"It's VERY important to talk to people - I am incredibly open about it and let people know when I'm having a hard time. Once you acknowledge the problem, that's the first sign that you want to get better. It's damn hard, but I believe that something so addictive and mentally draining must be turned around so we can learn something positive from it, otherwise all this self-struggle is in vain."-Michaela

We try to convince ourselves and those around us that we are "fine," that it's just a "diet," that we can stop whenever we chose, and that we can "handle" things on our own. Let me be one to say, that *ahem*, that's a bunch of bull, and I think most of us deep inside know it. We just don't want to admit it. I don't know about your definition of "fine," but mine does not include thinking about food and calories 24/7, throwing up food, starvation, obsessively worrying about things, having to punish ourselves for eating, exercising continually, and finding calorie counting books entertaining. All of those things above are characteristic of an eating disorder, and do not make anyone just "fine."

Before I go on, make sure you know that an eating disorder is only a mere cover up of our problems and ends up having a nasty backlash of medical and psychological effects. If you are saying to yourself right now that "oh no, I don't have problem because I have control," do a little test on yourself. Go and eat three full meals for the day and not feel guilty, throw up, take pills, exercise, or starve for a week to make up for it. Just talking about trying to do that probably makes you uneasy, but if you were in a state of control, eating three meals would be no problem at all. The point I'm trying to make is that when you are unable to eat healthy and a normal consumption of food, you are under the control of the EATING DISORDER - not yourself.

Changing is the scariest thing for humans to do at anytime, but like the past species during evolution, if you don't change or "evolutionalize" your life, you're going to die out. Things may seem cozy enough with your eating disorder, your protection, but all it is is a short high that will fade away very quickly. An eating disorder over takes your life and holds you hostage from feeling pleasure and true happiness. However, once you yourself recognize this and BELIEVE that the eating disorder is a problem and is in control, you are ready to seek out and ask for help.

"A 30 year old woman, mother of 2 beautiful girls. Had bulimia for 14 years. It got really bad 8 years ago when she had her last child. The kidneys were affected. She seem to get better for awhile then sink again. This year was really bad, she was hospitalized 2 times for kidney problems and recovered. Then after going on kidney machines 3 times a week for the last month and a half she she blacked out and died in a car accident. Her little body just could not do it anymore. She was my sister, my baby sister, I really just want people to think and try to get help before it's too late. It is a disease that many can not fight. They want to but it just keeps eating away at them. I hate to think of anyone suffering that way. Thinking they are fat an no one loves them, when actually there is nothing wrong with them. -Jodi

.friends.

Try to first talk to a good friend that you know you can trust about your problems. You don't have to necessarily talk about your eating disorder right away, but instead the things that trigger the eating problems. For example, if you are depressed or have family problems and that makes you want to starve or purge more, talk to your friend about what is going on in your family. See what they think and try to get an opinion on what you should do to react to the problems. Then you can gradually work into the subject of your eating problems.

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains-Tori Amos

.family.

The next thing you should do to seek help is talk to your family. I understand that a lot of families are dysfunctional and are the trigger themselves to an eating disorder, and in that case I do suggest that a person go to an eating disorders therapist and THEN the family; but if your family is stable, you need to go to them. I know the fear that you will be disappointing your parents or make them angry, but believe me, they will be the most disappointed/angry when another person calls them to let them know that their daughter/son passed out at work or school and was taken to the hospital to be tube fed. Don't fall into the game of thinking you can hide your eating disorder from your family. There is a point that you reach where you are just a little bit too thin, just a little bit too pale, take just a few too many trips to the bathroom, and everyone gets the hint and figures out what's going on.

If you are uneasy about the idea of having to talk about your problem face-to-face with a family member, consider doing it through the phone or a letter. For a lot of people, writing things down gives them the chance to review and get in EVERYTHING that they have to say, so they don't forget anything. When talking about this through the phone or in a letter, mention that you ARE willing to get better and that you do indeed want help. Supplying books and website addresses and other various info on eating disorders is also helpful when letting loved ones know about your problem. That way if they have the wrong idea on what eating disorders are about, they have the research right there in front of them and they can find out how to best help you. Then you all can go and find eating disorders treatment centers and/or therapists that are in your area.

on.your.own

OK, so what if your friends just wouldn't "get it" and your family is the type that would cause more problems if you told them about your eating disorder - what do you do then? In that case, you need to take things directly into your hands and try to help yourself. This doesn't mean going to your room, locking the door, and trying to force feed food your body. It does means that you need to go and research your problem and find eating disorders treatment centers and call eating disorders therapists (for some listings, see the treatment page). This is YOUR life, and no one else's, so you need to do what you have to do to take the best care and get the best treatment possible for yourself, and if that means doing it without your family, then that's what it means. You CAN do this.

Don't be discouraged if it takes many therapists and many years of treatment, because that IS what it's going to take to beat these demons. Going through an eating disorder literally is like being brain-washed, and it's going to take a lot of help to undo the damage. If you are willing to work hard for your life, you can do this. However, fighting an eating disorder alone without therapy or family or friends is a losing battle, and you owe it to yourself and your future to have the support of those around you. Please let yourself have that.