Trillian's Lighter Side

More Psych Humor

Now we're really rolling

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."

Two analysts pass each other in the hall. One says, "Hello."

The other thinks, "I wonder what he meant by that?"

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She then smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free.

Her husband asked her, "How it went?".

She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips.

Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to the other, "You know, I thought I'd been completely analyzed, but yesterday I experienced the most remarkable Freudian slip.

" The friend nods and waits to hear more....

The first psychiatrist continues, "I was having dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "Please pass the butter, but instead I said, You miserable bitch, you've ruined my life!"

Two men are in a hot-air balloon. They drift into a dense cloud bank and are stuck there for hours. Finally as they emerge they look around at the ground below in hopes of figuring out their location.

They see a man in a garden and shout down to him.

"Hello down there! Can you tell us where we are?"

"The man below replies, "You're in a hot-air balloon."

The first man looks at his partner and comments, "Just our luck, a psychologist."

The partner asks, "Why do you say he's a psychologist?"

The first man answers, "Well, what he said was obviously true, but it didn't help at all."

Neurotics build castles in the sky.

Psychotics live in them.

Psychiatrists collect the rent.

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your problem." the doctor said.

"So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have MPD
And so do I.

A psychologist was walking along a Hawaiian beach when he kicked a bottle poking up through the sand. Opening it, he was astonished to see a cloud of smoke and a genie smiling at him.

"For your kindness," the genie said, "I will grant you one wish!" The psychologist paused, laughed, and replied, "I have always wanted a road from Hawaii to California."

The genie grimaced, thought for a few minutes and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but I can't do that! Think of all the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how long they'd have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement. That's too much to ask."

"OK," the psychologist said, not wanting to be unreasonable. "I'm a psychologist. Make me understand my patients. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, what do they really want?

Basically, teach me to understand what makes them tick!"

The genie paused, and then sighed, "Did you want two lanes or four?"

Joe has been seeing a psychologist, someone schooled in psychoanalysis for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychologist meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"

"That's great news!" the psychologist says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"

"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"

"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."

"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"

"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

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