Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 5

6.14.99

It's been awhile and I'm sorry. My computer has been under construction for awhile now and even this section won't be added until a few days from now. I just felt the need to write. I am feeling okay. Things have not gone down the way I was worried they would. So far, I'm sill stable.

I had a full month-- a test (in which I got 80 and I plan on re-taking), new job, leaving the new job (lasted 1 week) and lot's of books. Books have been my greatest escape. God, I'm not sure I would I have managed without them.

My sleep isn't getting much better and that's about the only thing I need to worry about. I needed to write because I just had a really difficult day. I'm a psych student, and part of it is to go and visit mental health facilities. Today, I visited the psyche ward at the hospital. Now this is hard enough for me - having to face it head-on, but this was especially hard because I had been there before; not in the psyche ward - but the general hospital over the lithium poisoning.

Since it was lithium related, I met with the psych docs there to get answers and to change my prescription. (you can read about it at the beginning of this dairy. I wrote about it when it happened) Anyway, facing the same psych docs there today was scary for me. As you know, I didn't go back on meds even after the doc specifically told me to. I was afraid I might be found out. I don't know why.

I walked in there as nervous as hell. I spent the first hour at a group session with patients and listening. I could see myself in their position and it got me so scared. Anyway, as you can see, this was a tough day.

The good news? First of all, I decided to face up to my fears and went to the visit. At the end of the session, I decided to go say "hi" to my psych doc. I don't know if this was a good idea, probably not, but I needed to it just to stop the what ifs-- what if he sees me, what if he'll talk to my psych doc at home, and so forth. I had to face it and stop worrying and it worked. He didn't bite me or anything like that. I told him to his face that I've been worrying like hell since I came in and I just thought I might as well say hello and get the embarrassing moment over with.

Another good thing is that I finally went inside the hospital and it wasn't has horrifying as I thought I would be. The idea of getting hospitalized was part of my worst nightmares. The demon is not pretty, but it's not as bad as I thought. For someone in my position, it's a good lesson to learn.

I went home feeling all boiled up. I even thought about calling my therapist and re-scheduling our session to tomorrow or whatever - cause I really need to talk about it, but I decided against it. There are rules about the session and I don't think I can call him up every time need to talk. I need to though it up for 2 weeks and work on it my self.

Trill

Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage."
~ Ray Bradbury ~

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