Depression Experiences Bulletin Board, Depression Bulletin Board

Living with
Depression

Living with Depression
Depression Experiences Bulletin Board

Suffering from depression is no picnic. For some of us, it's been pretty tough. Others, though, have found significant relief through the use of medications and therapy.

Here they share their depression stories for the benefit of everyone. You can find the stories from 2001 here.

How about sharing your experiences with depression?

Name - Nickname - Email Address

Depression Experiences Board - HealthyPlace.com Depression Issues Community

Ces - ilyang_uk@yahoo.co.uk

Comments - I suffer from clinical depression all my life and with my strong faith in my God,my loving family and taking anti-depressants I always get through it after suffering for a couple of months. I believe that there is a reason for everything, our good Lord shares his cross with me and I surrender myself completely to Him and always He never abandons me. I thank God so much that He is always there to help me. It might be difficult to comprehend but my depression has brought me closer to God and I praise Him every moment now be it good or bad, He is under control. He loves me so much and He will never abandon me. For all those sufferers, believe in your God that He will look after you and it is such a great consolation esp in the midst of severe suffering. Surrender entirely to Him and He will do miracles to your life.

susan - jessicak@nothnbut.net

Comments - hello iam susan iam 28 years old ive been dealing with aniexty and panic disorder for four years its no fun ive lost all friends dont want to go no where ive tried different med.it dont seem to help completly in to take thing to further help i just cant get anything done everyone thinks iam nuts iam beginning to think it myself there is so much more i need to say t

sam - s.matin1@lse.ac.uk

Comments - i am a 23 year old British Asian who has suffered from depression since at least the age of eight. i am from a professional educated family and so refused to believe that i was worthy of sympathy or treatment for my seemingly 'indulgent' illness. However my inability to attend classess at college compelled me to see my GP last year. I was couldn't even talk i was sobbing for so long. I was immediatly put in antidepressants [citalopram-Lundbeck] and told to come back in a fortnight for therapy. at first it worked mildly, i stopped crying simultaneously for no reason. But then it trailed off..my GP increased my dose till i was tdrugged up like a hippy, i couldn't keep my eyes open for more than half an hour-i'd fall asleep in my chair at every lecture! But it did level my depression, my dose was reduced within two months. In Britain we are not encouraged to stay in meds for as long as they are in the USA, so we made a long term strategy for my dosage, and i am currently one month away from being off the meds! but none of it would have worked without my therapy. I was at forst very cynical about it, i had seen too many woddy allen films of self-indulgent nuerotics displying their vanity by talking about their lives for hours to a talk show host in a white coat. But the form of therapy i tried was called cognitive-behavioural therapy. It was developed by an American in the 1970's i think and it focusses more on behavioural patterns and thinking processes then though content. We talk about an negative event or thought thati have had, and conceptualise it. It is really very simple, i told her what happened, ["someone told me to hurry up at work, it made me feel like quitting my job"] and then she asks me, what were your immediate thoughts? i say "like i'm worthless" then she putsit on a white board and we talk about how i can alter my thought processes so that the next time someone says something similar, i can turn my negativce thoughts into something more healthy. it really worked for me, i can now almost always talk myself out of a spiral of negative thoughts, i have become more self relaiant in my depression managment, which is my greatest aspiration, to control IT rather than it controlling ME! thanks for reading htis, it was interesting to write it...

jessica - cagerat1@hotmail.com

Comments - When people told me I was going to turn out like my parents I would laugh but it happend

Kris -

Comments - I have been struggling with this hellish nightmare of a mind for twelve years. Life feels like a heavy burden to me. I feel like I am in a prison. Desperation is all the feeling I can summon. I would do anything to escape from this sinking, heavy feeling of deep resignation and hopelessness. If hell is a state of mind, then I live in hell. And it is just as bad as every church tries to tell you.

sharon - ninipooh@msn.com

Comments - I'm a 48 year old mother of two children all of my life I can recall sufering from depression it has cost me my marriage due to making wrong decsion;s for the past year my thoughts have woresen I never had a happy child hood i was sexualy,verable abused from age 3to 13 years old I was allways told that my mother never wanted me she tried to abort me 1953 and growing up as a teenager she wished that i never survied child birth I tried taking my life at age 13 and 32 i see a wonderfull dr. but is doesn't take away the pain i feel i feel so unworth i cry out to god and ask why do i feel my brain is deseased i hurt so much inside i;m only on this earth due to the fact i have so much love for my children and they are concerned about their mom i carry alot of guilt,same and at times i wished to god i could be rebirth and make all these terriable feels go away i don;t know what has happened to me the past year i don;t seem to responding well with my med's i wished i had someone to carry me or take controll of my thought process i just seen to cannot make good decsion;s i very tired of fighting i feel like noone cares i cry and plead with god to plese help me i am so ashme to feel like this i am a very loving warm hearted person i worry so much what other people think of me i feel like maybe i should be punished i try to cry out for help but i'm a failure if you read my e-mail please help me this is the hardest trail i have ever gone thru the pain of being depressed make;s me sick to my stomach thank you for listing to me i;m hurting so much and want to be well and have a brite future please pray for me that all mighty god will help me to learn to take one day at a time Thank You and GOD BLESS You

elizabeth osborne - liz_411@hotmail.com

Comments - hello. I'm 17 years old and just about to enter college. I have had to deal with severe depression since I was about 7 years old, although unfortunatly for me it was not diagnosed till a year ago. Because of depression and the stress that it caused I have been constantly sick with "phantom" stomach aches and migraines. I've been suicidal since the age of 11. I think the hardest part of my depression is not being aware that I had a medical disease. I went through the majority of my life not knowing why I couldn't "snap myself out of it" or "get over it". It's still hard for my friends and family to understand that even though I may be upset, or stressed out, there's really no big reason why. Even though now that it has been diagnosed, my depression has gotten a lot better, I still have to deal with lasting scars (both mental and physical) it's very scary for me because I don't know if what I'm thinking, what's in my head is reality or illusion. I hope that others benefit from my story. thank you. Something I forgot to mention which probably made my depression even worse, I had no tramatic childhood, my father never beat me, I've been the "typical" middle-upper class honors student. The reason that this makes it harder is that I have no excuse, no reason to feel the way I do, this is how other's have always seen me, I was never depressed or sick, I was just "spoiled" "self-absorbed" and "ungratful" I constantly heard how others had it so much worse off. I never felt like I I was worth anything, when hear things like that your whole life it's impossible not to beleive themBeth

Rutha - crazyat26@yahoo.com

Comments - I am 28 years old and I am on my second marriage. My husband and I have been married for six years. I dropped into depression in 1998, 5 months after my son was born. It was not the birth of my son that caused it. My husband started acting strange and was hiding email address and cell numbers. I knew something was going on but couldn't place it. I didn't have proof but I knew something was happening. Around October of that year I had found some e-mails from a woman describing some moments they had together and how much in love they were. I Paniced (the most undescribeable panic I have ever had in my life), confronted him, and left. He asked for me to come back, and I did. Since then I have dropped into depression more and more over that. The pain of the affair hurt me so much that It caused this. I got back together with him. We have worked out a few things. I told him I would trust him, and I will. But I still wonder why even though he told me why he did it. I feel as though it was me. I feel unatractive, I feel worthless, the list goes on and on. There are times when I wish there was some magic phrase that would snap me out of this. I can get out of bed, I can't do much around the house, dealing with myself on a daily basis and trying to get up enough energy to help out my children. My husband knows that I am depressed, but does not know the reasoning. He tells me to snap out of it, that I am lazy, and I have to Motivate myself. I can't movivate myself or do any of those things. I am still depressed and fear I always will be. As the days go on I wonder if everyone would have been better off with the woman he met rather than me.

Jandy - jandy286@aol.com

Comments - MY MOTHER IS CLINICALLY DEPRESSED. IT IS SO VERY HARD SOMETIMES TO DEAL WITH THIS ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE IS HAVING A "BAD DAY". MAYBE THERE IS SOME ONE WHO CAN HELP ME LEARN TO HELP HER.

Stephanie - manana8@hotmail.com

Comments - hi! i'm 16 years old and ihave been suffering with depression for the past 5 years. i was on paxil, and then i stopped. but then i had to take the paxil again about 5 months ago, and it didn't work. so my doctor prescribed zoloft, but it didn't work either. he tripled my dose and gave me a pill that will help me sleep, but it is also an anti depressant. i have eating disorders and a phobia of school. like another person who wrote in here, i envy my friends who only worry about what they will do the next weekend. i don't even think about that. i really don't care. i don't tell my friends and family how i feel because it makes them cry and that is the last thing i want. it is good to know that there are so many other people going through or that have gone through this. i don't feel as alone. :) i hope to one day get over this, and if not, i hope that i'll learn to deal with it. thank you for reading this :)

Jlohn Kudia - JohnKudia87@MSN.com

Comments - Last June After returning from a military deployment. Boredom and monotony onthe job were driving me. One evening while coming out of the shower I suddenly sensed a emptiness and fear for no aparent reason, This continued for a couple weeks with feelings of estrangement and alienation (sort of like myh heaqrt was.t present to be with and enjoy my family. I kept thinking it would go away as episodes similar to this occured inmy past. On June 25th while Jogging near my house and after doing calisthetics. I suddenly got dizzy and my vision went double. I went for a cat scan, MRI and had blood work done with no definte indications.through this all the depression got worse, to the point where I was evcen afraid to go outside and preety much spent time after strggling to work in bed. I finaly told the Doctor indire staights who prescribed Paxil, For the first 2 weeks there wasno change. then around early Oct I started noticing a differnce I was able to enjoy reading the newspapper aGain, Especially the Chicago Bears Taking the Central Division. Soon after I began running again outside and doing things with my family. Today I am almost dompletly recovered fromthe Double visin which was finally diagnosed as an ischemic stroke and the depression. I'mable to do military deployments again. How long to be on t he medicationits been 7 months now the Doctor recommented at least 9. My advice Pray, seek serotonin reuptake inhibitors and be patient, these drugs take 2 to 4 weeks to really begin to kick in but they will! If youy feel bad you probably need medication. If you act bad you probably need counseling. I had couynseled with a priest friend for weeks which made me a better person but didn't makle me feel a stich better, God Bless.

