Cycling Downhill and
Trying the Brakes

Stablizing Finally? - Bipolar Diary

24 Feb 2000 - Bipolar Diary
There are some good side-effects of being hypomanic. Everyone in the office has the flu. Except me.

So there I was, ready to go to bed and wondering how long the depression would last. Then I decided to redesign the Contents page of the website. At my fixed bedtime, C. called me to sleep and was ignored. After five minutes of, well, not quite an argument, C. went to bed in a huff and left me working on the design.

An hour-and-a-half later, I couldn't concentrate on the screen anymore, but I couldn't sleep. I picked up a book to read, went to the couch to read for awhile and realised that my heart was racing as if I had just been running. Since this was a signal for mania, I revisited what had happened at bedtime.

I had gotten caught up in a project, had a spat with someone I loved even though I was in the wrong, and then worked to exhaustion to complete a project. My shoulders and jaws were tense. I couldn't even concentrate on the book I was reading. All mania signals.

It's not clear whether the spat with C. triggered the mania or vice versa. It's really hard to separate cause and effect. But I suspect that the mania was building, which explains both my easy ability to be pulled into the work and my easy anger with C. Shall we say the argument merely brought it into full focus.

Of course once I recognised that I was in my hypomanic stage, I grabbed control. I started the usual deep breaths to relax myself, and I took 100 mg Tegretol to calm myself. About twenty minutes later I felt calmer and my heart did not feel as if it was racing so fast.

Then I went to bed, where C. was still awake and missing me.

I fell asleep, loved and being hugged.

All muscles still tense though.