7.5.99

Hi everyone. Sorry its taken me so long to update, but my computer is really unstable (I know dogs are supposed to take after there owner, but computers ??? I think it's got BP disorder as well. It works like magic at times and suddenly it crashed with no warning. :)

Things are really hectic here. I work really hard since a lot people left my workplace. They are short-handed and I find my self pulling double shifts. I also started the testing period at school so I'm totally swamped!

I don't get enough sleep (night shifts) and I'm really irritated all the time. I also smoke a lot more :((( The truth is that I just feel close to burning out. It's way too much for me. The good news is that my grades are still good (A's). I have two more tests and then I'm home free. I have a test in my most imported subject in two weeks from now and I was asked by my classmates to help them prepare for it.

It's kind of funny actually because what started off as a study group of four people has now grown to include most of the class. This is going to be a lecture to about 20 people. I take pride in that - especially since Amos (my professor) didn't ask me to be his teaching assistant and instead chose two other people. What's even better is that one of his assistants is actually coming to my "class".

I hope he'll take me next year. I went to talk with him yesterday because I wanted to join a class only open to freshmen, and he told me that if this course opens, he'd want me to help him. I hope he doesn't forget. I think he's afraid of giving me the responsibility because I'm bipolar and also because I have an image of being a somewhat immature person. As I already mentioned, my public image is very different from the one I have here.

I had a talk with my psychologist yesterday as well about my Practicum. I'm supposed to experience a one-on-one therapeutic relationship with a patient and I'm confused as hell. I was offered the opportunity to take a theoretical course instead and that's what's causing all this confusion. I really don't know what to do. So let's see if I can make some sense out of it:

1. I don't mind taking responsibly for myself by not taking my meds. However, what would happen if I crash or fly when I have someone else to look after? I mean, we are talking about intensive therapy here - two, maybe 3-times a week for a year. I would do it, but what if my own psyche goes crazy on me? I hate to think I can do real harm here. Also, I'm taking into consideration that I'm new at this. I don't know what I'm doing. I sort of need to feel my way around. And add instability into it as well. You know...
2. How will it affect me? I might over-identify with my patient and being unobjective might harm the relationship. How can I detach myself? If I don't it might be a trigger for me. Am I about to be a patient and a therapist ?
3. What do I tell the people I'll be working with? I know at least two of those places have a policy about psychiatric medications-"no meds, you can't be here !!! We only help those who are willing to help themselves (Meds !!!)." It's not right that I'll be making people take there meds while avoiding mine! That's just hypocrisy!

On the other hand:

1. I need this course! I don't think I can finish a BA in psych and not have any actually experience. I mean... I am studying this!
2. It brings up a very old and very problematic question -should some who has a mental health problem be allowed to treat other people? I think she should - but there are a lot of people out there that will answer that one with a big NO WAY!! By getting out of it, I'll be making their job easier.
3. Taking a theoretical course would be a lot easier on me. I won't have to put in so much time and effort into it
4. I want to do it. I really do.

So, options:

• I decide to take the theoretical course and be done with it
• I go to the one place I don't need to work one-on-one with anyone (there is such option) and lie about my meds.
• I go back on lithium and do it. Any other ideas? I can use the advice.

Trillian

Analyzing what you haven't got as well as what you have is a necessary ingredient of a career.
~ Grace Moore ~

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