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A "problem" eating in Social Settings...

Q:  I've got this "problem" with eating in front of other people. I have no problems dealing with people, but when it comes to a meal (like a Christmas gathering at work/home) the symptoms starts. I may feel hungry 30 minutes in advance of the meal, but when it closes up to 5 minutes it starts. I lose my hunger and I get all dry in my mouth, my stomach starts to become funny and just continues from there. I don't want any food. I've overcome the problem with reading in a magazine/comic or watching television, it's only when you sit there, nothing to do but eat the symptoms appears. This is of course a problem which isn't really funny to have. And the Christmas dinner at work, will probably not go very well. You can't actually sit and read a comic with your boss and everything. We're going out on a restaurant, so it would be even more silly! What can I do?

A: I would say you are experiencing a form of what is called Social Anxiety (of course you would need to talk to a Health Professional to get a diagnosis). It isn't a very funny "problem" to have. It effects your life in a detrimental way. There are a few strategies you can use to assist yourself (at least in the short term). Ultimately, you may need to look at going to a Clinical Psychologist who does Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to sort out the inner dynamics of the problem.

The first part is to practice what is called relaxation techniques. This will reduce the amount of anxiety that develops. We teach a form of meditation that is very effective in reducing the anxiety levels and also aids in the cognitive (thinking) aspect of the anxiety. It would be very beneficial for you to contemplate starting a meditation practice. It will help in all areas of your life. On the day, or even the lead up to the dinner with other people, you can use the following techniques:

1. At the first signs of anxiety - hold your breath (not a deep breath, just a normal breath) for 5-10 seconds. When you reach the 5-10 second mark, breathe out and say the words "relax" or "let go" to yourself in a calm and soothing manner (as if you were speaking to your best friend or your own child ... very kind and caring). Then breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds and repeat this as much as you wish. Say the word "let go" to yourself every time you breathe out. Breath in smoothly, not forced but gently. At the end of each 10 breaths in and out, hold your breath again for 5-10 seconds and then continue breathing. Continue in this way until you want to stop. Breathing in this way will release and let the anxiety to flow. The problem with the anxiety is that we tense up against it and in effect hold it in our body. This leads to the increase of "anxiety" symptoms and the spiral to what you were describing. You can do this anywhere without anyone knowing you are doing it. If you feel more comfortable, you can just excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and do it in privacy. The important part of this is to start to recognise when the anxiety starts to effect you. To become aware of the initial signs of anxiety.

2. On the day I would recommend a meditation session, in the morning as you wake up to release the built up anticipatory anxiety that has accumulated. Anticipatory anxiety is the anxiety we accumulate when we "think" about the "Oh nos" and "what ifs". The thoughts that say "I don't want to do this" and "Tomorrow is the day" etc. You know what I mean. We sit and worry about the event well before the event even occurs. Every day the anxiety increases. You have perhaps a couple of weeks before the Christmas dinner. Now is the time to start to reduce the anxiety. You may find yourself continually thinking about the upcoming dinner and feeling anxious about it. This is the power of our thinking. Meditation can help to reduce this built up anxiety and also helps to learn to let go of this thinking. If we can let go of the thinking pattern and the thought train, it will not effect us. (Harder than it sounds) Meditation gives you the power to do this. But it is your choice. One way or another, you are going to have to start to work with your thinking in the coming weeks. Instead if giving those thoughts so much power, start to bring you awareness back to the present moment... what are you doing right now and bring all of your awareness back to that .. if you are driving the car, then drive the car, observe the trees, the car in front. Whatever you are doing, do it totally, not do it on automatic and having your mind thinking about the dinner in two weeks time. If the thoughts come back, then bring your awareness back to whatever you are doing right now. With practice you will be able to do this very effectively. It demands that you WANT to let go of the thinking. There is a lot I can say here but time constrains.

3. On the day, you can do tension release exercises. These involve a form of progressive relaxation. Take a small breath and hold it from 5 seconds. At the same time gradually tense a chosen muscle group eg. the stomach muscle group. Then breathe out slowly and slowly say to yourself "relax". Slowly release the tension from the muscle group as you breathe out. Every time you breath out after that say the word "relax" and let the tension flow out from the muscle group. Whenever you feel a tension in your body, do this exercise and repeat as often as you wish. Don't tense your muscles to the point of discomfort. It can be done anywhere. Can use a variety such as - place hands palm against palm, press down with the top hand while trying to lift the lower hand; place hands under the sides of chair and pull into the chair, place hands behind the head and interlock the fingers.. try to pull hands apart while pushing head backwards into hands etc.

4. The most important aspect is going to be your thinking. It is your thinking that is creating the situation, it is your reaction to the anxiety that it is perpetuating it and it is your specific fears that are the catalyst for the whole scenario. Those fears can be the "what ifs". Only you know what these are but many people have the fear of appearing foolish to others, worry about what other people will think of them, worry that they will commit a social error, are effected by the opinions of others, are afraid of making a fool of themselves, are afraid they will shake in front of others, worry about the kind of impression they will make. These are common fears for many people, but your specific anxiety about the dinners ... you will have to investigate this for yourself. In the end, they are all JUST thoughts. It is their effect on us that is the difference. Sometimes you need to work backwards to find out what is the root fear or thinking pattern. You start to feel the anxiety and then work backwards to find out what was the thought that catapulted that .. the "Oh no", the "what if", the fear thought. Sometimes it is triggered by an image .. eg. people starting to take a seat at the table is enough to trigger the thinking pattern .."Oh no, there is no escape now, here we go again" etc. Whatever it is for you. The thinking aspect is important. Look at the evidence and in the end, the reality is that this is only going to last for say 2 hours and that is all. Compared to the sum total of your live, if you know that the dinner will last for a limited time, it is easier to work with. It is not endless, it is only a small time period. You have the option of breaks during the dinner. The other thing is that you say you will have nothing other to do but eat. As I remember Xmas dinner with my work mates, it is more like a sitcom (TV program) than TV. That is, you take the focus off the food and eating and onto the talking, listening, laughing. You focus is to become engaged in the lively conversation. You don't even have to eat that much if you don't want to. There is no rule that says to have to eat. You have control over this. The reality of the situation is that you can eat when you want and how much. If YOU give youself permission to not have to eat, it takes the pressure off. You don't have to eat. Most people aren't even aware of how much you eat or don't eat, they are too wound up into their own world.

5. The last suggestion I have is one that has worked particularly well for many of my clients. A lady in a situation similar to you found it worked fabulously. It will be time limited, say for 10- 20 minutes and that will be that. It is called imagination restructuring. What you do is create the Xmas party or whatever in your mind. All the scenarios your mind is telling you. You walk into the room and there are all your friends. To talk to them and tell a joke etc. Then the food is brought out and you imagine yourself through the whole dinner. The jokes or stories you'll tell, etc. You see yourself pecking at your food between conversations and it is all fine. You may even drop some food in you lap and no one notices... you see yourself dealing with whatever comes up. You have strategies up your sleeve before the day. At least you in yourself feel that you can deal with whatever you fear will happen. In imagination restructuring, you can see different strategies you can use on the actual day, phrases that can offset any fear you have and it makes it less of a fear of the unknown situation.

In the end, I suggest if you feel this is effecting your life in a detrimental way, then go and see a Clinical Psychologist in your area. As I said, they will help you delve into the hidden dynamics of the "problem". It is not something that you will have to live with for the rest of your life. My thoughts will be with you at Christmastime and hope that these strategies help you.

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