12.13.98

Hello all. I felt the need to write again. Can't say things are going well :( I've been very Hyped up lately. This is a good time to try and "document" the process I'm going through.

Let's start with the beginning: At first I began to feel a bit restless, like I'm spending too much time near the computer and TV. I felt like I needed an outlet, to go out and do something! Then I started karate again. It felt good to finally work out. I was totally out of shape but soon after, and I mean soon, it became easy, too easy. So naturally I started practicing more, and more, and more. Finally, I came up to 4 practices a week - of which 3 are double practices. That is 11 total a week - from 1.5 to 11 in 3 weeks!

All through that time, my sleep patterns became jumbled up. At first, I couldn't fall asleep at night and then I woke up really late (after 12 noon). The next phase was to sleep late and wake up really early and then fall asleep again. Now I wake up early and stay awake and I don't feel tired at all. I feel really good most of the time and I'm doing all the stuff I like to do, but more intensely. I even managed to stop smoking. My psychologist is REALLY worried! And I think he might have a good reason - I get more hyped up and restless everyday.

My concentration is not totally there and I feel a constant need to do something, anything. I'm trying to be objective here (as hard as it may be) and I don't like the conclusions I'm coming to. This is probably a hypomanic phase :((((( I feel good, maybe too good, and I don't mind it but if this goes any further, I'll be in trouble.

I DON'T WANT TO, I WON'T GO BACK ON MED'S !!!!! :(((((((((((((((((((

I can still think straight for now, so nobody is insisting on it. What next ?!?! And now, for something completely different--College started again, and I'm really upset! I have one subject I'm really good at. The best in my class. I took five courses in the same subject area with the same professor. I know it in my sleep.This year, the professor took two people from my year to drill freshmen students- not me. I have the highest scores and XP in teaching and instructing. But he knows I'm BP (bipolar) :( I dunno what to do or to think now. I'd kill to work with him. I really look up to him and I REALLY LOVE the subject (applied behavior analysis - if you must know).

Sometimes I really think life sucks (actually it always does but sometimes it sucks even more than usual!). I actually cried because of that shit. And then came the inevitable question: WHY ME? WHY THE F*** ME? and there is no answer. I can't even blame anything or anyone.

Hope deceives more men than cunning can.
~ Marquis Vauvenargues ~

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