Karen - scoobysnacks81@hotmail.com

Comments - Im 15 and I have been suffering from depression for 3 years. It all started when my three closest friends all betrayed me at once. I had never felt so alone and I blamed myself. I spent the next year barely talking to anyone, critising my self for every little thing, I thought it was my fault. I developed social anxiety and starting having panic attacks every day everytime I was in public. I knew something was wrong but I was afraid my mom would think I was crazy if I told her that I was afraid of people. Trying to deal with anxiety and fear of rejection only made my depression worse. Every weekend I would lay in bed alone thinking about killing myself. I would write pages and pages in my journal about how I didnt deserve to be alive and the world would be a better place without me. I didnt think anyone cared about me at all. This year I started taking Paxil for my depression and anxiety. It has helped me a lot. I try to catch myself when I start to think depressing thoughts before things get out of hand. The thing that has helped me the most is my best friend Shawn, he is always there for me and when not let me forget that someone does care about me. I still have low days, where I craw in bed and consider slitting my wrists. When those days come I call one of my friends that also suffers from depression and she just comes over and lets me cry on her shoulder. Being friends with someone else that suffers from depression has helped me a lot because I always feel that no one else in the world knows how I feel but she knows exactly how I feel cause she feels the same. My dad is ashamed of me, he thinks that Im pycho and doesnt want much to do with me. I had so much problems dealing with how he felt about me, Im always trying to please everyone else. I was reading past entrys in my journal and I realized that right now I dont need to worry about what he thinks about me, right now I need deal with depression not for anyone else but for me.

angelo vitalone sr - vitalonesr@aol.com

Comments - everyday is the same i am a retired cop vietnam veteran with this disability.it plagues mu everyday of living some days i dont want to get up or wish i died during my sleep.

J - jmission@cheerful.com

Comments - I have been depressed for about 3 years. I started SM 2 years ago, and I haven't made it out yet. I'm constantly thinking about suicide, but I don't know the difference between thoughts and plans anymore. I'm numb, confussed, hurt and I feel like I shouldn't say anything, because I've already tried and every time I failed. It's like crucifying yourself. I reach out to get help, and somebody pushes another nail through.... I am in therapy... but needless to say, I don't know if it will help. I'm afraid to talk about the thoughts of suicide, afraid that they will lock me away and lable me crazy. So, I guess for now... I'll just have to deal with it.

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Mike - mkacy@yahoo.com

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april - twolilpinkstars@yahoo.com

Comments - i dont know where to start or what exactly to say.. ill just go with what has recently sent me into feeling this way again, and probably the worst of it at this point in my life.. okay, well i have always had a dream of being a teacher for young children, i havent been able to start school yet due to lack of money, and past screw ups, so in the meantime ive been trying to get assistant teaching jobs around town.. now heres my real problem.. my mother.. she thinks that my dreams, all of them arent good enough, that im stupid for wanting to teach.. whatever, normal parent dissaproval i guess, but anyway the other day i finally got the call i have been waiting for for so long, and mom answered it. to make a long story short, she told the woman off for calling me, saying things i dont want to repeat, and thus, ruining any chance of me getting a job teaching in this town.. so me and my mom had an argument about why i dont have a job.. um, hello, thats what the lady was calling me about! now im not one to say bad things about my mom, because she is my mother and i am living under her roof for the time being, but i lost it that day, and ever sence, i have been sososo much worse in my head than normal, i sleep all day as much as i can, i dont eat much, but im gaining weight, which is further upsetting me, i cant stop crying, and the scariest thing is i keep thinking of ways i can kill people, not that i actually will, but this scares the living hell out of me i swear..i know this may just seem like little girl whiney o poor pitifull me stuff, but theres so much more, my own mother crushed my dream right before my eyes.. i know i so badly need to go to the doctor, i cant though.. no money, and i already owe the doctor $90 still, i dont know what to do about anything anymore...

Donna - KElaineVegaStar@Yahoo.com

Comments - I haven't gotte treatment yet, but for years, I have been like this, I thought it ws normal to feel this way, but it got worse...I don't tell my parents about it, they ask me whats wrong, but I just leave them....they know something is wrong, but i hate to hurt people...I dont want them to look down on me andthink "oh thats the girlwho wants to kill herself, the girl who thinks life is so horrible" I just wanna be normal...i try to smile and sometimes it works, for a day,but its getting harder and harder to hide...my friends notice it...and say i need help...thats why i just write what i think to anyone who listens, (also on another note, i have alot of medical things wrong with me...) I just cant help it...I think horrible thoughts..i see death, blood...and i try not to...but it wont stop....everyday...and i hate myself for it...and that makes it worse...this is me...this i how i live...ijust wonder if everyone who has depression lives like this?

lily - pixi_flower@hotmail.com

Comments - i've lived in darkness for as long as my adultish brain can recollect - i'm only 17 so it must be about 5 years. I presumed it was childish stuff, all part and part of growing up, until I turned 16 and i realised that i had no will to live. i've been in thearapy for a couple of months, but everything is still so hard, so painful, so frightening. It has ruined my life and those of everyone around me, (along with the anorexia and bulimia). I will never understand why people have to go through this.

Brett - _Brett51@excite.com

Comments - I am 45 years old male, married (for the time being) 23 years. I have been in the same field for 25 years. Fairly successful, nice house, car, bills paid, some savings pretty much a comfortable life. Why am I miserable!!! I think about sucide alot. I have made my wife miserable, just about ran everybody off that even remotley cared about about me. I mope, never smile don't talk much, dread work and dread the weekend even more. Asleep by 7 and then up at 3. This is not how life is supposed to be. I should be happy, I have achieved the american dream. Why am I this way. I tried the counseling route, they put me on effexor. Now I am impotent and more depressed than ever, so I stopped that about a month ago. I am at my wit's end. I dont know what to do. Sorry if I rambled here.

Brandy - li

Comments - Hey, I am 14 years old and I have a mild case of Bipolor disorder. I have been dealing with it for 3 years now i have only known about it for 1 though. I am now on depacote and trazadone. these pills are suppose to keep it in chek but it works only at times it chooses too. I am looking for someone with Bipolor who maybe can tell me about group theropy and that way I'll know that i am not alone! I would like some one to talk to because my parents and family can only imagine what i am going through and i would love someone who has been through it and is still going through it. please feel free to E-mail me if you would like to help me out. thank you.

Brandy - lil_Idean@Hotmail.com

Comments - ooops it is me again from above i forgot to give my whole E-Mail. kinda hard to e-mail me if you dont got my e-mail huh? lil_Idean@Hotmail.com there

Anonymous -

Comments - I'm 50, female. "Wasted life" is my story when i feel bad. When I'm feeling good, I can't believe how bad I used to feel. Treatment off and on since college--over 3 decades! Effexor works best. Still, sometimes fall into the well again. Valleys precipitated by illness, excess stress, relationship troubles. RECOMMENDATION FROM EXPERIENCE: Try writing it down, getting busy with something, helping someone else. Don't make life decisions. Stay on your medicine--it will pass.

Linda - polo3@xtra.co.nz

Comments - I am starting to wonder whether it really is me - he keeps telling me it is. Last week he rigged up an electrical device to kill himself but now says I want to make more of it than there is. Everything I say is misconstrued. He sleeps 20 hours out of 24 sometimes. His doctor put him on to the Crisis Team but they won't tell me anything of course because of the Privacy Act. I am self-employed and missing lots of work time because of this. He is diabetic, takes Arapax and suffers sleep apnoea. Anyone else started to wonder whether it's them?

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ashu - aashoo_m@hotmail.com

Comments - hi friends, i have always known that i was week from inside but never thought that i will go to this limit of breaking.pls friends.......i could never find anyt relations in my ligfe ,and if i found few, they used me. i tried every relation .....parents , friends , brother , sister, and what not................. but even after trying so hard for 22 long years ..i am still alone. y all this has to happen to me.......whats my fault.........o god please. i have had enough please have mercy on me o god plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss i am so depresed.please i donrt want to break. i want to face the world. i want to live...........please let me live.

Melissa Sumner - jasumner@person.net

Comments - I am 29, female, a wife and mother. When I look back now, I guess my depression started around the age of 13. I have had worsening symptoms as I have gotten older. I have been on Paxil for about 3.5 years. I started off at 10mg. and am now up to 40mg a day. Sometimes I feel that I need another medication or that I need to get a stronger dosage. Lately, my husband and I have noticed that I seem to be getting worse. I have an appointment to see my doctor in a few weeks. It has been very hard to deal with this disease. It affects my life and everything that I am. I know that I cannot help it, but not everyone else does. I don't think that I am in denial, but I do know that I have a problem and I have to learn how to deal with it. It does not bother my husband that I have this, but it bothers me. Sometimes I feel that I am not a great mother to my 2 wonderful children. I know that it is the disease talking, but sometimes it gets hard to fight this thing. I wish I could really talk to someone who understands that my problem is not just in my head. I know that my doctor and my husband know that, but I wish I could be open to my friends.

norma sharon - gaynorrobinson@hotmail.com

Comments - Hi, I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 18. I am now 39. I have eating disorders, anxiety, mood swings, etc..; all of the above uite severe. I have always been atleat 10 lbs over weight.At my fattest I weighed 155 lbs(I am 5'7"). I successfully lost 30(lbs+or-) by eating right and excercising very regularly. Most Everyone thought I looked great. With the exception of my close relatives who thought I was annorexic and/or bulemic. I wasn't. I had lost this weight for the first time in my life with-out a diet pill or any other unhealthy habit. I lost it slowly and kept it off for about five years. I was forced to put on some weight. Now I feel huge. I probably wegh about 135. But there is no way I would get on a scale. In fact I have hid them, because if I go into the room where there is one, I feel sick to my stomach. This has brought on another bout of extreme depression. I want to numb myself. I feel a need to self medicate in order to try to function. I have a wonderful jusband(his only flaw is his controlling nature), and a very special little girl who is now 18. They don't deserve this. I want to be well for everyone. I want to feel happiness. I could go on and on...As I'm sure anyone can. I've never been to a chat room. In fact I am a new computer user(as you can probably tell). I just want to know where I can get some help. I will never again subject myself to going to a psychologist. I can't handle the stigma that is felt form the simple people who get wind of it. It is also hard to wasllow the condescending natures of the psychologists that I have had experience with. I have to go to wok now. Thanks for listening. norma sharon

norma sharon - agynorrobinson@hotmail.com

Comments - Hi again, I forgot to mention; I have been on prozac and wellbutrin for a few years. Prior to that, on and off on a variety. I thought this was the magic combination. Ifelt so normal! It doesn't work any more. Even with increased dosage. I love my Father in Heaven. My faith is very strong. But not strong enought to over power over this evil demon.Bye for Nw, Norma Sharon

mtaylor39 - mtaylor39@email.com

Comments - i have parkinsons and related chronic depression which does not respond to medications. Two neurologists (one a motion disorder specialist at SW Medical Center in Dallas) have suggested the depression could be benefitted by shock therapy. They both feel the treatments might also help the motion disorder although they are vague on this benefit. They seem unconcerned about the side effects shock therapy would have on my life.. seem to think the benefits would outweigh the disadvantages. I am literally scared to death of the treatments but have been told they are vastly different from the ones my aunts had many years ago and would not result in major personality changes. ?? should I believe them?

