Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 7

9.26.99

Been awhile since my last update. My computer crashed, yet again. Sometimes, I feel I spend more time on re-installing windows than actually using it.

I have the new schedule for my next school year. It's a really nasty one. I have two full days (8:30-18:00 and 9:15-19:45) and two more days when I only have one course. Since I don't live near the college, this messes up my entire day. My guess is I won't be able to work this year (unless my professor decides he wants assistantship after all).

I can't wait for the year to start though. I've been doing nothing for too long and I'm getting restless. I started putting more effort into the karate again. I practiced 3-times this week and I hope to keep it up. My instructor is still playing games with me whenever I ask him to let me practice with a different instructor as well. So I went to the new one without letting him know. I'm going to sort it out this week. I had enough of the run-around. I have a black belt test in 2-months from now and I am going to be ready for it.

I went to see my therapist yesterday. He was worried about this web page. He wanted to know if I wrote about him here. I guess he has a point, I'm really not supposed to talk about our sessions here. There's this rule that says I have to keep it between us.

Well, I'm not into rules and in my case, I don't think it's relevant. The reason this rule exists is to make the therapeutic relationship something special and intimate, different from the regular, everyday ones. But the truth is - they aren't. And the information is not all that confidential. When I was still seeing my ex-therapist, she told me she confides with the head of the clinic (getting advice and so on). And when I was in the army, everything I told my mental health officers went straight to my commanding officers and the base doc. So the idea is: you can't talk about it with other people because it's private, between you and the therapist, but he can talk about you with other professionals because somehow they don't count.

The truth is - whatever I have with my therapist, it isn't treatment and he knows it. His role in things is pretty clear. He keeps an eye on me - no more no less. It's not that I don't like talking to him, I do. I'll probably miss is if it stops. But I still don't see the therapeutical part of it.

What can I say, after all that's been said and done, I don't really respect the psychological - clinical profession. And yes, I am studying to become one. How does it work? Well, my interest lies in one field of psychology. The only one I understand, can relate too and believe in: Applied Behavior Analysis. For those of you who know something about psychology ABA is what was once knows as behaviorism. I'm interested in behavior modification and the use of tools such as reinforcement or punishment. It's very different from the rest of the psychological field. I won't try to explain in it now. If you want to know more about it try: http://www.coedu.usf.edu/behavior/behavior.html or http://www.wmich.edu/aba/index.html

I've been told that I'm young and that I just started my educational process and therefore I should keep an open mind about other ideas. But, for me, this is a done deal. I fell for it when I was a freshman and even though I studied all sorts of theories and approaches, I still couldn't really take them seriously. My therapist told me once that when I say that someone is psychodynamic, I make it sound like a curse. For me, it is.

Whenever someone tries to talk to me about transference and the oedipal complex or whatever, it really gets on my nerves. That's why I left the therapist I had before this one. She wanted to talk about my childhood and analyze my dreams. It ended up in a big bang. I have no idea about the one I have now. He might try that b.s. on other patients (he's eclectic ), but he knows how I feel about it, so he never tried it on me. Works for me!

Well, back on track. What I was trying to say is: For me, there's nothing really special about talking to a therapist (he will really be offended if he hears about it). And therefore, I don't feel the need to keep things between us. The real reason I usually don't talk about the sessions is because there's nothing to say. I hope he can deal with this. I know I can.

Never be bullied into silence.
Never allow yourself to be made a victim.
Accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself."
~ Harvey Fierstien ~

top | continued | My Diary: Parts 1 2 3 4 5 6

home | about me | bipolar disorder | my diary | depression types | medications
quotes, humor, poetry | email me