Good Mood

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Good Mood:
The New Psychology
of Overcoming Depression

Chapter 14

cont.

"A very lovely, and sometimes even practical, thought. But didn't you tell me that you tried to help him and he refused even to acknowledge that he had disturbances? And didn't you say that he strongly opposed your going for any kind of therapy during your marriage, let alone his going for help, too?" "Yes, he did. The mere mention of the word psychologist or marriage counselor sent him into a fit of temper. He'd never think of going of even letting me go for help."

"The main thing you could have done, then, would have involved playing psychotherapist to him, and in your state, you'd hardly have proved effective at that. Why beat yourself down? You made a mistake in marrying. You did your best to do something to rectify it after marriage. You got blocked, mainly by your husband, but partly by your own feelings of severe upset, on both counts. So you finally got out of the marriage, as almost any reasonably sane person would have done. Now what crime have you committed? Why do you insist on blaming yourself? You think, erroneously, your unhappy situation makes you miserable. But does the situation--or what you keep telling yourself about this situation?" "I begin to see your point. Although my marital situation never has felt good, you seem to say that I don't have to give myself such a hard time about it. Quite a point of view you have there!"

"Yes, I like it myself--and often use it in my own life. But now if we can only help you to make it your point of view, not because I hold it but because you figure out that it really will work better for you, not even a poor marriage and an as yet difficult divorce situation will faze you. In fact, if I can really help you to adopt this viewpoint, I can't imagine anything that will ever bother you too much." "You really mean that, don't you?" "Mean it, hell--I believe it!"

And so, to some extent, did this young divorcee, after another few months of rational-emotive therapy. Whereas she previously kept telling herself how far from ideally and how horribly she behaved for not achieving this ideal, she now began to substitute problem-solving, internalized sentences for her old self-beatings. In one of her last conferences with me, she said: "You know, I looked into the mirror yesterday morning and said to myself, 'Geraldine, you behave like a happy, fairly bright, increasingly mature, growingly efficient kid. I keep getting mighty fond of you.' And then I laughed with real joy."

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"Fine," I said. "But don't lead yourself up the path of rating you, Geraldine, highly because you act so much better. For then you will have to rate yourself lowly, once again, if and when you act worse. Try to stick to: 'I like behaving so much better' rather than 'I like me for doing this good behavior!" "Yes, I see what you mean," she replied. "I feel glad you warned me about that. Rating myself I unfortunately do most easily. But I'll fight it!" This client discovered that her feelings did not derive from her unsuccessful marriage or her divorce but from her evaluations of herself in regard to these "failures." When she changed the kinds of thoughts (or internalized sentences) she fed herself, her emotions changed from depression and despair to sorrow and regret--and these appropriate negative feelings helped motivate her to change the conditions of her life. Not all clients, like Geraldine, see so quickly that they cause their own depressed feelings about divorce and decide to accept themselves. Some- times they may require months or years of therapy before they come to this decision. But persistence, on their and their therapist's part, certainly helps!"2

In summary, shifting the dimensions on which you evaluate yourself can be a potent weapon against depression. And even if it is not enough by itself, it is a valuable complement to other tactics.

Practical Steps For Keeping Joyful Dimensions in Your Mind

Now that you know what to do, you need to know how to do it. And as anyone knows who has tried to count blessings when feeling low, it is not easy to keep your mind from drifting away from a rosy dimension to a rotten dimension. Practical tips should therefore be welcome. Let's review how the "I never do anything right" woman in Chapter 10 changed her dimensions. Upon reflection and argument with herself, she recognized that timeliness at meetings is not the most important dimension of her life, or even an important dimension, because she almost never goes to meetings. And in general she does things well. So instead she decided to focus on the dimension of her overall work performance, for which her firm had given her special awards in two of the last three years.

Table 14-1

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