christine - chilli22@aol.com

Comments - I am 22, and i have a 23 month old daughter.I have been living with depression since i was 14. I have never had proper treatment and over the years it has gotten worse. Every day gets harder and harder. I feel so lost. I have deen married for 2 years and I have to deal with a lot through out my life. A few months ago i resigned from my job to stay at home with my daughter. I think that was the worset decision i could have ever made. All I do is cry ,I sleep all day ,I feel worthless, and it seems that i do all day is worry about my problems. This has caused alot of problems in my marriage. I am now considering a divorce. I have no idea where to begin my healing is there anyone out there that can help. I feel as though my life is falling apart.

Amber - SUgErBeAr@aol.com

Comments - Hi, I have been depressed for a while now. I have learned how to live with the fact that I don't have a dad, well I do but he don't ever call and I don't know where he lives. Somethings in the past have came back to haunt me. And now I'm having to face them. I have been trying to get myself on the right track. I take my anger and depression out by walking 2 miles or writing in my journal. I feel like my journal has helped me through a lot so far. Depression is not an easy thing to deal with. You feel like you want to give up and just let go of yourself. But then someone special in your life tells you that you need to get yourself together and that makes you think. I tried to set goals but they never work out, or I don't succeed. That makes me more depressed. I tried talking to people but they seem like they aren't listening. Today I got upset just out of the blue, so I decided to walk 2 1/2 miles. I got the anger out. So maybe I can help you and you can try getting your depression out by walking or finding something that you are interested in. Thanks for reading this and God bless all, Email me sometime.... I would love that!

Nad - nskorbinski@hotmail.com

Comments - Hello everybody, my name is Nad. Just like you, I too fight with this monster EVIL. I am unipolar and on 30mg prozac. I have been Dx and Tx for 6 mos now. So far so good. But I think all of my 29 years of life I have been with this illness. My question to you, out there is, Can I pass this illness onto my children? I so want to start a family, but my spouse is afraid that if we do he'd have to deal with more than just one person with depression. I don't blame him for thinking like that. Afterall, aren't there days when we cannot stand ourselves? I can't imagine how it must be for our spouses. Please, help me. I am actually doing well on my 30mg right now..knock on wood...I also have come to know my S/S of when I relapse. I hope to hear from you out there. Don't give up hope. When things seem so impossible, That is depression talking and NOT YOU!!! YOU CAN BEAT THIS EVIL ILLNESS! WE WILL BEAT THIS ILLNESS!!!

Zalle - zalle_cool@hotmail.com

Comments - Hi there! I have sufferred from depression, anxiety and isolation, since I was sixteen. I am 27 now and still a victim of it. However, I have been getting better at managing it. I don't have anyone I could call a friend, so I write and go to therapy. It helps. Anyways, the thing that I am struggling with the most is my sleeping habits. I have trouble falling asleep. More often than not, I have these movies which keep playing in my head and keep me from sleeping. And it is practically impossible for me to get up in the mornings. Usually, my head feels like a rock and lie on the bed half awake, trying to find some strength to get up. I rarely am able to get up before 11:00 a. I resent that a lot because getting up this late causes so much chaos in my life. I basically have to rush thru rest of the day to get some work done, which only makes things worse. If anyone has any tips in how to correct my sleeping disorder, I would greatly appreciate it. My email address is zalle_cool@hotmail.com Thanks in advance. cheer-e) Zalle

always sad - birdiegirl43@yahoo.com

Comments - I grew up in a family of drunks! My brother put a gun to my head one day when I was 20 that was the day I decided to move out.I have no real friends,only people that NEED something from me. I have been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember. I am married to a realy great man but he will never understand my feelings.a few mounths ago I had a miscarrige, this broke my heart. I've been trying to find some good out of that by doing things that I wouldn't have been able to do with a baby like a part time job that I love and planning a vacation but I finding that working 80 hours a week,taking antideprssents and being strung out on caffien only causes stress!my family hasn't remembered my birthday in years and this year they showered me with gifts then yesterday I found out why, my brother and his friends took MY dog into the woods dug a hole, put her in it and shot her in the head because she barks to much.I never write anything on these things ,and I always listen to every one elses problems so if any thing writing this and seeing the words makes me feel a little better.Thank you for reading!

Staci - stacibaloo@msn.com

Comments - I think I am depressed now. My boyfriend says its a monthly phase. I don't know tho. We fight all the time. I throw fits about the littlest thing he does wrong. I've become less interested in sex. I get upset when I'm not being physically touched by him. I don't like going out as much as I used to. Social groups scare me. I tense up and get nervous. I'm deathly afraid to public speak. I am 150lbs 5"7 and can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I've tried dieting and nothing helps. Pills wont work. Exercise won't work. My mother keeps getting cancer scares from the doctor. I'm in debt with $80k in college loans and worry about how I'm going to pay it back. I worry about my mothers financial situation because she was moved from one job to a low paying job.. I don't know if I'm depressed, but my boyfriend thinks its normal.

Roo - Ivy@westconnect.com.au

Comments - not mine but someone close. comes like a black cloud, aware but unable to do anything about it.in full swing involves anger from mild to cronic no longer physical.low self esteem.inability to interact socially on a normal level. there is much more. these moods do seem to go away as mysteriously as they come. normally my friend is a gentle kind intelligent individual.

Roo - Ivy@westconnect.com.au

LISA HEBERT - HEBERTU@AOL.COM

Comments - WELL I HAVE BEEN ON PROZAC FOR ABOUT 5 YEARS NOW AND MY FINANCES DECIDED ABOUT 2 MONTHS AGO THAT WE CANNOT AFFORD IT OR SO WE THOUGHT. THE FIRST MONTH I REALLY COULD NOT SEE MY DEPRESSION RETURNING BUT ABOUT FOUR WEEKS AGO I STARTED TO FEEL TIRED AND HOPELESS AGAIN. I STARTED HAVING FLU LIKE SYMPTOMS AND HATING EVERYTHING ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE. I HAVE NOT WENT TO THE DRUG STORE YET, SO I AM FEELING VERY PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD AND MY LIFE AND THE IDEA THAT IT TAKES THAT STUPID GREEN AND WHITE PILL TO MAKE ME HUMAN OR TO AT LEAST FUNCTION LIKE WHAT WE CALL NORMAL PEOPLE. RIGHT NOW I FEEL SO SAD AND OVERWHELMED BY EMOTIONS. I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND, GREAT CHILDREN, A NICE HOME, SO WHAT IN THE HELL AM I DEPRESSED ABOUT? I HATE FEELING THIS WAY BUT I CANNOT CONTROL IT AND THAT JUST PISSES ME OFF EVEN MORE. I HURT MY FAMILY WITH THIS. I SAY THINGS BECAUSE I AM ANGRY A MYSELF. WHY SHOULD THEY HAVE TO SUFFER TOO? I HAVE PHYSICAL AILMENTS WITH MY DEPRESSION. I AM SO TIRED THAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE A DEADLY DISEASE OF SOME KIND. I AM SO MAD AT MYSELF. ANYBODY ELSE FEEL LIKE THIS?

Rebecca - -

Comments - I couldn't stop crying I didn't even know why I was crying, I knew that i needed help. So here Iam looking for a little help

JILL PERCY - willie11166@aol

Comments - I BEEN SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION FOR OVER 20 YEARS.I SEEM TO DO WELL FOR ABOUT TWO AND HALF WEEK OUT OF EACH MONTH THEN THE OTHER ONE AND HALF WEEKS I AM REALLY DEPRESSED.I HAVE TRIED NOT A ANTI DEPRESSANT TO HELP ME YET.I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A DOCTOR....I AM 38 YEARS OLD AND WANT TO ENJOY MORE OF MY LIFE. I FEEL THE NEED TO CHANGE JOBS ATLEAST TWICE A YEAR. ANY SUGGESTIONS??? THANK YOU, JILL

Jerry - jebster1@aol.com

Comments - I have been experiencing bouts of depression for over 1 year. I am on medication and it does help. The triggering event in my case was the death of my father. I felt a deep loss and wasn't prepared for the aftermath of feelings. I now experience periodically bouts of anxiety which in many cases, leads to depressive feelings. I have had therapy, go to a Phyciatrist (spelling) and have purchased some tapes and a workbook from the midwest Center for Anxiety and Depression. I still am not completly better, but much better than 1 year ago. I felf helpless, hopeless and negative, yet everything else in my life was good. I tried several meds before finding one that suited me. Now I have ocassional second thoughts about this med not being right for me. It is a never ending game of what if, what is wrong with me, etc. Jerry

brittany - swtthng69r@netscape.net

Comments - im 15 years old and i have been dealing with deperssion for the past 3 years. i think that the only reason i am derprssed is because i had to move in with my dad. he is very mean to me and doesnt let me see my mother. i have tryed to kill myself 3 times in the past 2 years but have been to scared to go through with it. i dont think things will ever get better for me. i have been on so many drugs to try to help me but nothing will help. i guess i will always be this way.

