Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 9

3.24.00

I started to get involved in a psychology forum in Hebrew. It's really weird.When I tried to write my first MSG I found out I couldn't - Not in Hebrew, I can't seem to be able to write anything worthwhile in Hebrew. I get stuck. So I wrote it in English. I was never really any good at expressing myself in Hebrew. For some reason, English is easier. I was very surprised after I wrote the first section of this dairy. I didn't think I was able to write like that. Suddenly, I was free. And I've been free from that moment on. Weird, huh ?

Anyway. I went there for professional advice on how to open up in therapy. I know that I shouldn't have stopped it but I had no choice. It was going nowhere. Because of me. I just couldn't sit down and talk.

I know it has a lot to do with the army and after you combine this with my aversion from any kind of pychodynamic treatment, you get a one-way street to nowhere. I need to somehow let go of the army, to start again without being afraid. I can't. You see, I'm torn between two different emotions. He messed up my life real bad, but on the other hand, he eventually saved my life. Yes, he drove me to the brink of suicide but I can't be sure I wouldn't have gotten there on my own. It might have taken longer but I was depressed even before he "worked" on me. So you see, I can't hate him though I really want to. I respect him and I like him even though every part in my brain screams I shouldn't. I have no control over it. He took over my life, made me totally dependent on him. So I guess this is one of side-effects. You can't hate god. He was god for most of my army service. He had the power of life and death. He played me like a puppet on a string and I was powerless.

I can't forget it, and as long as I do - I can't be in therapy. What a mess !!!!!

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it.
~ Confucius ~

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