3.30.99

It's 4:35 in the morning. I can't sleep so I came here to write. I have a decision to make and it's a hard one. I'm thinking about stopping instructing karate and maybe quitting my practicing (with this sense). I no longer feel I can respect my trainer. That course I was in, the one I instructed, he made me pay for it. Now I don't mind not getting paid for my work. I get my "reward" just by instructing but I don't think it's fare for me to pay for it.

I paid, I didn't practice and I worked for him. It's not a lot of money but I need to work 5-hours to earn it and I think he is wrong! I called him up and he said he was "disappointed in me" for bringing this up; that he never asked for money for my extra day of training (you can pay for 2 lessons and train 3 times - so this "special deal" wasn't just for me). He said that since I'm a senior trainee, I have responsibilities like this and it's part of them and all sorts of this bullshit. I reminded him that I do practice one more hour for "free," but I help instruct for 4-hours every week which more than covers it. His reaction was: "I didn't ask you to do it. You wanted to."

I don' know what to do. I think I'm right. I know I'm right and I know I'm being used. But... karate has become such a big part in my life and I love instructing. I'm afraid to stand up for myself and lose it all. I'm supposed to instruct today. I will but this may be the last time. I'm just not sure it's the right thing.

Here is the secret of inspiration. Tell yourself that thousands and tens of people, not very intelligent and certainly no more intelligent than the rest of us, have mastered problems as difficult as those that now baffle you.
~ William Feather ~

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