Two families make a special outing to the zoo. The weather is beautiful and this will be the first zoo experience for their children. The Smiths and the Browns have three year olds and high expectations for a wonderful day.

As they approach the zoo, the Browns have a difficult time keeping their child in check. Janey Brown pulls away from her parents and runs through the front gate. They bump their way through the line and catch Janey just as she is leaning through the guard rail over the alligator pond.

Different reactions

Back at the gate, the Smiths are still trying to convince Billy to get down and walk like a big boy. Billy is overwhelmed by all the sights, sounds, and smells and is suddenly very clingy. As his parents try to show him the alligators, Billy cries and buries his face in his father's shoulder.

Janey is having a wonderful time. Billy hates the zoo. Both sets of parents are exhausted from trying to cope with their children. While it may be difficult to have children like this, both kids are very normal.

They simply have extremely different reactions to new situations.

Kids respond to "new" differently

A great deal can be discovered about the personality of a two or three year old by watching them in new situations. One way of looking at personality differences is to observe the child's response to the unfamiliar.

This response can fall anywhere along a continuum with extreme approach behaviors at one end and extreme avoidance behaviors at the other end. While most children are somewhere in between, the extremes do exist.

Extreme approach/withdrawal behaviors are difficult for parents.

Janey is an extreme approach-oriented child. This personality type is going to be an adventurous, exploring adult. As a child, they are quite difficult to parent because they know no fear and will get into anything. They can unlock all the child-safety restraints. They like to go, to see, to do.

Parents often "lose" these kids without knowing the child is gone. Janey probably got up from a nap at least once and left the house without her mother knowing it. A neighbor a few blocks away brought her back to her mom's embarrassment and relief. Keeping these kids safe is difficult and parents often feel incompetent and exhausted by the effort it takes.

The challenge of an exploring child

Janey will never meet a stranger. She has been told not to talk to strangers but she thinks a stranger is someone you haven't talked to yet. It is hard to protect her.

When she learned to ride her tricycle, Janey left the street even though she had been told to stay on the driveway. Her parents were watching as they worked outside but in a split second, she was gone. She didn't do it on purpose, she saw something interesting down the street and she needed to see what it was.

Janey will not hold her parent's hand. A safety harness that connects child to parent is almost necessary in malls, parks, and large crowds. The child can be required to wear the connecting strap until they learn to stay by the parent. Janey's natural tendency is to explore, but she can learn appropriate behaviors. If she doesn't like the wrist strap, the solution is to let them hold her hand or to stay by her parents. She'll learn.

Some people think such harnesses are like putting a leash on a dog. These people have never had to take care of a child like Janey. Protecting a child from harm is more important than what other people think.

Protecting the child is difficult

Janey's parents will need to provide close supervision, good locks on doors and windows, and firm rules about what is and what is not allowed. They will never be able to assume she is in the backyard playing. They will need to check frequently.

When Janey rode off on her tricycle, her parents put the tricycle up for two weeks. When she asked for it, they reminded her that her tricycle was put away because she didn't stay on the driveway and that she would get another chance.

We need adventurous people in the world. The explorers open new frontiers in every field. But when you are the parent of a little one, their safety is a constant concern. Janey's parents will not change her personality. They WILL have to watch her carefully and provide experiences that allow her to explore in safety.

World is difficult for some kids

While Janey's parents will have a hard time keeping her safe in spite of her sense of adventure and Janey will experience many consequences as a result of her behavior, Billy is the child who will come to see the world as a difficult place.

If Billy's parents had a personality to match his, they would understand that he needed time to get used to new things. They would understand his need to remain close to them until he is comfortable in new surroundings. They would allow him the time and the protection he needs without forcing him to participate too soon.

Billy has a personality trait that makes him cautious and reserved.

He came this way!

Slow to warm up kids

Researchers in temperament studies call this reaction "slow to warm up." This has nothing to do with being male or female. If the slow-to-warm-up child is a girl, our culture is more tolerant. When the slow-to-warm-up child is a boy, like Billy, he is often subjected to ridicule for being a sissy, coward, or baby.

This is unfortunate because there is nothing wrong with being slow-to-warm-up. If given a chance to get used to things gradually, to adapt at a slower rate than the average person, these children WILL accept new things and adapt to changes. If they are forced beyond their comfort zone, they will be stressed emotionally and become even more resistive.

Billy's father is afraid that Billy will never "act like a man." Frustrated in his efforts to force Billy to accept the zoo experience, Dad berates Billy for his natural response. Billy will have to cope with his fears and with his father's rejection. Billy's future does not look promising.

Slow to warm up kids need understanding and time

Adam is another three year old who is visiting the zoo for the first time. His parents have watched him for three years and they know he needs time to get used to new things. When Adam needs to be carried to feel safe, they pick him up and say, "This is all new and unusual. Let's sit on the bench over here and spend some time looking around before we see the animals."

On the bench, they talk to Adam about everything he is seeing and smelling and hearing and wait for him to make the next move. They don't care how many animals they see in one day. They know this is Adam's day.

Eventually Adam begins to feel comfortable and wants to see the elephants. They hold Adam's hands and walk to the elephant's area. Instead of walking up to the rail, they stop at a bench when the elephants come into view. After a few minutes, Adam wants to see closer. His dad picks him up and they walk slowly to the rail. Adam loves the elephants.

Although they didn't see much of the zoo that day, the next trip will be better. On the way home, Adam talked about how much fun he had and how he wanted to go back tomorrow. Billy's experience was not so pleasant.

Helping the slow to warm up child

Slow-to-warm-up children need understanding and time. They don't like surprises and need advance warning before things change. As they get older, they will learn coping skills and adapt to the pressure demands of society, but when they are small, they need our help, understanding, and patience.

Accepting children "as is"

While most children are somewhere in between, the extremes do exist. These extreme approach/withdrawal behaviors are difficult for parents. For children, it is their natural response. They aren't doing it on purpose.