Caregiver Letters and Stories

The Caregiver

Home
About Me
Panic Attacks
Anxiety - Workplace
Anxiety - School
Anxiety Q & A
Helpful Tips
Caregiver Stories
Caregiver Support
Support Book
What's New

back to anxiety-panic community

send this page to a friend

CAREGIVER LETTERS & STORIES

Anxiety Disorders - The Caregiver

information and support for family and friends of those with anxiety disorders

Here are examples of letters I have received. They speak for themselves.

THE BACKGROUND

I received this letter from a support person awhile ago and eventually posted it (with permission) to a professional Anxiety news list on the internet. Because of the intense nature of the letter, I had no intention of posting it on our own Anxiety news list. I felt many may be upset by it and some fail to recognize it was an extreme case. I was wrong! I eventually had to post it. It was so full of mental anguish I called it "A Cry From the Heart." It was very well received. Several wrote to me saying how much it relieved their minds to know their experiences were not isolated. I have included one representative response.

P.S. He has now received the support as well as the professional help he needed and is much better. His wife has also improved and they have both grown closer together as a result of the experiences they shared.

A Cry From the Heart

It's 5:45 am. There is a whimpering coming from the person beside you and the bed is shaking. She is having another panic attack -- the third tonight. She has tried hard to be still and not wake you but now she knows you are awake her arms go around you and the whimpers become full sobs. You hold her tight and tell her it is all alright. Everything will settle down in a few minutes. One part of you is trying to get back to sleep while the other is staying awake because you know that to her the bed is rolling, the walls falling inwards, her heart is pounding and her hands feel like they are swelling up to the size of beach balls.

Today is your day off which means she will able to come out of the bedroom and be with you. Since the agoraphobia set in she has not been able to leave the bedroom unless you are home. She has awakened some time ago but is afraid tell her body it is time to get up and cause that initial surge of adrenalin as it will bring on another attack. Because it is a special day with you home she does get up then slowly, hanging on the railing, makes her way into the kitchen. She walks like a drunkard but you know that is because her legs are rubber, the floor is seething and the lights overhead seem to be falling on her.

The next day is a work day. About 11 am comes a phone call from her crying for help. She has been fighting an attack since 9 but can't seem to remember her exercises to bring herself back down. The secretary is very good at putting her calls through immediately. You excuse yourself from the group and take the phone to take on the process of bringing her down. You are worn out from it but your voice, somehow, assumes a calm tone and you gently tell her what to do. It was so much easier when there were other people to help but friends gradually drifted away due to the frequent last minute broken engagements, a fear of mental illness (which this is not) and the relatives have all found reasons not to be involved. Who else does she have? No one.

You arrive home much earlier than usual. In the bedroom she is sitting on the bed and trying to hide the bottle of narcotics she has been staring at for time. You gently take the bottle; kiss away her tears of shame and tell her it is alright you love her just as much as when you were married and will always be with her. You talk about the time she will be better ..and hope there will be one. Everyone does get over it eventually - so you are told. You fully understand why the divorce rate is over 80% - but the echo of "in sickness and in health" keeps running around in your head. And the suicidal thoughts do not surprise you as she still has all her mental faculties but she can't control what is going on inside her body. The suicide rate is extremely high. Sometimes you walk in the door not knowing if you will find a living person or a body - maybe she was asleep when you phoned or just didn't hear it, or maybe.....

It's November and she has her heart set on buying you a Christmas present all by herself. There is no hope of it being a surprise as you have to stay within a few feet of her at all times or the waves of a panic attack start flowing in her. Several times she tries to go into the store but you end up back at her safe place in the car. Finally she makes it into the store, grabs almost the first thing she sees and pretends you are not with her. Come Christmas Day you will both act as if you had no idea of what you were getting. But that will be Christmas Day. In the immediate future you know she will sleep most of the next few days from the energy exerted in doing the best she could for you.

advertisement

The time has come for her to try to start driving again. Hopefully this will take some of the pressure off you. You have both spent weeks going out together with her driving sometimes and you driving when she found she could not continue. She has a cellular phone. You can stay at home and relax. Not likely, you have to sit by the phone to ensure the line is free if she needs it. You are just as much on watch as if you were with her. When she does phone you have to gently talk her back to the house or to one of the "safe places" she has identified so she can wait until you can reach her.

It has been a good week. No panic attacks and the agoraphobia seems to be lessening. She can get out a bit by herself. She is even starting to be able to make SOME decisions again. Unfortunately the lack of control she had with the panic attacks has left her with little to no confidence in the decisions she has made. They are constantly being re-examined and there a fear there which makes it almost impossible to take a definite step. On top of this she has become so fear driven that every small event is catastrophes. Do you leave her to work it out herself or again assume that calm voice and talk rationally to her about it? God. We have come to assume a frightened child/parent relationship. Where is the person I married? Where is the relief for you. You don't even have the sex to help remove the tension as the last thing a depressed person is thinking of is sex. Also, who wants sex when the adrenalin flow will bring on another panic attack? That part of your life was denied you years ago.

You know there is a build up in tension in her because she is starting to yell at you again and taking everything the wrong way. Dealing with her is like walking on eggs. You are almost wishing for her to have an attack to get it over with. She will sleep for some time afterwards which is the only peace you get.

A VERY MOVING RESPONSE

Dear Ken:

Thank-you for posting this. The story comes as no surprise as my husband and I have gone thru it, though a little less extreme. The tears are running down my face, as I think what has been going on in my wonderful husband's mind. I thank GOD daily for your book, as it has given us the strength to keep working at our marriage. Now that my depression has lifted, I think that if I had not become ill with depression, and Panic disorder, I wouldn't have met all my good friends-Ken you are one, and become a fuller , more compassionate person. It has also done this for my husband who before living with me, wouldn't have understood or cared about people with our disorder.

Thank-you Ken.

Shelley

How about sharing your caregiver story or tip with us?

top | more letters

HealthyPlace.com Homepage
Chat ~ Forums ~ Communities
HealthyPlace.com Films ~ HealthyPlace.com Radio ~ News
Site Map ~ Web Tour ~ Advertise ~ Email Us
send this page to a friend