Solving Our Kids' Problems for Them

When children come to us with a problem, our first response is to offer a solution.

After all, we've been there and we've learned a few lessons in our life time. Instead of being grateful, our children get angry and resent being how to solve their problems. Our solutions are never any good and our motives are suspect.

Adults don't react that differently. Everyone has problems and everyone resents unsolicited advice, even when it is in their "best interest." When someone tells another person how to solve their problems, it is the same as saying, "You are incompetent and therefore I will tell you what to do since you haven't a prayer of thinking for yourself."

The best advice for anyone:

Just LISTEN. Don't say, "You know what you should do,..."

For parents, this is especially hard, but worth the effort. A second grader came home from school complaining to her mother that a best friend would not play with her at recess. Of course, her mother wanted to say, "So find another friend," but she resisted the temptation to solve her daughter's problem for her.

Every night for three nights, the daughter cried as she told the latest installment in the playground rejection drama. Her mother listened and tried to empathize with her feelings without telling her what to do. "It is hard to be left out." "Sometimes friends hurt each other's feelings." "This is a real problem but I know you'll think of something."

On the fourth night, the daughter said, "You know Mom, I just decided to find someone else to play with. I asked a new girl who was all alone to play with me and she was happy I asked her. We had a great time."

On her own, as a result of her own suffering, my daughter had learned an important lesson about life. In later years, she never had to work through this problem again. She had discovered the solution and it was hers.

Her mother would have been happier had she discovered it a few nights sooner. It was excruciating to watch my child hurting and do "nothing." I also learned a great lesson:

If a child comes to a parent with a problem that is causing difficulty, the child is asking for a sounding board, not an answer.

If the parent asks questions and gives advice, the child will be resentful and the conversation will turn to tears and anger. The solution is so simple.

Don't say anything.

• Avoid questions and interrogations.
• Listen totally, try to identify the child's feelings.
• Express confidence in the child's ability to think for her/himself.
• If a child says, "What should I do?", respond with, "What choices do you see? Tell me about your options."

When the child works through the problem, and they will, they will thank you for your help! Their solution may be exactly what you would have suggested or it may even be better. One thing is for sure, whatever happens will be their responsibility because they made the choice.

It is critical that this begin early when problems are small.

With practice, children's ability to solve problems will increase just as the problems are growing more difficult.

When can a parent share advice?

There are times when children will listen to your advice, but NOT when they are having problems or when they are upset.

• Talk to your children when things are going well.
• Watch television with them and comment when something comes to mind.
• Read the newspaper together and discuss the articles.
• Listen to their music and discuss the lyrics.
• Read their magazines.

Opportunities will arise when you can tell them what you have learned and how you learned it.

But of course, talking isn't necessary.

Children watch what we do all the time. Our primary advice to our children is how we live our lives. The old adage is true, it's not what we say that counts, it's what we do.

• Have faith in your children's ability to solve problems.
• Be willing to let them suffer in the process.
• Intervene if a decision is physically dangerous, but let them make bad choices and live with the consequences, even if it means emotional pain.

In the end, the only lessons that count are the one's we learn for ourselves. Our children are no different.