anon -

Comments - I am 26 years old, and I can't remember a time when I wasn't feeling depressed. I tried killing myself when I was 12, and have fleeting thoughts of hurting myself off and on. I don't think they are serious "plans" or anything like that, but my thoughts definitely get more violent when I am having a depressive episode. Stress at work seems to make things exponentially more difficult in dealing with my depression. Many mornings I will oversleep because I just *don't care* when I get to work, even though I have a successful and promising career as a database developer. I literally count down the minutes until lunchtime, so I can run home and sleep for 45 minutes, then counting down again until the end of the day, for when I crawl into bed. It's unusual for me to go to bed in the darkness; usually I go to bed in late afternoon with the sunlight full-force in my house. My marriage fell apart, my finances are a disaster from overspending (yet another "quick-fix"), I am on the verge of getting in trouble with my job, and I have a hard time making and keeping friends because I spend so much time in bed and not socializing and actually acting my age. I have tried Zoloft and Wellbutrin, both worked for a very brief time and stopped working. I now am taking Paxil, which works "in spurts" but has been the best medication I have found yet. I am reaching the ceiling dose and may have to try something else. I have mornings when I wake up and think I will not make it through the day. I have mornings I will climb out of bed, cry in the shower, and climb back into bed. I "know" that I am an intelligent young woman with a promising future, but I also feel like I am on the outside looking in. I want to "feel" what I "know". Feelings are truth, as is factual truth. I have dreams at night of being in love, of having a beautiful home, of having a family. When I wake up, it is even MORE depressing knowing that my dreams at night are not my life. On the other hand, I may have violent dreams all night, and wake up depressed and anxious because of it. It's like never, ever winning. I'm just looking for a day when I will be feeling better. I read advice like "take a walk" or "don't stay in bed more than 8 hours a night/day" but so far this advice seems to take more motivation than I think I have. I try though, everyday. If you are reading these experiences because you are depressed, you are not alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We'll all eventually come to the end of this tunnel, surviving the trip is going to be the hardest part.

Anon - - - -

Comments - I am 24 and I suffer (in every sense of that word) w/the rest of you. My father suffers from depression as did his father. My other grandfather did also; so does my aunt; so does my cousin. I guess I had no chance to avoid it. Literally, for AS LONG as I can remember, I've been depressed. I was a very angry child: fat because I used food to medicate myself. It only wound up getting me made fun of for about 10 yrs. in school. Naturally, I developed bulemia & had that for 7 yrs. That's depressing in itself. Also, quite naturally, I have very little self-esteem. I value the image in the mirror more than anything. I was involved in a 4-year abusive relationship from 16-20. Most recently, this disease, this horrible black cloud which envelopes me everyday, has cost me the love of my life. I'd FINALLY found someone who showed me what it meant to love someone. He inspired me to go on medication (Zoloft). He allowed me to me myself. This awful monster would come out and yell at him, tell him how he didn't care about me; that he never did; that I didn't care about him. I would tell him, "You don't want to be w/me. Who do you think is hot, because I know it's not me." I would hurt him because (I suppose) I know pain. I don't know happiness. After 2 years of this, he left me 4 months ago and I feel like the Devil himself has wrapped his black arms around me. Knowing that I pushed him away physically hurts. I've gained weight (a terminal problem), I feel like the only person who ever really loved me is gone and it's MY FAULT. I have NO desire to have friends. I've pushed everyone away. Because I don't want friends, when they call, I feel like a really evil person because I don't answer, I won't call back and NO ONE gets it. Since my boyfriend broke up w/me, I went off Zoloft ( I was up to 200mgs a day) and now I'm dealing w/this w/out meds. I plan on going back to the doctor's, but that takes time I don't feel like giving. I'm a teacher and that alone takes every effort to look normal out of me. I hate that I put on an act for these people all day. When I'm home, I correct papers, nap, try to forget that I hate my life. It really is like a prison. Every once in a while you can see out, but you can't get out. If you escape, it's only briefly, and you're back in again. Everything -- ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I do is tainted w/this terminal pain. So often I struggle to find reasons to live. I'd never kill myself because it would destroy my parents. Otherwise, I feel useless & worthless. Everything I touch turns to pain & hurt. I'm SO glad that I'm not alone. All of these messaged really resonated w/in me. Thanks. Just know that people know your HEll.

Sue V - Sue.Verley@med.va.gov

Comments - My name is Sue. I'm a 42 year-old female, divorcee of 8 years with no children, now a breast cancer surviver, and I suffer from depression. I calculate my depression starting about the age of 12, after moving to live with my half-sister and her family. I lost my mother at the age of 9 to emphysema after many years of illness. Just as the author of this website, I too was an extremely bright, vivacious child who was "hard to control". My parents supported the idea of strict teachers who didn't understand my lack of attention was due to both a vision problem (probably caused by incubation at birth - not realized until 8 years of age) and insufficient educational challenges. My teenage years were difficult emotionally. I had wonderful friends, but moved with my new military family too frequently to maintain my close friendships. Upon entering my new family, I displaced the oldest child - a son - and became very close to the youngest - a daughter. In 1974 my half-sister and family adopted me. There were always conflicts with my "mom" and "brother", who resented my presence. Throughout all but my last two years of high school, I easily achieved above-average grades in public schools. The last two years of school were spent struggling through a private girl's college prep school. But the teachers there handled me well, and my shy, introverted personality blossomed as I was reassured of my capabilities. By the time I reached college, I was burned out on academics and did not do well my first year. I transferred overseas my second year, and my new environment offered me hope for an exciting life filled with challenges. In the summer of 1981 overseas,I met the man who I instinctively knew would be my soulmate for life; I dropped out of college, stayed employed, and moved back to the US to follow his military career. We were married in 1984, and after nine years of being a military wife, we separated in 1993 and divorced in 1994. Depression took a toll on my mariage through each new move to strange, and often unpleasant locations. I struggeled to get employment, and found it impossible to move up in my "career" over the years. Situational depression developed into emotional difficulties in my marriage. After being single again for a few years, I found myself in a profound depression in 1996 and saw a counselor for the first time who diagnosed me with disthymea. I got through it without medications. But in January 2001, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, underwent chemo and radiation treatment, and chemo induced menopause. After taking Tamoxafin since September last year, I've struggled with increasing, now daily, depression, anxiety and excesive weight gain. During the past year, I have lost friendships and a close relationship with a loving man. My work no longer offers me a challenge, and a different avenue has not been forthcoming. Finances have been difficult, and I worry constantly about my bills. My oncologist has taken me off the Tamoxifen and given me Zoloft to help fight my depression, anxiety, and hot flashes (caused from the menapause). I've also started counseling with a professional and am learning self-hypnosis and other techniques. I am slowly feeling better, but still struggle daily with my feelings. I wonder where I will be in a year, two, three. Can I make the career change that I so desperately need... And where do I look for new relationships? I love to travel, but cannot afford it with my debts. My social outlet so far, is with Internet research. It is my hope that this sight will offer me a chance to find others like me who can share their struggle and offer possible options to recovery. I welcome information and encouragement.

Monica - monicagrotewold@yahoo.com

Comments - I have this person very close to me that is relly depessed and I think she is only getting worse, Is not just "because" or for no reason at all, we are under a lot of stress and there are a few problems that cannot be solved at this moment. She says she feels unprotected, ang somhow guilty of whats going on, she's lost her security and is very sad, she can bearly get some sleep and spaces off thinking and thinking of what to do but no answers come to mind. I'm trying to show her I'm here for her, that I want to help even if it's just listening or sitting next to her or giving her space if she needs it, but how do I know if she relly wants to be alone, and what can I do???? Please help

JESSICA ESPARZA - EGALLARDO@PRODIGY.NET

Comments - HI MY NAME IS JESSICA IHAVE ALITTLE GIRL2 YEARS OF AGE I CONSIDER HER MY MIRCULE BABY.WELL IAM 21 YEARS OLD AND SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION SINCE AGE 12 YEARS OLD I HAVE BEEN TAKEING PILLS JUST PUT IT THIS WAY IVE HAD 14 ECT" AND IBEEN ON MEDCATIONS SICA YES ISTILL TAKE MEDACATION I TAKE ABOUT 10 PILLS OF DIFFRENT ANTI DEPRSENTS EVERY DAY MY ILNESS IS SKISO AFFECTIVE DIS ORDER.BUT I RALLY TRY MY BEST MY LITTLE GIRL IS MY SWEET LITTLE ANGEL! JUST HANG IN THER GODIS WACTING OVE ALL !THANKS JESSICA ESPARZA

kat -

Comments - Hi I am a 19 year old college freshman. I now believe I have it all, depression, eating disorder. I was raped by a guy I barely new in January and lost my virginity in that fashion. I did not report, because I was in denial about it. It took me 3 months to admit to any of this. I need help now. The semester is almost over. I was about to give up. Life is hard, lonely. I almost gave up, I almost quit school. Decided life cant get any worse. I also got rejected from the university I tried to transfer to, and had my debit card stolen cuz Ive been so out of it. I just pray that I will be ok. I feel better having told someone I was raped and I am depressed. Clinically depressed now...

carrie - canadian_wind@hotmail.com

Comments - About a month and a half ago I was trying to quit smoking and came down with a sore ear. At first I wondered if the problem was caused from the patches. When I finally went to the doctor I found out that I had water in my ear. This threw my whole body off. My ear felt so full and ached and they kept saying that there was nothing they could do for it. I also quit the patches to which I thought was the cause of all of this. Then felt a little quilty for doing this as I felt the same way after quitting the patches as when I was on them. Then I went for a mammogram and went to the doctor to see if anything showed up and when I got there he said he wanted me to go for another one. That something just did not seem right. Well that started the stress within my flowing. At that time I asked him if I could get some valium, that I was having a hard time sleeping and my mind just kept going with this ear thing. So he gave me some. Then I kept worrying about my ear, mammogram and also the fact that I am moving and going into a new relationship. The more I worried the worse I got and the worse I felt. Then I found out that my blood pressure was way up. So my doctor put me on a antibiotic for my ear and also blood pressure medication. To which I felt so weird and that is when all of this seemed to have started. He gave me a antidepressant and I tried it but couldnt cope with the feelings of totally being out of it. He then precribed a different one to which I have been fighting taking but did take a couple of days ago. I am still having a hard time being on this and now wondering if I need to be on these as now I am realizing that this last month there was alot of stuff going on and think I just got myself into such a worrying thing that then anxieties started happening to which I was asking myself what was the matter with me. Prior to my ear I was not feeling depressed at all. I had been going thru a very stressful last year but was not really really done. Could someone please help me with this decision to either stay on these for a bit or to go off of them. Thanks Carrie

