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And so this is Christmas...

Christmas time. Sometimes it comes so fast. Every year, the build up to Christmas seems to come earlier-and-earlier. Even the Supermarkets have their Christmas wares proudly displayed in early October. The build up to Christmas seems ludicrous sometimes, considering that it is only for the one day of the year. The 25th December. Christmas.
As some of you may not be aware, Christmas is one of the worst times of the year for people who have an Anxiety Disorder. In fact, it is the time of the year when our telephone support service becomes overloaded. There are many reasons for this. One is because we feel we are expected to go from one relatives' house to the next. Some feel we must visit the relatives and fear having a panic attack (not having told the relatives of our condition). Another reason is because we feel trapped by all the trimmings of Christmas--we must have the Christmas dinner prepared, the pressure of gift buying (did I buy a good enough gift...?) etc. There is also the fact that there is such a lead up to the actual day. We may spend months thinking about Christmas. Thinking about having to go somewhere we don't want to go. Thinking about the "What if's". Feeling more-and-more trapped with every scenario we think of.

Take for example:

"Christmas is a special time for many people. The month was October. June had recently talked to her mother-in-law about the Christmas arrangements. It was expected, of course, that June and her family would spend Xmas day with the in-laws. One problem. June didn't want to go again.

Every year was the same. She hated it and dearly wanted to spend Christmas at home in private, just with her husband and children. Although it was only October, her mind would not leave it alone. She replayed, over-and-over, the traumas of the previous years--fights, perceived insults, sitting next to Uncle Bob who belched continually, being hugged by Cousin Clara with the bad case of BO, the vegetables swimming in layers of fat. She reflected on how every year she had to stifle the impulse to scream and run out the door. How every year she contemplated feigning a terrible illness (no one knew of her Anxiety Disorder) on Christmas morning so she wouldn't have to go.

June had months to go before Christmas day. Months of replays, worry, anger, and resistance. Her anxiety levels increased daily as the year moved forward toward D-day. Panic attacks consumed her. You ask: "why didn't she just say no." That was the simple solution. "But what will they think? But what will they say about me? They will think I am a terrible person. What will my husband say?" Unfortunately, June never got past these statements to see what they would say or think."

It is a similar story that we hear continually. "They don't know I have an Anxiety Disorder. What if I have a panic attack there? I don't want to go."

Some people genuinely do not like their relatives and this "special day" is the day they have to spend with them. Some people come from traumatic childhoods and feel the pressure of societies' expectation that we all "play happy families". Whatever the reason, the fact that Christmas is the day that we come together with a sense of love and giving and joy can run contrary to what we really feel (down in the deepest hidden part of our self) and we use guilt to punish yourself. We "should" be happy, loving, giving, forgiving etc. That is what we tell yourself.

The fact is, most people feel the pressure of Christmas. Having an Anxiety Disorder amplifies our suffering. Find some options for yourself so that Christmas does not take it's toll on your recovery (after all, your recovery is the number one priority). Here are some options you may consider using:

*Christmas is a time of giving, caring and so direct that principal to yourself. Give a gift to yourself in a loving and caring way. Even if it is as simple as picking some beautiful flowers from the garden to place in a special spot so you can see them during the day (a reminder that you are there for yourself), a nice bubble bath, something you have wanted but have denied yourself for so long. Anything that reminds you that you do care about yourself, an act of kindness.

*Set firm boundaries on your time. If you feel you want to have Christmas at home this year, then discuss it with your spouse or significant other and see if you can find a middle ground. This year we stay at home (or go to the beach or somewhere special etc). Next Christmas (when you are recovered) you can look at going to the relatives.

*If you simply "have to" go to the relatives, then set a limit on the time you will be there. Once again, discuss with your spouse your feelings about this and set a time limit. We will go for 2-hours (quite a decent time) or whatever time you agree on and then leave. This gives you a specific time you can work with your skills. It will come to an end at 2-hours. It is not a full day or an endless time that drags on. Make sure your spouse does comply with this. At ten minutes before the time period is up, signal your spouse it is time to go. And go. Don't buy into any guilt or coercion to stay longer. "No, no.. we simply must go. We have a full day and need to leave now."

*Christmas can be very noisy and overwhelming with many people all shouting for attention. Take time to have some quiet time. Just leave the room as if you are going to the toilet or garden and take some time in quiet to centre yourself. Dedicate time to just you, being aware you are important enough to give your own attention to yourself. It is a gesture of saying "I care about what you are feeling. I am here for you." It can make all the difference.

*Do a morning meditation. I know it is hard with children waking up at the crack of dawn, excited and full of energy. Before or after the gift opening, you can take 20-minutes to start the day. This is the best option. Otherwise, do a meditation the night before. And one at the end of the day. Kind of like a deep exhale. Whew.

*The lead up to Christmas is important. We need to look at how much pressure and anxiety we are placing on yourself. Remember, it is just one day in the year.

Our society has lost the whole concept of what Christmas is all about. It is not about everything being perfect, it is not about the quantity and price of gifts (it is not about gifts at all), it is not about the baked Christmas dinner, it is not about expectations and guilt. It is a Christian day of remembrance. A day of celebration. But more importantly, it is a day of showing people how much we really do love them, care about them. A time of sharing.

So if you find yourself getting anxious about the Christmas card mail out, worrying about the price of gifts, anxious about the menu for Christmas dinner and how you HAVE to cook it all, worrying about who you should buy gifts for, then remind yourself what Christmas is about. If you buy a gift for someone, do it from the heart. It is merely symbolic of how you feel about them. If you are worried that they may have bought you a gift that costs more, or worry that they won't like it, let it go. The gift is merely symbolic, you could give a flower picked from the garden and that would be perfect if it was given with the feeling of love.

*If you are having everyone come to your house for Christmas, make sure you make it easier on yourself. Share the household chores with your immediate family (children are excellent gardeners and cleaners). Remember, it doesn't have to be perfect. Two seconds after people arrive, the house will be a mess anyway. Planning a barbecue or smorgasbord is good for having company (remember, food is not the point of Christmas). You can ask each of the guests to bring a plate (meat platter, salad, roast veges, desserts etc). That lessens the pressure on food preparation. Always take time out to replenish your energy, take many breaks (preferably in solitude ... I am a big fan of solitude to help replenish energy).

*Number one rule for enjoying Christmas is setting boundaries. It is a day for you, as much as it is for everyone else. If you remember to be there for yourself BEFORE everyone else, you will probably enjoy the day more. When you know that someone (that's you) is there looking after you, you can relax a lot more into the day. Always respond to prompts from yourself; eg., when a part of you is screaming to get out of the room for a few moments, when a part of you a begging for someone to help them.

With these options and more importantly, options you make up for yourself ... you will survive Christmas. Next year, you will be recovered, so you might be away on a cruise or on a tropical island and all of this will be a distant memory!

If you need information or help with your panic anxiety disorders, contact us:

Panic Anxiety Education and Management Service
P.O. Box 258 Fullarton,
SOUTH AUSTRALIA 5063
Telephone/ Fax: 61 8 8339 4998

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