Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 9

3.1.00

My vacation has ended (not that I had any, mind you) and school started again. This time, I only have 4 hours of real classes (the kind you have to show up for and listen to lectures). I really love the courses I took, one about aggressive behavior and another about suicidal behavior. I almost didn't sign up for those because I was once a patient at the professor's clinic and I felt uncomfortable sitting in his class. So far, I'm okay with it. He hasn't said anything, so my guess is he's okay with it too.

At the beginning of the lecture on suicidal behavior, he gave us this talk about : "if you feel you are getting any ideas about killing yourself because of all the discussion about this subject, please come see me." It was kind of unnerving, at first. I know I might be inclined to these sort of things. I have a fascination with this subject. I listen to bands like Suicidal Tendencies and one of my fav' songs is "Fade to black" by Metallica. I also love dark poetry and I read lot's of it.

If there's death in it - I read it. I'm the kind of person that on the last episode of "Chicago Hope," when one of the doctors went up to the roof - I was going : JUMP ALREADY YOU S.O.B !!! (He did, by the way - but I don't think I had anything to do with it....lol).

Anyways, I spent a week trying to figure out the risk in taking the class and decided I can do it. He was talking about people who aren't aware of the fact that they might be inclined to take this sort of direction, and talking about it might trigger it. I know where I stand. I've fought this fight already and won, so far, so talking about it in class can't trigger anything. With me, it's out in the open, where I can keep a close eye on it - and I will.

Onto other things. My work is going well (for me). We had a setback in the program which means someone has to work more closly with the teachers, so me and my friend got the job. I will be instrcting the teachers instead of merely collecting data. This is what I wanted to do and this is what I'll be doing for a job after I graduate. This makes it very inportant to me. It might be fun as well cause I really love instructing and teaching, it has been some time since I've done it.

The bad news is that it would take up ALL of my spare time (which I was counting on) and as far as I know I'm not getting paid. On the other hand my Prof' changed my research seminar to collecting data about this program and maybe finding a way to improve it. So, all my hard work isn't for nothing.

What else can I tell you? I've been playing around with my meds lately. I was really absent-minded the last few weeks, so I kept forgetting things - taking my meds was just one of them. I forgot my wallet two more times and my cellophane again. I lost 3 umbrellas in the space of 2 weeks and probably a few other things I don't know about yet. I have no idea why this is happening. Could be the lack of sleep but I can't be sure. I can't get focused on anything. I can't read (well... more than 3 pages) and can't even see a TV show without checking out 3 more channels at the same time. This isn't a high though. I don't feel hyped up or over enthusiastic. It's just the attention thing. Hopefully it won't hinder my work cause I need to stay focused in order to it. I did manage to fix my sleep for now, so this might go away soon.

That's all I guess,
Trillian

Only in quiet waters things mirror themselves undistorted.
Only in a quiet mind is adequate perception of the world.
~ Hans Margolius ~

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