I received this letter from a support person awhile ago and eventually
posted it (with permission) to a professional Anxiety news list on the internet. Because
of the intense nature of the letter, I had no intention of posting it on our own Anxiety
news list. I felt many may be upset by it and some fail to recognize it was an extreme
case. I was wrong! I eventually had to post it. It was so full of mental anguish I called
it "A Cry From the Heart." It was very well received. Several wrote to me saying
how much it relieved their minds to know their experiences were not isolated. I have
included one representative response.
P.S. He has now received the support as well as the the professional help he needed and
is much better. His wife has also improved and they have both grown closer together as a
result of the experiences they shared.
It's 5:45 am. There is a whimpering coming from the person beside you and the bed is
shaking. She is having another panic attack -- the third tonight. She has tried hard to be
still and not wake you but now she knows you are awake her arms go around you and the
whimpers become full sobs. You hold her tight and tell her it is all alright. Everything
will settle down in a few minutes. One part of you is trying to get back to sleep while
the other is staying awake because you know that to her the bed is rolling, the walls
falling inwards, her heart is pounding and her hands feel like they are swelling up to the
size of beach balls.
Today is your day off which means she will able to come out of the bedroom and be with
you. Since the agoraphobia set in she has not been able to leave the bedroom unless you
are home. She has awakened some time ago but is afraid tell her body it is time to get up
and cause that initial surge of adrenalin as it will bring on another attack. Because it
is a special day with you home she does get up then slowly, hanging on the the railing,
makes her way into the kitchen. She walks like a drunkard but you know that is because her
legs are rubber, the floor is seething and the lights overhead seem to be falling on her.
The next day is a work day. About 11 am comes a phone call from her crying for help.
She has been fighting an attack since 9 but can't seem to remember her exercises to bring
herself back down. The secretary is very good at putting her calls through immediately.
You excuse yourself from the group and take the phone to take on the process of bringing
her down. You are worn out from it but your voice, somehow, assumes a calm tone and you
gently tell her what to do. It was so much easier when there were other people to help but
friends gradually drifted away due to the frequent last minute broken engagements, a fear
of mental illness (which this is not) and the relatives have all found reasons not to be
involved. Who else does she have? No one.
You arrive home much earlier than usual. In the bedroom she is sitting on the bed and
trying to hide the bottle of narcotics she has been staring at for time. You gently take
the bottle; kiss away her tears of shame and tell her it is alright you love her just as
much as when you were married and will always be with her. You talk about the time she
will be better ..and hope there will be one. Everyone does get over it eventually - so you
are told. You fully understand why the divorce rate is over 80% - but the echo of "in
sickness and in health" keeps running around in your head. And the suicidal thoughts
do not surprise you as she still has all her mental faculties but she can't control what
is going on inside her body. The suicide rate is extremely high. Sometimes you walk in the
door not knowing if you will find a living person or a body - maybe she was asleep when
you phoned or just didn't hear it, or maybe.....
It's November and she has her heart set on buying you a Christmas present all by
herself. There is no hope of it being a surprise as you have to stay within a few feet of
her at all times or the waves of a panic attack start flowing in her. Several times she
tries to go into the store but you end up back at her safe place in the car. Finally she
makes it into the store, grabs almost the first thing she sees and pretends you are not
with her. Come Christmas Day you will both both act as if you had no idea of what you were
getting. But that will be Christmas Day. In the immediate future you know she will sleep
most of the next few days from the energy exerted in doing the best she could for you.
The time has come for her to try to start driving again. Hopefully this will take some
of the pressure off you. You have both spent weeks going out together with her driving
sometimes and you driving when she found she could not continue. She has a cellular phone.
You can stay at home and relax. Not likely, you have to sit by the phone to ensure the
line is free if she needs it. You are just as much on watch as if you were with her. When
she does phone you have to gently talk her back to the house or to one of the "safe
places" she has identified so she can wait until you can reach her.
It has been a good week. No panic attacks and the agoraphobia seems to be lessening.
She can get out a bit by herself. She is even starting to be able to make SOME decisions
again. Unfortunately the lack of control she had with the panic attacks has left her with
little to no confidence in the decisions she has made. They are constantly being
re-examined and there a fear there which makes it almost impossible to take a definite
step. On top of this she has become so fear driven that every small event is catastrophes.
Do you leave her to work it out herself or again assume that calm voice and talk
rationally to her about it? God. We have come to assume a frightened child/parent
relationship. Where is the person I married? Where is the relief for you. You don't even
have the sex to help remove the tension as the last thing a depressed person is thinking
of is sex. Also, who wants sex when the adrenalin flow will bring on another pa? That part
of your life was denied you years ago.
You know there is a build up in tension in her because she is starting to yell at you
again and taking everything the wrong way. Dealing with her is like walking on eggs. You
are almost wishing for her to have an attack to get it over with. She will sleep for some
time afterwards which is the only peace you get.
Dear Ken:
Thank-you for posting this. The story comes as no surprise as my husband and I have
gone thru it, though a little less extreme. The tears are running down my face, as I think
what has been going on in my wonderful husband's mind. I thank GOD daily for your book, as
it has given us the strength to keep working at our marriage. Now that my depression has
lifted, I think that if I had not become ill with depression, and Panic disorder, I
wouldn't have met all my good friends-Ken you are one, and become a fuller , more
compassionate person. It has also done this for my husband who before living with me,
wouldn't have understood or cared about people with our disorder.
Thank-you Ken.
