Life with bipolar disorder: An online diary Part 2

7.23.98

I had a talk with one of my college professors today. It had mostly to do with my decision to stop taking the medications and he pointed out something to me. He mentioned that my life would a lot easier if I learned to conquer my aversion to medical treatment. As with most things though, doing it is not easy. My aversion comes from many different sources. Some of them have to do with physical inconvenience but mostly it's a psychological barrier.

So, I'm gonna entitle this new paragraph:

WHY I HATE TAKING MEDS

1. I hate meds because my body doesn't seem to like meds all that much. I've been having some bad side-effects from any med I took (and I took quite a few of them);
2. I hate meds because taking meds also requires making changes in your lifestyle - like getting up at 08:00 every day in order to take the med, keeping a certain diet, refraining from drinking or eating things you like, and even the regular blood workups are not a really "fun" experience.
   
   Now these are just small inconveniences you have to suffer. When you are depressed or too high (manic), it's obvious to you why you have to live with it, but things seem a lot less obvious when you're feeling fine.
3. I hate meds because every pill I take is a reminder of the fact that I'm mentally ill, and being reminded of that 3 or 4 times a day, even though you feel normal, is a heavy lode to carry.
4. I hate meds because I feel they interfere with something too fundamental. They change the way I think, feel and act. I can't say I love myself too much but it's still who I am and that's the only way I want to be. My moods are a part of me, a big one. They are a part of what makes me who I am.
5. I hate meds because I truly believe that a person should be able to deal with her problems on her own. I can't, and never will, get used to the idea of depending on something other than myself to help deal with my own life. It hands a pretty big blow to my self esteem - what kind of a person am I?
6. I hate meds because they put great limitations on my freedom - there are things you just can't do while your on meds. On meds, I just feel trapped and my freedom is very important to me
7. I hate meds because it prevents me from trusting myself. I never really know who am I when I'm on meds. Am I Trillian or am I Trillian+meds? And Trillian+meds is probably very different from just Trillian. How can I trust my feelings and emotions if I know they're all affected by some outside chemicals? I don't know myself anymore and it scares the hell out of me.

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8. I hate meds because my hypomanic phase is something I look forward and I think it's worth the price of the depression that follows it. "I'm addicted to my highs".
9. I hate meds because they cause a lot of damage to your body in the long-term. As one very helpful pen pal told me - "you won't live as long... but at least you wont go berserk!"

   I AM GOING TO LIVE THAT LONG !

10. I hate meds because somewhere deep down I hope everyone is wrong and I don't actually need them. :(

So, in conclusion, I'd rather try and do without medications. Life is more than just being. Living, for me, is the ability to know myself and to trust myself to make my own decisions and have the courage and freedom to follow them. And you know what - I just might succeed !

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily.
To not dare is to lose oneself - Soren Kierkegaard".

and even I won't. As Gandi once said:
"Freedom is not worth having
if it does not connote freedom to err."

top | continued | part 1 of my diary

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