Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

My Obsessively Clean Diary

cont. August 2001

Dear Diary,

Well, it's the weekend after I wrote the last entry. I decided to wait a while before adding more.

So, how do I feel now? The fear and anxiety have diminished a bit, and I am dealing with the scare, but I wish that it hadn't happened! I know I am being more cautious now and thinking about what I'm doing more......should I touch that or shouldn't I and do I need to wash my hands afterwards if I do, instead of just getting on with things as I was. I feel I have lost some of my freedom in that respect. However! this is a new one for me. Before, if something like this had happened, I would wash and shower and then avoid the offending article like the plague afterwards. I can't do that here. A. because my friend wouldn't let me; B. because it won't help anyway, as everything I've ever touched, wore, bought, etc. here is now "contaminated" and I would never get rid of it all!; C. because I know that would be wrong and it's that sort of behaviour that has been doing the harm all these years, and I mustn't go backwards.

I am having to cope. I can't just wash everything and everywhere in sight. I can't shower from this experience and then avoid everything for the rest of my life! My friend has to go to work, even if, to me, it is "contaminated." So, I guess this is OCD therapy at it's best......or worst! (not sure which at the moment) lol.

I hope the anxiety continues to fade, as the experts say it should. I have come so far and made such huge gains. It would be heartbreaking to lose all that I have achieved these past months. I have got to get it into my head that whatever it was that scared me WON'T do me any harm at all, and I hope and pray that I am able to put this set-back behind me and carry on in my quest for freedom!

This episode has shown me that although I am giving it my best shot, although I am on strong OCD medication, although I have support and encouragement around me, this illness is VERY real and can strike at any moment and grip in a vice so tight that you fear you will never be able to shake it off - It is indeed a very powerful force.

As well as coping with this, I am trying to get ready for my holiday. Just one more week left and then I'm off! I'm not nervous, yet! but I will be. I shall write a bit to say bye bye before I go.

I'm off to bed now, so goodnite folks and take care.

Love ~Sani~

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