ArtChee - ArtChee@metacrawler.com

Comments - Sharing feelings about depression: helps at the moment. I have been battling chronic depression for almost 30 years. I decided early to get help with it when I learned that I needed to change my way of thinking & was unable to do so only by reading "The Power of Positive Thinking," "Think and Grow Rich," "How to Win Friends & Influence People," "The Magic of Believing," "I'm OK, You're OK," "Your Erroneous Zones," etc., etc., etc. Over a period of 12 years ('76-'88), I visited private hypnotists, marriage counselors (alone), holistic physician, hypno-therapist, family counselors, psychiatrist, psychologists (3), even psychic-counselors; all to no avail. Three years ago, I returned for help with the hope that advances in psycho-pharmacy could somehow make a difference. After 3 doctors - one of them twcie - and NINE different antidepressants, all I got was minor side effects that only contributed to the problems. Now, in a last resort attempt to "get a life" I am about to end a 42 year marriage. Twice before I have announced that I was leaving, as my wife is very restrictive on any activities that I may have outside the family, and very reluctant to get involved herself in any FAMILY activities of any sort. This has been the constant problem. I have stood up for my right to have recreation & social contacts, but ALWAYS pay an emotional price when she voices her objections as to how I am ignoring family & family responsibilities when I am 'active.' This last three year attempt to get personal help was my last resort to save the marriage. I felt that I have a lot of potential that I supress in fear of upsetting my "domestic tranquillity" & that if I could find help in overcoming MY FEARS that I could become more productive, and present an valid arguement that might just give the wife more reassurances. When the drugs failed, I reluctantly went BACK into therapy. THIS TIME, however, it was to be something more than counseling - which only addressed the surface problems. This time, it was explained to me that I need to "get in touch with my anger." At first, since I do not regard myself as an angry person, I thought, "WHAT anger?" But a second look at how I would often snap at my wife when she asked me simple questions, I realized that there is probalby enough anger there to "get in touch with." However, 13 months with 50 weekly sessions never approached the anger that apparently lies deep beneath the depression. I felt like I had gone to bat 50 times and struck out each time. The depression, and marriage, was worsening. I felt no connection with the therapy, or had ANY sense of it's direction. I asked HOW do I get in touch with the anger, & was told that there was no receipe that he could give me. When I finally HAD to discontinue, he told me that I was looking for a "magic pill." DAMN -- I had ALREADY tried the "magic pills" & they didn't work. I feel like, by going to therapists, I am looking for that pot 'o gold at the end of the rainbow. It's more saddening to realize that it is just not there. My wife requested that we counsult a marriage (or, in today's terms, "couples") counselor before doing something drastic while so depressed. The counselor reccommended a book, "The Relationship Cure" by John Gottman, that suggests that our relationship can be cured by our learning his simple "communications skill," how to properly respond to our partner's "emotional bids." The counselor is also trying to convince me to have a life, whether my wife does or not, and the same for her. Do people REALLY go in "counseling" and react like, "Oh, yeah, let's do it that way," & live happily ever after????? I HAVE the communication skill that Gottman prescribes, and have no reservation to that. BUT, it does VERY LITTLE in this relationship. This "solution" is like taking your car to a car wash when you have serious engine problems. I have to overcome my spouse's deep-set fear of being "poor," which causes her to resent "foolish" spending on recreation, socializing, or VACATIONing. We have had only 4 real vacations in 42 years, that if you total them all up amount to 14 days TOTAL. All other vacation times off work have been spent visiting family - mostly, hers. There have been a few (less than 1 per year) over night trips, that don't qualify as vacations. It is further depressing, thinking about uprooting and starting life alone, but it is a much better alternative to spending my remaining 20 years (if lucky) sitting at home every night staring at the tube. Thanks for listening (reading) if anybody's there. ArtChee

Hope - number1lucyfan@wmconnect.com

Comments - My name is Hope and I am pretty sure i suffer from depression. A person cannot understand what we are going through till they cry for no reason and they can actually feel their heart hurt. We push the people we are closest to away because now all of a sudden we see them as threats. And it may not be easy on our friends but imagine what its like going from feeling fine to feeling like that if you droped off the face of the earth you would do yourselfa favor everyone has bad days but this is like A bad life. I hurt all over i cant get happy its like im made to be sad...

tammycoffman - tammycoffman80@hotmail.com

Comments -

marilyn -

Comments - I am concerned not only for myself, but also for the man who used to be my boyfriend. He is on medication, but drinks every day and I think that his medication doesn't work because of that. I am right aren't I? Alchohol is a depressant, so how can his medication work when alchohol counteracts it? He gets quiet and mopey for no reason and then I think it is my fault, that I did something to make him mad and he doesn't love me anymore, and since I am depressed too, I start blaming myself and picking myself apart and not feeling "good enough" in his eyes. Little things get on his nerves, and he gets pissy about things that shouldn't matter. Is that his problem or mine???? WAS my house so messy that it made him stop loving me? Then after a few days or weeks of beating myself up for not being perfect, I blow up at him, and he blows up at me, and we argue. Some great combination, huh? I am sad, tired, hopeless, and angry all at once. He would get mad because I couldn't help what "he was going through" enough, and then he got tired of having to "emotionally support me" as well, so we broke up. I don't want to abandon him when he needs understanding, but he abandoned me, so for my own health, I should stay away from him and plan on doing so. He has plenty of money, has a beautiful home and car, has everything he wants, travels, etc. STILL he is a miserable person. Why is he so unhappy? He has everything. As for me, I got laid off last year and am making half of what I made before, and life is not too good right now for me. I have 2 teenagers and am a single mom. We always struggle financially and I wish I could clone myself because there is never enough time and I can never be in two places at once but I need to be. That is enough to make anyone depressed. Am I truly depressed or is my life depressing me? What is the difference? I have many of the symptoms of depression, and on top of that, sometimes I just lose my temper and yell at whoever is near. I know I am not crazy, why does that happen? What is wrong with me??? I don't know for sure....and I don't know what to do to make things right. If my kids didn't need me so much, yeah, I might not be here right now. That is a scary thing to think about, but things are just so hopeless. Thanks for caring, whoever you are.

edina -

Comments - ..yes I like millions of other americans i suffer from a chemical imbalance known popularly as depression, always believing it would be week of me to take medication i neglected to do so for a long long time, than i was diagnosed with a seisure disorder J.M.E and my docter perscribed me to deacote being a teenager i did not want to believe it was as important as is so i would take it rarely if at all but definately not as i was surposed to not thinking of the side effects this made my depression worse and worse until i felt uncontrolable,alone and lost I wondered if i was the only one who thought things were just to dark to be colorful but than my docter and my mother informed me of the benafits of my medication..depacote.. and how this may help with my simptoms of deretion, today i took my depacote and today i am able to tell the world my story and tomorrow will be a brighter day...edina

edina -

Comments - ..yes I like millions of other americans i suffer from a chemical imbalance known popularly as depression, always believing it would be week of me to take medication i neglected to do so for a long long time, than i was diagnosed with a seisure disorder J.M.E and my docter perscribed me to deacote being a teenager i did not want to believe it was as important as is so i would take it rarely if at all but definately not as i was surposed to not thinking of the side effects this made my depression worse and worse until i felt uncontrolable,alone and lost I wondered if i was the only one who thought things were just to dark to be colorful but than my docter and my mother informed me of the benafits of my medication..depacote.. and how this may help with my simptoms of depression, today i took my depacote and today i am able to tell the world my story and tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Terri - baldwin@ptialaska.net

Comments - I've been this route before. I start to become out of control. It's like I can't stop from being self destructive. I can't think straight. My mind never stops. I work so hard to better myself and in two seconds tear it apart. I'm angry all the time. I lash out at the people I love the most. I find myself drinking more to get away. I'm tired, sometimes to the point I've stayed in bed 3 to 4 days. I hate my life and feel worthless. I'm tearing my family apart. I know I have a problem and have tried to let my family know but it's always put back and am told everythings going to be alright. I know myself when I get to this point and I am scarred to death of myself. My mother-in-law told me to look up on the internet and read up on depression. I have almost every single symptom except suicide, and if it wasn't for my love of my family it wouldn't sound so bad. I just want to be normal again. I just got married 2 yrs ago and received custody of my daughter 1 yr ago. Everything I ever worked towards and I'm at the lowest I have ever been. I know I need professional help but can not afford to go. What does someone in my situation do. I don't even know where to begin. I can't even go to anyone in my family to ask for advice because then I'm weak, and they have no patience or tolerance for that. Is there somewhere I can go as I am in dire straights. I don't think I can take too many more days of this. Terri

katherine -

Comments - Im not even sure if what i am experiencing is depression. I guess I generally feel like I can't control my life that everything is drifting by and im never going to be on top of it or in control. I feel hopelessly behind, disorganised and this makes me feel depressed. I get anxious, especially in romantic situations. I become clingy and panic stricken when the other person can't be with me all the time. This makes me feel like a failure. My older brother is severly depressed and has been for ten years, not doing anything but sit in his room and watch TV or perhaps drinking. I am only nineteen but still i have constant fantasies about shooting myself in the head.I seem relatively confident to other people, but inside my insecurites and self-doubts are overwhelming. I hate myself a lot of the time. The past ten years I have had to live with my older brother's depression. He has an alcohol problem in which whilst living with him up until a year ago, he would come home severly drunk and break everthing in the house. HOld knives to everyones throat and generally petrify me.We have an intervention order out on him, but still I love him and care about him very much. When i was about seven however, he did sexual abuse me. I have vivid memories, I don't feel like that has affected me all that much, but it does make feel quite sick inside. Im scared i am going to turn out like him. I don't want to be a failure, and I don't want to put my parents through what he has done. Im really scared. In addition, last year I broke up out of a two year relationship. I was sixteen when we started going out and it ended at eighteen. We broke up because I feel I ruined the relationship by my insecurities and clingyness. I was constantly cyring to him over trivial matters and didn't want him to leave my side. I needed him to hug me and needed to be holding him, feeling as if I had to squeeze something out of him to feel some void in myself. I don't know what to do, or how to fix it. I just want to feel in control and whole again. I need to stop these awful fantasies.

