From a Life of
Bipolar Hell to Hope
Actress describes 'lost years,' urges others to get help
(Sept. 17, 2004) -- Terminator fans know Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor - tough as
nails and out to save the world. But in real life,
Hamilton was having trouble
saving herself.
In an interview with AP Radio, Hamilton revealed that she's
bipolar. She has
struggled with depression most of her life and was a
compulsive eater as a
child. She knew something was wrong, but she didn't know what.
For 20 years, she tried different therapies and treatments in a desperate
search for answers. She finally was diagnosed 10 years ago. Once she got her
illness under control, she decided (well before Jane Pauley's similar
announcement last month) to talk about it.
Why? So others don't have to suffer as she did, and to promote a program that
stresses exercise and
good eating for people who suffer from mental illness.
QUESTION: The Terminator movies gave you an image as a tough cookie. Did you
feel that way yourself?
ANSWER: I became this sort of iconic figure of fitness and toughness, and I
was like, "Oh, no, no, no, you don't want to be like her." She was a woman in
hell, a woman that was suffering horribly. Please don't mistake who I am for who
that character is.
Q: Were you tough to live with in those years?
A: If I was suffering or angry with my husband over the smallest slight, he
would suffer. And if we happened to be with his brother and sister-in-law, they
would suffer. There was no capacity to remove myself from my condition and think
about other people in the room and how they might not want to have to be dragged
into this, so it was all about me.
Q: How many years before you found out what was wrong?
A: I would say 20 full years of symptoms, not counting my childhood. From 20
to 40. I call them my lost years.
Q: Were you having severe mood swings?
A: Very severe. My first husband said you have the most incredible joy and
the most incredible sorrow that goes with it. Without giving it a name, he had
pretty much summed it up for me.
Q: What were your manic highs like?
A: It's an amazingly brilliant time. You don't need sleep. I think I existed
on four hours sleep a night for four years. . . . You wake up feeling great. But
it's not all great feelings. A lot of the raging that I did I think was the
manic part of my disorder. The capacity for fighting, war, taking everything on,
taking too much on, overachieving and then raging because my system was so
depleted.
Q: And how about the lows?
A: Like falling into a manhole and not being able to climb out no matter
what.
Q: How were you finally diagnosed?
A: About 10 years ago, when I really was crashing and burning, had spent many
years, you know, not only looking for the answers but sort of
self-medicating
with drugs and alcohol as well, and was struggling to keep my marriages intact.
It was at that point that someone wouldn't let me out of his office. He said,
'You are so seriously bipolar. You should not leave this office without me
calling your primary physician, and we need to get you on medicine.'
Q: What should people do if they want to get help?
A: If you recognize some of the behavior that I talk about, those
out-of-control responses, there are Web sites. Get yourself informed; there are
questionnaires you can fill out and take to your physician. Do your work. It is
so worth it to get the help and
to live the quality of life that I am living
today. And I really believe that if it was possible for me, who lived in a dark
hole for so long, it's possible for anyone.
Read companion story: Linda Hamilton: I Am Bipolar
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