Remembering Kate

cont.

She came out of the hospital wanting to be a mom again. But in the intervening years, we had all grown up, just two of my brothers were left in high school, we were not used to having a mother around and were very independent. My heart sinks when I think of the inadvertent mistreatment and lack of understanding she got from me and my siblings that made her transition back into the family much more difficult. Imagine trying to re-enter a household where you had left a group of children and came back to almost grown adolescents. She struggled and regained her space in the family with little help from us. Adolescence is not a good time to expect much understanding or empathy. To our credit, as we moved into adulthood, we became much more supportive and an on-going source of pleasure for her. When she died at the age of 82, she left behind her role as matriarch of a huge family including her 5 children, 24 grandchildren and 16 great grand children who adored her.

Recovering from a devastating illness, she was faced with the stigma that is the constant companion of anyone who has been diagnosed with a psychiatric illness or spent time in a mental institution. She took more educational courses as she went through the heart breaking process of being refused job after job.

Finally, someone took a chance. They needed a school lunch manager at a school in New Haven, CT-a junior high and high school in a section of the city that had the highest rates of crime and delinquency. Under her guidance, the staff prepared healthy meals that appealed to the kids, causing a rapid rise in the number of students in the hot lunch program. She took the time to know each student by name, to understand their circumstances and to prepare foods that were ethnically and nutriously appropriate to their needs. Some of the mothering time she lost with us, she bestowed on those very needy kids.

And then she began to systematically connect with people in the community. She met people through her work as a dietician, in her church, in the local grange and through a variety of volunteer activities. Sometimes the stigma created by her long hospitalization caused her to be ostracized and rejected. People made rude comments that hurt her to the core. I remember hearing her crying herself to sleep at night. But she pressed on.

There were several key ways she built her support network. She kept in touch with people. Not overwhelmingly, by constantly bothering them, but by a quick phone call to check in, dropping by with a loaf of freshly baked bread, running an errand for someone or sending a card. Before long people began to forget that this vivacious woman had ever been in a mental hospital. She was always there for others-and then when she needed support it was always there for her. If she liked someone (she almost always did), she made sure they stayed in her life by keeping in touch and making plans to spend time together. Because of this her life was very rich. I don't know if she developed this support systems intentionally, but she certainly did it right. Her on-going wellness was dependent on her strong connection with others, so that became the focus of her life. It not only kept her well, but as it evolved her life became richer and richer.

She knew how to keep her support system strong. And that was by being MUTUALLY supportive. In fact she gave so much more to others than she ever needed , wanted or expected in return. In early November she began sending out Christmas cards to all the people on her extensive list. Sometimes I got several because she found a new one that she thought I would enjoy. If she was picking blueberries, she picked extras and delivered them to people she cared about. She was always volunteering to take friends shopping or out for lunch. When she worked at the church rummage sale (which she did until the day before her stroke), she was always on the look-out for something one of her friends or family members could use. She phoned and wrote regularly to keep in touch with others. She was always available to listen when anyone needed to be heard.

By giving support to others when she could, she got it for herself when she desperately needed it. The things she did for others became second nature to her. She used her support to keep mania and depression at bay following her discharge from the hospital. When she was having a hard time she called up one of the many people she knew she could trust and shared with them her innermost feelings. They would often spend time with her, supporting her until she was ready to resume her normal activities. Her own brand of mutual support enriched her life.

Often when we think of someone who had manic depression as severe as my mother's, and who was hospitalized for a long time, that when they got out of the hospital, their life would be limited and isolated. Not true in her case. Because she was so supportive of so many people, others loved and supported her.

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