kat -

Ellie - extreme_queen98@yahoo.ca

Comments - Depression: My Personal Battle I'm writing my story to try and help those people that are having problems with depression, and/or for parents who might be reading this, looking for a way to help their kids. My story My name's Ellie, I'm 13 and in grade 8. I've been battling clinical depression for about a year and a half now. I live with my dad's parents, who've raised me since I was 8 months old. I don't get along with my biological mother, because she was using drugs when she was pregnant with me, which led to my blindness. My biological father and I, with the help of a family worker, are slowly starting to build a relationship, one that we've never had. My mother's mother pretty much disowned me, declaring that she wanted nothing more to do with me, because I was a selfish and spoiled brat, and other reasons that she's failed to mention. Those are just the recent events. I think my depression started when I transferred schools, from a blind residential boarding school, to a public sighted school. When I'd first made the decision, the thought that I wouldn't be the center of attention anymore never even crossed my mind. Well, as you can see, that's exactly what happened. After the first month or two, I started experiencing dizzy spells. I was also starting to feel helpless, and less independent, because at my new school, since I was still learning my way around, I had to depend on other students to escort me to my classes. This was hard on me, because at my former school, I new the building inside and out. That was problem number one. As the dizzy spell's got worse, I was put on a home school program. My vision Itinerant, who brailles my work, among other things, came to my home three times a week, to try and keep me up to date with my class. During this period, my symptoms got worse. Along with the dizzy spell's, I stopped eating regularly, stayed up until 5 in the morning, and slept all day. When my teacher Would give me work to do, I couldn't concentrate. My mind went blank, which caused a steady decline in my grades. After the dizzy spells were over, they were closely followed by Headaches, then by stomach pains, and nausea. Each time I went to the doctor, I got the same answer. "We don't know what's wrong." I was referred to Neurologists, Stomach specialists, and even got a CT Scan done on my head, and hearing and balance tests done, all with the same result. No one could find anything wrong. When all of this finally went away, I had been so used to being at home, and my patterns had gotten so crazy, that I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed to go to school in the morning. I was still staying up all night, and barely eating. My parents started accusing me of not wanting to go to school, which caused me to width draw in to myself even more, isolating myself in my own world. Finally, in May, I started considering the possibility that I was depressed. At first, I wouldn't, and couldn't except that that might be the problem, but as time passed, and things got worse, I realized that had to be the case. When I finally told my Mom, I started crying, and asking her if I was crazy. I hadn't told anyone about my speculation, not even my close friends, for fear of rejection, and questions I had no answers to being thrown at me. My Mom phoned my Itinerant Teacher, who promptly phoned my school's Vice Principal who made me an appointment with the school's Social Worker. To make a long story short, she was easy to talk to, but she wasn't the help I needed. She referred me to Sick Children's Hospital's Crisis department. That was a disaster. The woman I saw was a bitch, who didn't seem to understand at all. She even went as far as to imply, in not so many words, that I was faking the whole thing. I wanted to talk, and she didn't seem to want to listen. After that, I went to my doctor, who referred me to a psychiatrist named Dr. Joseph Feldman. I saw him on June 28th. We didn't really discuss much at the session, just the events that led to my depressive episode and other treatment options such as antidepressants. During the summer, I went through a period of denial, believing that everything was fine. My grandmother left for a two-week trip to Guyana, and I stayed with my aunt and uncle. My uncle was constantly lecturing me on "Having a balanced life" and "Taking adults advice" he actually managed to lecture me to the point of crying, and never even blinked an eye�just kept on going. Things just went down hill from there. I started hating myself again, and basically went back the way I'd started. I was scared to tell my parents that I had relapsed, which in reality, was actually my denial period coming to an abrupt end. I was scared of being labeled a failiur, because deep down, I believed that I was. Two days before school started, I was on the phone with my friends, talking about how I couldn't hold on anymore, and that it was getting harder and harder. My cousin who was sleeping over at the time, called my mother, and told her that I was crying. As soon as I told her that I was depressed again, I started shaking, crying, and repeating over and over how sorry I was. School started two days later. The day after, at 11:00 at night, I slit my wrists in the bathroom with a raiser blade. I was going to slit both of them, but then I got scared, and dropped the blade in the sink. When my mom saw my wrist, she bandaged it, and told me to go to sleep. The next day, I talked to a crisis support worker, from a local treatment center, called Youthdale. I was admitted to Youthdale's A.S.U. (Acute support unit) two days later as being Clinically depressed and severely suicidal. I stayed at the treatment center for a month and three weeks. I remained on the A.S.U. for two and a half weeks, before agreeing to a voluntary program upstairs, called the T.P.U. (Transitional Psychiatric Unit) that focused on gole setting, and family work. I was discharged from the service on Monday, October 29th, 2001. Both my family and I gained knowledge about depression, and I finally got the help that I'd needed-and wanted for so long. (UPDATE) I wrote the original copy of this story, in early December, of 2001, for a website called Teens For Teens: Help Stop Teenage Depression. Since then, there have been a lot of changes in my life, mostly positive. Now, I have a large circle of friends to turn to, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without them. My grades are up, and things are going fairly well with my family. I made it very clear to my biological mother, that I wanted no contact with her, and she had no option but to listen. My biological father wasn't too pleased about it, and even went as far as saying that he'd never speak to me again, but that didn't last long. Although he refuses to attend counseling sessions, we talk now and then. Now, I'm looking toward the future. I'm looking forward to attending Rosedale Heights Secondary School, which is a school specializing in the arts, located in downtown Toronto. Although it's likely for me to have another depressive episode in the future, I'm just going to concentrate on living my life to the fullest, and being the best that I possibly can be.

Connie - cabogirl@canada.com

Comments - My experience is with my fiance. I don't know for sure if he has depression but I think so. I'm signing up to find out if anyone has or had similar experiences. I look forward to discussing this with you.

April Crawfod - april1957@hotmail.com

Comments - I have suffered depression for about 10 years. The most effective treatment I have received is ECT. I am again suffering depression and I need some support, Do you think I should get in touch with the psychiatrist who performed by ECT, or do I just need to try to hang on a bit longer. I am a nurse and am in an nurse practioner program in gerontology, I just don't know, should I try to tough it out or get treatment: I appreciate your feedback. April

Comments -

steve - joru13@aol.com

Comments - I was diagnosed as dysthymic about ten years ago after a lifetime of underachievement,low self esteem, self loathing, inferiority comp;ex and social dysfunction. I don't ever remember a long period of not feeling this way however I had my first major depressive episode before ever being diagnosed. I have had three major depressions since then which coupled with my dysthymia puts me in the "double depression" category. I have a family history of depression including a grandfather two nieces and a brother in varying forms. I have been treated unsuccessfully over the years with several different medications mostly by a detached aloof pschyciatrist who dispensed pills freely but offered little else. I tried to go it alone (no meds) for a long while but came crashing down and tried to end my life but out of that came renewed and improved family support, a new more competent and caring doctor and a sense of cautious optimism that I had not experienced before. I feel as if I am a non professional expert having read and studied everything possible in recent years so now I am beginning to share in forums like these to get in touch with other sufferers while I wait for the medicine to work. I am anxious to share dialogue with fellow depression patients out there and will keep tuned in to this site.

Jill - howardjillian@hotmail.com

Comments - I am twenty. It started with school back when I was in kindergarden. I had no friends. They would all make fun of me. Years passed until I came here in MI. I call it "Hell". My father was a mental abuser. Until I reached high school. In middle school I met three people. They introduced me to their frineds. On that very same day. A girl came up to me.A fight began before my eyes. I didnt know what to say. After my responce everyone backed away. It only took a week till I relized that I had no friends. No boyfriends. I started gaining wheight because of it. I only had one friend from the last state I moved from. Today, my parents are anoying. I cant stand them telling me 'do this'. Or 'do that' with my life. I am almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel myself slipping away. I need a reason for living. No one here seems to care. I tried to get help but its impossible. But now I get the shakes, dizzeness, sick to the stomack, headache and very weak. Like I dont care about anyone. If there is surely someone who can help. Please do so. I dont know what my illness is.

Beth - frog_hollow83@hotmail.com

Comments - Finally after more than forty years with depression from mild to a severe nervous breakdown this past year I have sought the aid of a therapist, psychiatrist, Zoloft, Rhovane, which now I plan to be on for quite sometime. You're right, there is and always will be a stifma attached to it, but you know what, I don't care. I only shared my experience with three people so far, one who has had the same experience, my sister, and a close friend. I never knew what it was like to take an aspirin, but after much research, thanks to the internet, I am quite comfortable and on many days feeling good about my life, me as a person, having clean healthy happy thoughts too. Chemical imbalance is not a fun trip. I also have past haunts that need tending to. I urge all of you who have had mild or serious depression to seek help. There are trained people and meds to help you. You will be amazed at the end results if you work with your doctors and also yourself. God Bless you all.

lora - beckerkc@sky.net

Comments - I hardly know where to start. I feel such a deep saddness. I want so much to be loved by my mom. She has told me more than once that she didn't want me, and regrets having kids. She told me that when I was born I came early, and she thought i was so ugly. She has verbally, emotionally, and physically abused me throught my life. She has many problems, but won't admit she does. I was alone a lot while my parents were at work. My brother also physically, and mentally abused me. As a teen with little supervision i turned to drinking, and staying out very late. I let men, and boys sexually violate me. I became sexually active at 15. Things got much worse from here. I seriously injured a man in a boating accident. About a year lated I found a little boy drowned in a daycare swimming pool. That will haunt me forever. Shortly after that I began an affair with a married man who was a father of a child who attended the daycare. He said he loved me, and left his wife. Iwas 17 and became pregnant, and he went back to his wife. He had told me he would never hurt me. I had my baby and moved away. I started going to college,and was doing pretty good. Then he came back into my life again. I got pregnant again, several months after our second baby was born we were married. Several years later I got pregnant again, but sadly miscarried after 4 months, two months agter that i got pregnant again. We now have 3 kids together. I am now trying to cope with being a stepparent, a mother of 3, a wife to a man who is 15 years older, and depression. Please help me, I am on meds,and have had couseling. The only thing that keeps me going is my kids. But I feel myself fading, I can't focus, and can't remember anything. I hate my husbands ex, and find being a stepparent very very very difficult

robin -

Comments - I have depression from this stainless steel cleaner. It took 2 days for it to work i was all confuse when wook up

Dorothy Lange - dhlange@webtv.net

Comments - I have been cinically depressed for many years. Have had therapy & am taking medication. However, my husband died suddenlty in Jan.2002 & I have been working on grief but my kids are both grown and I am very lonely. Please help me!

