Appendix (4): Good Mood: The New Psychology of Overcoming Depression

Good Mood

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Good Mood:
The New Psychology
of Overcoming Depression

Chapter 15

Ways To Avoid Making Comparisons

Stop Thinking About Yourself

Bertrand Russell once wrote that the secret of attaining happiness and avoiding unhappiness is not to think about yourself.

"I hated life and was continually on the verge of suicide.... Now, on the contrary, I enjoy life...with every year that passes I enjoy it more....Very largely it is due to a diminishing preoccupation with myself."(3)

By itself, not thinking about yourself does not seem to be a clear or sensible prescription. But let us re-interpret Russell as saying that one should get into the habit of avoiding comparisons of the self with counterfactuals, which is a common form of "thinking about oneself."

Non-depressives usually have well-developed skills for shifting their attention away from situations that might produce unnecessary negative self-comparisons. In a report on more than three decades of life histories of a hundred Harvard students, starting before World War II, George Vaillant tells the story of a man who shifted dimensions effectively:

A California hematologist developed a hobby of cultivating living cells in test tubes. In a recent interview, he described with special interest and animation an unusually interesting culture that he had grown from a tissue biopsy from his mother. Only toward the end of the interview did he casually reveal that his mother had died from a stroke only three weeks previously. His mention of her death was as bland as his description of the still-living tissue culture had been effectively colored. Ingeniously and unconsciously, he had used his hobby and his special skills as a physician to mitigate temporarily the pain of his loss. Although his mother was no longer alive, by shifting his attention he was still able to care for her. There was nothing morbid in the way he told the story; and because ego mechanisms are unconscious, he had no idea of his defensive behavior. Many of the healthiest men in the Study used similar kinds of attention shifts.(4)

Research has also shown that depressives tend to have more self-evaluating and self-comparing thoughts than do non-depressives.(5) This is additional evidence that reducing the number of self-comparisons is a logical tactic against depression for depressives.

An example of how one can force oneself to avoid negative self- comparisons and thereby prevent sadness: Link S. himself a depressive, has a son, Daniel, who worries more than do most kids about school work, though Daniel is very good in school and Link tells Daniel not to let school performance worry him.

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One night Link asked Daniel to "promise" not to worry about school the next day. Daniel reported it worked. Then Link said to his son, "I ought to try the same thing myself." Daniel suggested that they exchange promises that each would have a happy day on the morrow. Link thought it was a lovely idea, and agreed. And it worked, even though Link was in the midst of a bad period at work. Since then they exchange such promises frequently, and Link - because he feels a responsibility to keep promises to his children - works extra hard at keeping himself in a sadness-free mood, banishing negative self-comparisons whenever they come into his mind, and turning his thoughts to family, specific work problems, and nature. This is evidence of the efficacy of the tactic of avoiding negative self-comparisons. It also shows again how one's mood depends both upon external conditions and also on one's mind set.

Will Your Attention Away from the Depressing Thoughts

All of us have very considerable powers to refuse to make evaluations and self-comparisons, and to influence our moods by sheer decision and force of will, as this small anecdote shows. The Jewish Sabbath is the center of our family's life, and an oasis of delight, especially for my wife and me. Please understand that this is a purely personal matter, and has nothing to do with any supernatural belief or religious obligation, but it is nevertheless very important for us. One Friday afternoon recently (after I had ceased being depressed) I was on an airplane due to make a tight connection with another plane and arrive at home before the meal that would begin the Sabbath on Friday evening. I fell asleep in my seat just before take-off, but awoke fully 45 minutes later to find the plane still on the ground. My neighbor told me that a broken seat was in the process of being fixed, and we could not leave until it would be fixed. The plane was already so late that I would miss my connection according to the schedule, and it was the last connecting flight that night. The fixing took another 20 minutes or so. I then asked the stewardess if there was anything that could be done to hold the connecting plane. She asked if there were others in the same shape, and she found eight or nine others. She then wired ahead, but told us that there was little chance that the connecting flight would wait.

As I sat in my seat, beginning to be very anxious about whether we'd make the connection, and very upset about the possibility of having to spend the Sabbath in a hotel away from my family and the bliss of the Sabbath, I could feel anger and then depression coming on. Then I thought as follows: If I stay calm and refuse to get upset, and if I miss my connection, will I lose anything by being upset? No. If I let myself get upset and we do make the connecting flight, will I later feel that I have been foolish in allowing myself to approach the Sabbath in a turmoil? Yes. Therefore, since being anxious and upset can do no good, and might be a foolish and misplaced internal commotion, why let yourself be upset?

I therefore determined not to let myself be upset. To that end I concentrated on making small talk with my neighbor and her children, breathing deeply in my belly to relax myself and make myself feel good, thinking about the lovely time I would have on the Sabbath if I did get home, and enjoying my airline meal. My anxiety broke through my pleasant calm from time to time, but when it did I firmly pushed it out of my mind and went back to breathing deeply or chatting.

And - it worked. Even more wonderful, by unusual air traveler's luck, the other plane was somewhat late anyhow, and it was held. I got home only slightly delayed, and in good time for the Sabbath meal. I was overjoyed at that good fortune, and additionally pleased that I arrived home in such calm and good cheer because I had not allowed my anxiousness to get home upset or depress me and then ruin my festive mood.

This example from Alcoholic Anonymous "Big Book" is instructive even though the aim was to avoid taking a drink rather than a neg-comp:

There have ...been numerous times when I have thought about taking a drink. Such thinking usually began with thoughts of the pleasant drinking of my youth. I learned early in my A. A. life that I could not afford to fondle such thoughts, as you might fondle a pet, because this particular pet could grow into a monster. Instead, I quickly substitute one or another vivid scene from the nightmare of my later drinking.(6)

Substitute a depressive's propensity to dwell on a neg-comp that affords the gratification of self-pity, for example, instead of the alcoholic's thought of a drink, and the anecdote provides guidance for avoiding depressing thoughts.

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