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... Guilt

Besides our fears that belong to our Anxiety Disorder, another big turn on for the 'Flight-and-Flight' response is GUILT. Who feels guilty? Most of us do and sometimes the guilt we feel can compete with our anxiety and panic.

"I should have done something - I shouldn't have done/said something - I said something that could be misinterpreted - I am not being fair, compassionate - I am selfish, I must be a bad person - I shouldn't be anxious - I should just be able to pull myself together - I am wrecking everyone's life ..."

Around-and-around it goes. The way we think about what we should have or shouldn't have done creates a sense of danger. This time the danger is not from the Disorder and it's fears, but is from what will other people think of us.

What is guilt? What is remorse? Is there a difference? Yes there is. A big difference. The guilt most of us feel is in fact bad for our Mental Health! Most of the time, the guilt we feel is based upon our perception that we have broken some ethical or moral standard or code of behaviour. What we don't see is that the ethical, moral standard code of behaviour does not belong to us, but is carried over from childhood. Most of the time, the guilt we feel is a conflict of what we want versus what we think other people want; especially if we are going to be the good, nice person we were brought up to be.

The guilt we feel because we have an Anxiety Disorder is based upon the perception we should be a perfect person who should not have any problems, who should be there for everyone at all times and in every situation. The fact we have a legitimate problem, the fact that many of us have not been diagnosed for years and/or not received appropriate treatment is ignored by us. We feel guilty because we are not being a good, nice person.

The question with guilt is whose ethical, moral standard code of behaviour are we violating? Are we violating our own code of behaviour or are we violating what we perceive as the 'right' type of behaviour for a good, nice person.

Remorse is different. Remorse is the awareness that we have wilfully and unnecessarily acted in a hurtful manner which violates our own ethical, moral standard code of behaviour. It differs from guilt because there is no implication that our transgression indicates we are selfish, a bad person etc. It simply says we need to look at why we broke our own code. Remorse or regret are aimed at our behaviour, it is not aimed at the Self. Remorse clears the pathways to alter the situation in a creative and functional way and then we can move on. Guilt is aimed at Self and carries with it anxiety, shame and/or depression. Our thoughts get channelled into negative thoughts and behaviour instead of problem solving.

We all try to be a 'good, nice person'. Yet in trying to be a 'good, nice person,' we suppress our Authentic Self. That is not to say that the Authentic Self is a 'horrible, bad person' that needs to be suppressed. What it does say is that we do not have the confidence and trust in ourselves to find out and to be who we really are.

From what we have seen over the years, the suppression of the Authentic Self appears to help perpetuate the Disorders and without doubt causes increased anxiety and guilt. The Authentic Self holds our power, creativity, joy. It holds our anger, grief, our compassion, our own mortality and standards. In working with our guilt, as well as our Anxiety Disorder, we need to connect back and get to know the Authentic Self.

Irrespective of our childhood backgrounds, most of us have suppressed our Authentic Self since we were children. As children, we did not have the logic or the intellect to understand our own feelings and emotions. We took our cue on who we thought we should be from our parents and/or significant others. We learned that our anger, grief, creativity, spontaneity, joyousness, etc. were not appropriate feelings for 'good nice' people. We also learned that to be accepted, liked and/or loved, we must put other people's needs before our own. We modelled our behaviour on who we thought we should be and not on who we could be. If we violated who we thought we should be, we felt guilty and we worried about what other people thought of us. Even though, now as adults, we do have the logic and intellectual ability, we still react to the world around us as who we think we should be, rather than who we could be.

The question of guilt is whose ethical, moral or standard code of behaviour are we violating? Recovery demands we begin to take care of ourselves, but many of us become frightened even to take the first step because we feel selfish, and then guilty, in putting our own needs first. Whose standards of behaviour are we breaking when we begin to take care of ourselves, when we begin to look after our own needs. How is taking care of our own health, in it's many and varied aspects, something to feel guilty about?

When we worry about being 'selfish.' and what other people think about us. we give away our own power and mental health to everyone else. Looking after our health means we need to become responsible for ourselves. And how can being responsible for ourselves be anything to feel guilty about? Who's moral code is being broken? Working with our feelings of guilt means we need to be aware of how we interact with people around us. We need to see how our feelings of guilt arise when we think we are not being a 'good nice' person.

Feelings of guilt arise when we think we have violated other peoples' code of behaviour. We need to develop our own standards and then if we do break them we will feel remorse .. not guilt. Remorse is directed towards our behaviour and we have a choice in how we deal with it. Guilt is aimed at the Self, and carries with it anxiety and depression. There is no choice. Be aware. Take back the power and let the guilt go!! Recovery is our NUMBER ONE priority. You are your Number One Priority. Besides, if you don't take care of your own needs .... who will?

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