Zara - shynkhan@yahoo.com

Comments - Hello, This is the first time I'm talking about how I feel with someone just other than myself. I believe I know the cause of my depression but I also know that I'm helpless about solving it. It's getting harder and harder everyday to get up from bed because the bed protects me and that's where I feel the most safe if not comfortable. My root cause of depression started when my inlaws moved in (nothing out of the extra-ordinary) but nonetheless, I feel I have no reason to belong in MY house since they've taken it over. My husband and I don't have any privacy anymore so I fight with him more often than anyone else. That's where it all started and I don't know how to talk about it, how to approach it... i'm just lost. Zara

Cheralee -

Comments - Please read this. Hi, I'm 16 years old. I am South African and I moved to New Zealand when I was 12. I got over that. Then I became so incredibly and entirely happy that I forgot what sadness and 'feeling down' was all about. Then about a year and a half ago I started feeling this little sadness in me, little but outstanding (if you know what i mean, i'm sure you do) i just thought that it will keep on going away but the more the i thuoght that the more sadder i got. So i would try and use every excuse not to go to school because all i wanted to do is sleep. In school i faked having headaches and feeling nauseous just so I could go to the sickbay girls room and miss an hour long period and just sleep. I would come home straight from school and sleep. This depression has come on me so strong that I feel like I want somebody to put me out of my misery, wanting to die in the middle of my sleep. The real bad part is I have no reason, absolutely no fucking reason to feel this dead, and so lonely. I have the most beautiful family anyone could want. Both my parents love me so much that my dad crys to see me like this, my mom is the same. My brother seems to be lost by my sadness (he is 19). I love them so much and they love me. I have a lovely house, lovely cat, lovely bed, lovely room, lovely country to be living in (although i hate it here, but i do believe that i will never ever be happy anywhere) this country gives you so many opputunities. Eat lovely food everyday, have all these wonderful facilities around me, still I want to die (not that i am suicidal) but i want somebody to kill me. Anyway, I'm on 20mg of Fluoxetine a day (thats prozac) I've been taking it for about seven weeks now and it's doing fuck all. Still i will persist with it. Just terrible side effects (nausea,dry mouth and so on) I feel so lonely because I simply cannot relate to any of my peers at all. The four counsellors that I have been to, all said that I am way, way beyond my years. They basically all told me that I have a higher level of thinking than most 16 year olds, and I know, I feel it. I seem to be truly affected by the lack of respect in this world, I am devastated each time when I watch the news, to know that is such hatred in the world (and i'm not blaming god or anything, i'm not that silly, not that i believe in god) really devastates me. It really hurts me to know that here I am lying in my bed each night and warm and comfy and somewhere in africa are little 5 and 6 year olds are forced to walk miles and miles for their water. I see beauty in everyone, even the murder's, the rapist's all those kinds of people. I really don't like judging people on what the fuck they do, that's not important. I always seem to think that something also must have happened in their life to make them do that, and most times it's just their own sadness acting out in different ways. I am currently taking a break of school, with the sympathy of my teachers and all that. I find that when I'm with my peers, they seriously like me so much (I'm not vain) but i find that when I am with them i seriously cannot relate to anything they say, while they're worrying about how their foundation looks, I'm sitting there in absolute pain, absolute misery, absolute sadness and hurt. Every hour of the day seems to be getting, wait not seems, it IS getting worse. I feel extremely empty and the worst part is everyone keeps on telling me shit like "oh you just have to ride it out", "i don't understand why you are so sad", "it's all in your mind", "you have to get on with life" -I CAN'T, i can't function at all. Nobody seems to be providing actual solace for my constant present pain. Before i could easily get out of bed and set my bed, and smile because I knew what lies ahead in the day. Now, even though I'm staying at home for about 3 weeks, I get more emptier and i get even more emptier when i think about returning to school I want to die. Not that i am a troublesome student, I mean yeah i fail everything but that's because i simply cannot concentrate on anything teachers say, but i don't want to be around all those people, all those people who worry about who said what about that, what they are doing in the weekend, all those people who have no compassion for anybody, all those girls who judge people on how they look, what they wear, fuck that!! just by me writing this, it makes me so sad and angry at the same time. Oh my god, I've rambled on for so long. I always, always ALWAYS feel so lonely, so sad, so empty, so lonely, so lonely, so lonely, so worthless and sometimes i actually think that I'm going crazy (but really i know i'm not) sometimes i think i would just love to go into hospital, have the nurses give me some drug that causes me to sleep for days and days. I feel like that now. Anyway, if you've stuck with reading my thoughts for so long, thank you. Finally all i want to say is that I am lost in this world of parallel pain and hurt. I really want to be taken away.

Dorothy - k -

Comments - Hi! "post-trummatic-stress disorder" is what caused me to have this Hell on earth,(DEPRESSION). I have been on effexor for two years. I would like to say to every one out thier, I have been to the point of sucide. I thought I was going crazy, not knowing why I was cring, lost interest in everthing and felt so alone and full of dispair, was unemaginable. I come from a very big, loving family, not perfected by nomeans. I had a oK, CHILD HOOD. Back to post trumatic stress- I was rapped by my friends father, when I was 2o, it will be 12yrs this summer. I didn't tell any one for years. When I tried to tell, but I was so confused. This was a man I trusted, call me blind. I was parellazed with what this man had done and said to me that night. He talked of when I was 13 teen and about when I stayed over with his daught. Sick man. I tried to reason with him and said to him, what would his wife and daughter think of him and what he was doing to me. He replaid, They would not beleave you, your bad. I said how would you feel if this happened to your daught, HE SMURKED AT ME AND SAID THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HER. I Blamed myself for being so nieve. Then one thing after another happened, betrail by friends. THESE SO CALLED POEPLE, WHO SAID TIME AND TIME AGAIN, THEY LOVED ME, I was like family. This was worse, then being rapped by my friends dad. I was sucked in to a situation, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED. Long story short, I was betrayed by a women who new, her husbands intenions, I mean, he had talked to his wife about wontting to have me in there bed, I was the live in nanny. When I was rapped by him, the man I worked for, in the house where I worked for them and lived, It was unbelevable. One thing after another, I shoved it all aside and went on with life. Come to find out, that it was true, the woman of the house who thought of me as a sister, never once told me, of her husbands sick thoughts. Finally she told me she was jellouse of the way HER husband and I could talk. That they didn't have that closeness. Back to the depression part-- You find out who your friends are and what you realy mean to them, when you finally get the gutts to tell them and ask for there help. Well, I found out and I thought, I would never,ever feel that alone. One friend of 27years, I can say, I been through hell and back with her and her family, She could not be there for me, But wonted me to be in her wedding, right beside her,this July SORRY NOT!! I was realy lucky to have worked with a lady, I felt ok with. Good person.lived in the same community for all my life. I called her at 12am one night,(THREE YEARS AGO) CRING AND STUMBLING FOR WORDS. I ended up there and she listened tome till 4:am. I owe her my life. She inspieres me and kept me on the reality said of life. All ways beleaving in me and never jugding me. I'm blessed with a angle. I think when I stoped praying and lossing aLL hope, God sent her, to show me there are good people in the world. At this point in my life, I,m trunning 32 in July AND CAN'T BELEAVE I MADE IT, THIS FAR. SO,I DO BELEAVE THEIR'S HOPE FOR ALL OF US!!! We just have to get the word out, that depression can be mannaged and over come. Next time I'll tell you about the books I have read tring to help my self THROUGH depression. I will tell you now, Dr. Phills new book, ("SELF Matters") CREATING YOUR LIFE FROM THE INSIDE OUT, iS REALLY ONE OF THE BEST BOOKS I HAVE READ, TO THE POINT AND NO! SUGAR COATING. Well, I'll leave you for now, my friends, and I'll say a prayer for us all, tonight.

John - jw_zoso@yahoo.com

Comments - I'm 21 and have been on a sliding scale between moderate and severe depression since early adolescence. I also have crippling anxiety which has prevented me from making and keeping friends since I finished high school. I tried Paxil but didn't seem to respond, now I'm weary to try it again but I am getting desparate. I am plagued by self-destructive thoughts and lack of confidence and self-esteem. Lately I've been doing much reading and research and have come to believe that one really needs to help themselves in order to start recovering. Therapy can always help, and maybe medication also. But you can't ever expect to be saved by external powers. This sounds completely contradictory to the argument that depressed persons already lack motivation and hope, but I feel this is true. I take comfort in the fact that one must work hard and earn recovery. Depression is hard and I don't expect some miracle pill to instantaneously cure me. Nobody can give you happiness, they probably would if they could but the reality is that the depressive needs to find it themselves. This probably sounds like some cruel, condescending bull shit but I believe its true and life isn't fair. If you are depressed just remember: you don't deserve to feel like this talking about it always helps to some degree writing in a journal (and periodically reviewing it) helps track negative though patterns relaxation techniques can help you get out of your head recovery is a gradual process and one shouldn't be discouraged by setbacks or relapses. I reccommend reading some books on depression, 2 which particularly help are: "Self-Coaching-How to heal anxiety and depression" and "Undoing Deperssion", I found them on Amazon. They're not miracle cures either but offered me much insight to my problems. Anyhow, If you are depressed, please don't give up hope,although it is hard. Get help, and help yourself, nobody deserves to suffer the anguish of depression.

