A New Beginning

At this point I had been on-line and reading everything I could get my hands on, finding out new information about PAD (panic anxiety disorder) with agoraphobia. I felt there was help out there for me, I just had to find it.

I sat down with the phone book and started getting phone numbers to therapists that specialized in PAD. I was really anxious and afraid to make the phone calls. What would I say? Would they think I was totally crazy? All these thoughts kept running through my head. I had to do this. I wanted out of this self-made prison I had built for myself.

I made the first phone call. I left messages and some returned my calls. I would explain how I was housebound and really needed someone to come to my house for the first visit. This is the point in the conversation where the therapist would usually say something to the effect of: "I don't make house calls." I felt so stupid and started slipping back into my old thoughts, that there was no help for me and I was being absurd for asking for a therapist to come to my house.

I was getting worse-and-worse. I couldn't sleep. I was waking in the middle of the night in a full-blown panic attack. I started making phone calls again. I had one therapist call me back and after explaining my situation to him, he said, "In the first place, I don't make house calls and I have a waiting list of people who want to come to my office to see me. How could I possibly come to your house!" "OH MY GOD," I thought, how awful for a therapist to say this. I thought "good thing I wasn't suicidal". At first, I felt like crawling in a hole, but then I thought, NO-WAY! I was actually more determined to find someone who understood.

The very next day, I got a phone call from another therapist. Once again, I explained. He started asking me questions. This was different. My heart started racing. He stopped and told me that he would think about it and call me back. I waited anxiously for his call. The phone rang, it was him, Dr. Cohn. He told me he had never come to anyone's house before (my heart sunk). I could hear his next words in my head, but then, to my surprise he said he was willing to come to my house!! I couldn't believe what he said. He said he would come. He set up a day and time for the appointment.

When the big day arrived, I was nervous and excited. I saw his car pull up. He was a tall, gray-haired man. He came in and smiled at me and introduced himself. I liked him already. He asked me a lot of questions, writing as we talked. He diagnosed me with extreme panic disorder plus agoraphobia.

He also asked about my family background, any other family members who suffered with any forms of PAD. I told him about my grandmother, who had committed suicide because of her problems with PAD and of my other family members with alcohol problems. He explained about the hereditary aspects of this disorder and chemical imbalances.

He wanted to start me on some medications. He told me to please take the medications as he prescribed and then explained how his patients were afraid of taking any medications. "He must be reading my mind," I thought. He talked about how the fear of taking medications is actually a symptom of PAD, how someone like me, is so in-tune with every little change in our body's reactions to anything that we won't take medications.

I felt reassured about the medication. I promised I would take them. He set up another appointment, in his office. He told me if I didn't feel like I could come, he would make one more visit to my house.

I started taking the medications. It wasn't easy. I was so afraid of putting anything inside my body, fearful of how it would make me feel. He started me out very slowly on low doses, increasing the dose in 5 days. I was on my way. I felt few side-effects from the medications.

The day came for my appointment. My daughter drove me to his office and there I was. Dr. Cohn gave me a big hug and we started talking. I had made it to his office. I felt like I had just ran a marathon and won. This was my first step back into my life.

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