Words I Cannot Know

Here are some words which have had to stop existing in my vocabulary. I cannot feel them, I cannot use them, I cannot be them. From my 14 Nov 97 diary.

I cannot be -
Excited, exhilarated, loud,
Annoyed, irritated, angry,
Hasty, busy, tense, hurried,
Nervous, anxious, tired,
Lazy, procrastinating,
Disorganised.

I cannot have -
Alcohol, pepper (affects self management),
Late nights (in bed by ten),
Tight deadlines, stress,
Partying, speeding,
Arguments,
Television (I watch it for hours on end),
Mood altering music either happy, sad, or inspirational.

The following words are now in my vocabulary with a vengeance
Hope,
Achievement, confidence,
Control, stability, careful,
"No",
Try, fail, endurance,
Guilt-free, unapologetic,
Religion (it's quite calming),
Even tempered, calm.

If anybody checks the list, they'd see that I've become a good Muslim boy. It's ironic actually, because that was never the intention. I've checked, and my core identity has not changed - only activities have been adjusted. Some people think it makes me less than I was. But I know better, and if this is what it takes, I'm gladly willing to pay. The alternative, I cannot even bear to think about.