carmen - sadbutterflie@earthlink.net

Comments - Well I was allways depressed and anxious as far as I can remember. My first thoughts of suicide were when I was a teenager(16years). There was this song and I wanted to die just like the girl in the song. After that I had a long time with alcohol and drugs. They kinda helped me with the depression and anxiety. I remember every night I would come home after getting drunk, I would go to the bathroom and puke. Then I would cry myself to sleep. Then I got married and the sadness became less, but the anxiety took its toll. I would have anxiety attacks and it would drive me nuts. I would be afraid to leave the house. I hated standing in line, I would run out most of the time. I hated movies. I hated being in the middle of a crowded place, like a train station. I allways felt like I had to run. I was very insecure and scared to be allone, but on the other side felt secure being at home, but not allone/ My now ex husband must have felt crowded by my neediness. So some years ago I had this great job finally. It was hard for me to find a good job and esspecially keep one. I was working there for a while(8month) and I got fired and had lots of stress with co workers. It took a toll on me, For the first time I got reall sick. I was not able to walk very long, I was not able to leave the house. I was sure there was something wrong with me physically. SO I got cheacked and I did have a thyroid desease. But that did not make my depression or anxiety any better. I was finbally given an antidepressant, Paxil. It helped. I remember after one major anxiety attack I had no more. I was not able to sleep. But I was able to feel a sense of contentment. My ex told me he remebers me being Zombie like with no emotions. I remember it as having taken a vacation of all the stress and anxiety I was going through. It was hard on my ex because I was not interested in sex at all. Thats when it kinda all started to go down hill with him and I. WHen the sex stopped he changed. Well I was on it for 6 months, and decided to come off on my own. I was ok for a while. But only with therapy. Then we moved, everything seemed to go ok I found another job, after like trying many jobs, I was happy again. I worked my butt off. I was trying not to make the same mistakes again. But it did happen again, not the same but the similarities were there. So I quit. I also found out that my ex wanted to leave me. My daughter was being a pain, I know she tried to get us to fix the us. But Unknowingly he had someone else allready, there was no way for reconciliation. I did not know at that time. I tried everything I could think of to save the marriage. Not knowing there was no way. He made up his mind he was going to be with this new woman. I did not know. I could not figure out why he would want to leave and not even give it another try, I was willing to do whatever it took. Well I got very ill during all this. I lost a trmendous amount of weight, could not eat hardly. I was thinking myself sick. I was patrified about being severely ill. My anxiety would be terribly out of control. I would after many visits to the ER and many nights of sleeping at the ER's parking lot, with no results of any serious illness, go and see a heart specialist and a psychiatrist again. I had tachycardia, my anxiety was so out of controll it just made my heart beat like crazy, put tremendous stress on me. I got a beta blocker. My psychiatrist put me on several antidepressants until I finally found one I stuck with. After many months, many many months I finally felt as close to normal as I could. Well today I have moved again and with the help of a new doctor I am still taking the beta blocker the best thing I could have done. I am still on the thyroid meds. I am aslo still on an antidepressant. WHich helps me alot. Right now I am going through a minor depression. I have not been out of the house in a few days and have no want to. I have the desire to sleep and sleep and day dream and not be with anyone/ I also know I need to go ut there and find a job. I am getting allimony form my ex but that is not enough, I barely get by. I am just not really into the life thing right now. All I want to do is stay at home and do nothing but be home.

david - dsevere@aol.com

Comments - im david and im 18 years old. I dont feel like going all into detail about all my problems, but i will share a little of it. I think i've been depressed most of my life, but i didnt really realize it until i was about 16. It has just kept getting worse for me. At 16 i was introduced to the psycho-pharmaceutical world. I was put on a few medications for major depression. That winter, i was hospitalized for about a week for planning suicide. As the months went by after that, things were up and down. The spring when i turned 17 went by all right. I would say i was mildly depressed. That following summer things got a little better when i had a steady job and a few girlfriends. But, the next fall things started rolling back downhill. School was starting, so it was kind of a stressfull time. Things just kept getting worse and worse. I couldnt concentrate on my schoolwork, so my grades went from almost straight A's to almost failing status. By the time december came rolling around, I'd had enough. I was seriously contemplating suicide, so one night i called the crisis line and they put me in the hospital for another week. Things after that hospitalization werent so hot either. I just wasnt getting any better. i had tried numerous medications, different doctors, light therapies, excercise, and day hospital programs. That april i was once again fed up. One night i was bored to death. I remember sitting at home by myself with nothing to do while everyone else was out having a great time. So i took 256 asprin, some alcohol and some other pills. I thought my struggles would finally be over. The next morning i woke up feeling terrible. I asked my mom to take me to the hospital. There i had my stomach pumped. I was put in intensive care for 2 or three days. Then i was again put in the psych ward. I asked about electro-convulsive therapy and my doctor agreed to let me try it. I ended up staying in the pysch ward for about a week and getting 5 shock treatments. For awhile, i felt even worse than before, but then i started feeling a little better. Since then (april 2002) i have had up and down moods. I am doing better than my worst point, but i still have a lot of improvement to make. Im currently on celexa and depakote. these are my 15th and 16th medications, or somethin like that. I just hope i can get my life straightened out and live happily and successfully

Dana - danabean03@hotmail.com

Comments - I am a 17 year old senior....although I have not personally been a victim of depression I am experiencing first-hand its effects. My mother, who is a very dear women, is showing symptomes of clinical depression although she neither acknowledges them or attempts to find help. I am trying to research the disorder and find out what all I can do. I want more than anything for my mom to feel better because I love her very much. I can't identify and sometimes I even get angy and think that she's being ridiculus, but I try not to take it personally. I am only 17 but I and the rest of my family want to help but don't know how. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to push my mom away. Any advice you can give me is welcome, even little things. With much appreciation, Dana

Laydie - Laydie_Kriss@hotmail.com

Comments - I've just recognized that I have depression. At first I thought it was a phase I was going through. Then I thought I would snap out of it, all I had to do was get my act together. Months go by and I can't. My depression began when a ex-boyfriend and I were breaking up. I tried to hold onto him by buying him something really expensive... I didn't have the money so I stole it, and landed myself in jail. I lost my job, my apartment, a good friend, and roomate, my car, everything. I've told myself for a long time, it was all my fault, and I'm just getting back what I put out there. But then it didn't end. I have a new boyfriend now, and i'm slowly driving him away. I don't even care how I look anymore, I stay in the house all the time, listening to depressing music (it's the only thing that calms me for some reason), I don't even socialize with my friends or family. I'm beginning to hate everyone, because I think they all hate me. People tell me they love me, and all I can think of is why do they keep lying. I do have good days, thing is at the end of the day I can't even remember it. I'm just depressed all around. I went to my doctor last week and she told me she's going to give me some anti-depressants. I hope something works. I'm only 21 and I want me life back. Whatever it takes I'll do.

kim - kchernecky@hotmail.com

Comments - I have a friend who is manic/depressive. She won't admit it because she feels there's a stigma attached. Her former husband abused her and she was sexually abused as a child. She has 3 kids, one of whom displays definite signs of depression, and another who lashes out. The alcoholic father/former husband calls constantly, although he does not have visitation at all. My friend takes an "anti-anxiety" medicine. She has sleep and eating disorders, is a hypochondriac, and everything is turned into a major, life-threatening crisis, no matter how small. She carries on about her terrible allergies and asthma, but is a closet smoker. Lately I am concerned about the way she has been leaving her kids. She feels they are too nosy and clingy, but she takes off all the time leaving them alone just about every night-on school nights even. It may only be for an hour or so, but she won't tell them where she's going, etc. No wonder they re clingy! They are old enough to be home alone, but are all very immature. 14, 12, 9. She recently had a nervous breakdown-her Dr. wanted her to go to the hospital. Instead, she basically abandoned her kids, leaving them with me, never giving my husband and me any information as to her whereabouts. The sudden breakdown revolved around sexual abuse that happened 20 yrs. prior. She says she just remembered. Ever since this happened, she has shut us out, I have caught her in NUMEROUS lies-she's been meeting a married man. She was all over my husband, which was addressed, and is now hanging out with a "friend" who is a terrible unfluence. She is also a single mother, one child who is out of control, they live in squalor, she sleeps around, parties all night, and neglects her child. My friend was always very responsible, but not lately. It's not to the point where DCF needs to come in, but I'm sure it's taking it's toll on the kids. The latest incident involves her oldest daughter who I believe suffers from serious depression. We discussed it, but she refuses to see it. She was friends with my daughter and another friend. Now, she has isolated herself and told my friend all kinds of lies to turn her against them. She insists they leave her out and ignore her, when in fact she turns down 9 out of 10 invitations, is unresponsive to conversation directed at her, and generally shuts them out. According to the girls, she really has no other friends, and hangs out mainly with very small children (babysitting). Otherwise, she is with her mother. I have repeatedly encouraged them to try and work on the friendship even though she keeps pushing them away. They are to the point now where they don't even want to try. She told their other friends they're bitches. She told them they lied to me about what's been happening, but I see it with my own eyes. My friend (her mother) refuses to see it. She turns a blind eye to the manipulating and the lies. The eldest actually goes out of her way to get a younger sister in trouble continuously. She prods, pushes, torments, and lies to her mother so the sister gets in trouble. Again, my friend only believes the older daughter. The younger one responds by being angry and sarcastic, and acting out. I think she has been made a black sheep and a scapegoat for so long, she feels she might as well act the part. I don't know what to do. We have been there for her financially, emotionally, spiritually, as a friend, as substitute parents to the kids......We are not financially well off, but have been very generous. We vacationed together so she could go w/her kids, and we put out a LOT of money for her. Much of which, we did not intend to get back. However, she was supposed to pay for her hotel, which was on our CC. The money is not really the issue-but, shortly after vacation, she lost her job, bought a $600 puppy, bought a new very expensive vehicle (that doesn't even fit in her garage), bought new living room furniture, and still owes us money. It's all incredibly irresponsible, and she has made no effort to repay the vacation debt. Again, we are not wealthy, but we paid about 1200 out of pocket for her. The rest was her resposibility. I asked gently after 4 mos. but it has not materialized. Again, the point is, if she has no money, why the new car, dog, furniture, while we are extending our generosity? We feel used. My husband and I are having trouble believing anything she says anymore. The lies and secrecy are disturbing. I don't know what to do anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?

kim -

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