Living with Bipolar Disorder
Frequently Asked Questions

I Think I Am Manic Depressive. What Should I Do?

This is the hard question.

I listed questions that I have been asked and matched them to what I have experienced. I have also provided some advice on what you might do. Please read the whole document before you make or think about any responses to what I have written.

Symptoms of Bipolar Disorder that Others Have Described

Do you try to decide what you like or dislike, and realize you have no clue?
You talk about not having a clue - I assume you mean that you are not able to choose. Or alternatively, you cannot think clearly enough to make a decision. I consider a continuous waffling indecisiveness or fuzzy thinking as one of the symptoms of my depression. Yes, I do suffer something like this. The inability to decide or take action manifests itself from everything from what I should have for lunch (deciding on KFC or Burger King becomes a difficult problem) to social activities (I know I promised to go out with my buddies this afternoon, but I feel like doing it now and I don't want to call them and what do I care if our friendships suffer).

At a low level, this waffling is annoying, disrupts work or studying, and interesting it is not necessarily obvious. At medium intensity, the waffling and indecision makes it very difficult to get anything done and probably annoys your family, friends and co-workers. At high intensity, it shuts down your life completely.

I can't figure out who I am. It's like I pretend all the time, and just ignore my lack of self. And then it hits me, I don't exist, I'm not really a person, I am just a shell, and then I am lost about where to go or what to do.
I have found that the lowering of self-confidence is part of depression. And also the damping of emotions, especially the upbeat ones. If I don't feel very self-confident and if I do not feel happy or content with myself, and if I can't take decisions on what to do next, I'm only a very short step away from losing a clear sense of self, of who I am.

Until recently, I did not see myself in the mirror, just a face that had no particular meaning to me. My sense of self was that insignificant. Your shell metaphor sounds very similar to my lack of reflection in a mirror - we were both looking out of a stranger's eyes.

I don't even have what most people call emotions, I only fake them to blend in.
The closest I have come is putting on what I call a "public face," which does all the chatting and smiling when all I feel like doing is going home and not talking to people. It's quite and effort to do that, but nobody seems to notice how fake it it. Which somehow makes me feel worse.

I get into this thinking mood.
Does this mean you become quiet and think a lot about yourself or does this mean you think about all sorts of things, including yourself. The former could be related to depression, the second could indicate either being perfectly normal or a mild manic mood.

"Its more than just a little difficult. I keep trying to convince myself that there is really nothing wrong with me, and I am just a moody person. But I guess deep down, I know that isn't true. I just wish things were easier, more clear. I feel so indecisive about everything, and it makes life rather difficult."

You Are Not Alone
If you experience a lot of the symptoms above, then you experience a lot of what I experience and what a lot of other people probably experience. You are not alone, and your worries can probably be dealt with. It does not necessarily indicate depression.

So What Do You Do Now.
I'd like suggest you go for counseling or visit a psychiatrist.

But if your first reaction was like mine, you are going to raise your hackles, bare your teeth, say "no I don't need this, I can handle it" and make some workaround in your life which will be mildly successful.

Unfortunately, depression and its variants get worse as time goes by without treatment. If you recognize a problem now, and if it really is a problem, delaying will only make it worse.

I remember that my knee jerk reaction was caused by by the words "psychiatrist" which of course means "mentally ill" which means "crazy" which means "mental ward" which means people moaning and screaming and being tied in strait jackets and padded walls.

It also meant having people seeing me walk into the psychiatrist's or counselor's office and point and say "See, he can't handle himself, he needs help with his problems. He is not strong. He is not a real man."

Of course, neither of the two paragraphs above are true. But they were still fears I had to fight my way through before I could think of going to a counselor.

Actually my psychiatrist and my therapist are great listeners, easy going, oriented on what I am saying and very supportive. And neither made any direct actions to help me (except for prescribing medicine). The hard work of healing myself was all done by me. Is being done by me. What they did do is provide me with the space, the time, and the focus to allow me to heal myself.

So You Have Reached the Psychiatrist / Counselor
Describe what you are feeling and ask for advice. If what the counselor is telling you does not seem reasonable, go to someone else for a second opinion.

Do not let the person bully you into something you are not comfortable doing. Do not start medication unless you are convinced that what is being said makes sense - the medications create problems of their own. And psychiatrists are good at prescribing medication on the first visit, which I dislike. Unless the session lasted at least 1 1/2 to 2 hours and you described in substantial detail what you have been going through, I would be very wary of taking any medication.

Talking to a counselor / therapist is good, but no productive results may occur for three or four visits. It takes that long for you to feel comfortable with the person.

To Summarize
If you feel like how people say they feel like here, or if you have some of the symptoms of depression or mania, you are not alone.

Your concerns or problems may or may not be depression or mania. They can probably be dealt with, with or without medication.

You'll need to see a counselor or psychiatrist to find out what exactly could be wrong and what can be done about it.

You may need to jump past a barrier of self consciousness to actually visiting a counselor. This is not so easy for anybody. But you have to do it.

When you do visit the counselor / psychiatrist make sure you are comfortable with the person, make sure you are comfortable with the ideas presented and suggestions made, and if you are prescribed medicine, make sure you feel you have had a complete diagnosis.

Change the person if you are not comfortable.

And finally...

There are a lot of us here on the net who would be happy to provide support. That why we reached out in the first place. You are always welcome. Even with hard questions.