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(March 06, 2008) -- The questions are coming. You know they are. It's just a matter of time. Meanwhile, how you as a parent will respond is worth considering.
At least, this is the opinion of one Calgary parenting consultant and I'm inclined to agree with her.
Julie Freedman Smith of Calgary's Parenting Power sas many
parents are uncomfortable when children ask questions relating
to homosexuality. |
I'm not just talking about sex. I'm talking about the question of homosexuality. And how you -- no matter what your beliefs are -- plan to address the topic when it surfaces.
"You need to practise what you're going to say. So your children's initial questions don't freak you out so much that they never ask you a question again," says consultant Julie Freedman Smith of Calgary's Parenting Power.
"It was much less common for our generation's parents to talk about homosexuality, which is why so many of us are uncomfortable. We don't have a script to work from," she says.
She encourages parents, who want to read up on children and sexuality, to pick up a copy of Justin Richardson's Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know about Sex but Were Afraid They'd Ask (Random House, 2003).
"These days, our kids are exposed to so much," she says. "Especially through the media. We need to be prepared. There's a whole chapter in this book as well on what to do if you think your child might be gay and how to go there, how to give them support."
Still, I'm wondering, why, in this day and age -- when so many of us have gay and lesbian friends and relatives who are open about their sexual preferences -- is talking about homosexuality uncomfortable?
The fact is -- according to Dr. Justin Richardson (who, aside from writing the said book, is an assistant professor of psychiatry at Columbia and Cornell universities) -- our generation is flying by the seat of our pants.
"We're facing a new challenge. When we were little kids, we probably weren't in kindergarten with playmates who had two moms or two dads," says Richardson during a telephone conversation from his office in New York City.
"We're hesitant because as adults we think that to talk about gay families is to talk about gay sex. Therefore parents are squeamish. I can promise you that while an adult might think of a gay couple and think of them having sex, a second grader will not think that abstractly. They're just thinking that they're two people in love who happen to be same sex -- who aren't that different from Mom and Dad," says Richardson.
"It's also common for people to wonder that if they talk about gay issues, they may influence their child's eventual sexual orientation," he says. "Because nobody is able to say, 'This is what makes someone gay.' So parents naturally want to be careful and conservative."
That said, Richardson firmly believes, as do other experts in the field, that being educated about homosexuality is not a factor when it comes to a child's sexual orientation.
What's more, if kids ask us questions and we don't answer them, we're teaching them to clam up. "Eventually, when your son might need a condom and doesn't know where to get one, he might not ask you. And he may end up having unprotected sex. Plus, you want your child to come to you if he or she sees something puzzling on the Internet."
Talking homosexuality with kids never easy Kim Gray , Calgary Herald Freedman Smith says parents should answer questions in an age-specific way. When her daughter was three, for example, she would say she "loved her best friend and was going to be in love with her" forever.
"Then we'd talk about the difference between friend love and romantic adult love," she says. Couples, in her children's minds, have always been men and women -- but they have also been women and women, and men and men.
"That's the way the world is. These are our friends," says Freedman Smith.
As your children ages, the conversation can become more abstract.
"Then we can start to talk about how people are different but how we are the same as well," she says.
"A person may feel physical love for someone of the same gender, but they still hurt and bleed the same as the rest of us."
The key is to let kids know that even though it may feel weird asking questions, you're listening. "You can admit you may not have all the answers," she says. "But it's important to say you're willing to help do the research."
Like most parents, I am constantly surprised at the learning curve involved when you raise a family.
Our goal as parents is to orient our children in a complex world so they can eventually fend for themselves -- all the while being sensitive to their place, and the place of others, in a diverse society.
If this is my goal, then my plan this weekend is to pick up a copy of Richardson's second book: the award-winning And Tango Makes Three (Simon and Schuster, 2005).
"It's a book for young children based on a true story about how two male penguins at the Central Park Zoo wanted a chick so much they tried to hatch a rock. The zoo keeper found them an egg and they raised a lovely female penguin named Tango," says Richardson.
The book, he says, is not a civics "gay-people-are-good" lesson. Rather, it's a book kids love that introduces the notion of "non-traditional" families to children in a matter-of-fact way.
A life lesson taught through the eyes of three penguins? Sounds good to me. I don't know about you, but I need all the help I can get.
By: Kim Gray
Source:The Calgary Herald
Last updated: 03/08
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