Claire

Age: 15

Anorexia

I don't exactly have one eating disorder. I have bulimic and anorexic tendencies. I don't know how common that is, but it's what my current situation is. I've had it since I was about 12. So, it's been 3 years now.

I was overweight for awhile when I was younger. Then I leveled off and when I entered junior high, I started putting on weight again. In junior high, it's a fate worse than death to be fat. So I began to diet. I went from a size 14 to a size 8, and then began to take diet pills. I then went from an 8 to a 1.

Only 2 people know about my eating disorder. My mom and one of my best friends. They are very understanding, but I don't think they fully understand what I'm going through. Sometimes they try to make me eat, which always results in a round of yelling and fuming.

Actually, what made me decide to get outside help was the story a Concerned Counseling friend of mine told me about her eating disorder experience. It was an eye opening experience and scared me.

I have tried therapy, but I have had bad experiences with most therapists and nutritionists. Concerned Counseling has been the one place where I have a good experience with a therapist. I am getting ready to seek help outside of Concerned Counseling, and it's kind of scary to me, but I'm willing to try.

I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered from my eating disorder. An eating disorder is something that's with you for life. I think I'm going to have to stay committed to it in a way. I'll always have to fight it, but it's a fight I'm willing to do.

Anne

Age: 20

Anorexia

She's been through a lot, but Anne is able to talk about having hope for the future on realaudio

I am a recovering anorexic and bulimic who, for at least eight years, has lived with the monster of ED (eating disorder). Those years were not always complete hell, but often, they were. Anyone who spent extended periods of time with me would attest to this without question or hesitation.

I was in denial most of the time, but part of me always knew something was wrong -- or at least different. After suffering quietly for about four years, I eventually got into therapy with a psychologist and a psychiatrist. In addition, I have been hospitalized and have spent time in a residential treatment center.

It was really helpful for me to be in the accepting and caring environment of the center. It provided me with a kind of rebirth to be with others in similar situations and the opportunity to share a mutual understanding of what we were fighting daily; suddenly my eating disorder didn't seem so powerful, knowing that we were all in on the battle and preoccupation together.

On the other hand, I hated the hospital because I felt even more alone, helpless, and hopeless there. Even though it probably saved my life at the time, it nevertheless was not beneficial for long-term help with the disease.

I continue to be in therapy and on medication. While I am working against this deadly enemy, I've experienced relapses. However, I now know that there is hope out there and that instead of ED killing me, I can kill ED.

With this in mind, I have learned to take not only one day, but one thing, at a time and to make the most of whatever I am presented with. Easier said than done, I often remind myself of what Emily Dickinson wrote:

"Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without words,
And never stops at all."

Sue

Age: 33

Binger

I'm 33 years old now, and I've had my eating disorder for around half my life, since I was 17 or 18, and in college. I was a slender girl in high school and able to eat all I wanted. All of a sudden, I gained 15 pounds my freshman year and 10 my sophomore year.

Funny thing is, compared to now, I wasn't really that fat then. In fact, I'm still not obese. I'm about 20 pounds overweight.

Back then, I tried to diet and started to binge. I would go to three different vending machines to get junk food, then sneak it into the library. For awhile, I alternated between dieting a few days and all out binges. Then, I descended into bulimia. I discovered laxatives could make me feel "clean" again after my binges.

Until I was 22, I binged once, sometimes twice a day, using 10-15 correctols at a time. I remember visiting a professor and having dizzy spells; I almost fainted. After a few more near-misses, I realized the laxatives were taking their toll. Through student health (I was in a graduate program), I went through some eating disorder group therapy. It enabled me to quit using laxatives, but the binges were still there. I relapsed into laxative use for a brief stressful time, but overall since then I have managed to stay off them with only a few one-time use lapses a year.

When I began therapy, I was diagnosed with bipolar affective disorder, or manic depression. I started to see the first of quite a few psychiatrists and to take medication. For a while, the binges lifted to maybe one a week, and then they'd come back. I find it interesting that my moods don't really coincide with my binges. I could feel happy and still binge, and be depressed and not. I have had periodic remissions of the binge eating for a few months at different times over the years, and I don't know why.

The most recent thing I tried was a Breaking Free workshop by Geneen Roth. It worked for awhile. What I have come to realize is that sometimes the binge eating is useful and it helps me get through the day. Sometimes I allow it to exist. Other times I want to fight. I find that the chat room at this site has helped me resist binges. Someday I will beat this thing, I just need to keep trying different ways.