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STEP 8: Handle Your Worries
Stopping the Negative Observer
I have adapted this technique from a procedure, called thought-stopping,
that the field of behavioral psychology has applied for over twenty
years. Use it when you want to quickly stop intruding thoughts.
This is how it goes.
To break such a pattern, first you must begin to notice the moments
when you are focusing on Negative Observer (See Don't
Panic, chapter 14) comments. Often we are not aware that our
minds are rushing through negative thoughts. As you begin to pay
attention to such thoughts you will start to notice these moments
more frequently.
The most straightforward way to stop your doubts and worries is
to do it as quickly and powerfully as possible, before they get
your mind caught up in them. Once those worries strike -- when you
become aware of repetitive, unproductive, negative thoughts -- mentally
step back and observe them. Are your worries a signal of something
you should pay attention to right now? Or are they just more noise
in your day?
Ask yourself, "Are these thoughts helpful to me right now?"
This is a great question; it will help you in a powerful way by
confronting your automatic, negative thinking. Please don't ignore
it! Simply by asking the question, you have momentarily disrupted
your negative thinking, which is a good move. This is your Supportive
Observer in action: it notices what you are thinking and decides
if those thoughts are supporting you.
If the thoughts are not helpful -- if they are noise -- then consciously
decide that you want to stop the racket. These thoughts are powerful
and will draw you to them. They are drama, and your brain seeks
out drama. Let your Supportive Observer reinforce your decision
with statements such as, "I'm in control of my thoughts. I
don't need to be run by these ideas. It's OK to stop focusing on
this."
You must make a firm decision of "not now." One way is
to yell, "STOP!" inside your mind. I know that sounds
like a silly thing to do. But you yell "stop" as a way
to disrupt the drama of your worries. You fight fire with fire.
It derails your current thought process and permits you to begin
a new one.
If you need a little more stimulus to draw your attention, then
wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you yell "STOP,"
snap that rubber band at the same time. "Ouch!" Exactly!
Now what are you paying attention to? That stinging wrist. For a
split second you have left your worries and shifted to some other
experience. You have created a space for a new focus of your attention.
Take advantage of that moment! Fill that space by practicing Calming
Counts. (Remember that breathing technique of one deep breath
and ten gentle breaths?) This will be the most effective part of
your intervention, because Calming Counts will accomplish two important
goals. First, it will disrupt your typical pattern of worry. Instead
of continuing to worry, you have to stop and think about how to
do this highly specific breathing technique. You have to exhale
all the way, take a deep breath, exhale again as slowly as possible,
loosen and relax your face. Then you have to follow the next ten
exhalations, counting each one, but counting backward, and seeing
that number in your mind. Boy, that's busy work! And that's exactly
what we are looking for: something to keep your mind so busy that
it doesn't drift back to your worries. Calming Counts takes about
a minute and a half. That's a wedge of ninety seconds between you
and your noisy worries.
Second, you will be busy performing a technique that actually calms
down your body. Calming Counts can help reverse any anxiety that
starts to build in response to your worried thoughts. As you get
physically calmer and as time passes, you will gain perspective
on your worries and have a much easier time resisting them.
STOPPING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS
- Listen for your worried, self-critical, or hopeless thoughts.
- Decide that you want to stop them. ("Are these thoughts
helping me?")
- Reinforce your decision through supportive comments ("I
can let go of these thoughts.")
- Mentally yell "stop!" (Snap rubber band on wrist.)
- Begin Calming Counts.
Even if your negative thoughts return a minute later, you have
briefly disrupted them. This is a method of bringing your Observer
to the foreground during a time of trouble. Several minutes later
you may want to disrupt those negative thoughts again with a second
set of Calming Counts. Slowly, you will begin to "step back"
and see your worries from a new perspective. You will become less
preoccupied, and your tension level will have a chance to decrease.
This technique is adaptable to many public situations. For instance,
you can begin Calming Counts while waiting to give a speech. Instead
of dwelling on negative thoughts such as, "Everyone will notice
that my hands are shaking" or "I know I'm going to make
a fool of myself," you can preoccupy your mind by keeping track
of your counts.
This same negative thinking process takes place when we anticipate
facing our fears. For example, imagine you plan to attend your neighbor's
party tonight. You usually avoid such parties because you become
nervous in groups. But this week you decide you will fight your
fears by attending this gathering of friends. It is now 11:30 A.M.
You notice that you have spent the last thirty minutes repeating
useless Worried Observer comments silently in your mind: "I
can't do this. I'll never last. What if I get trapped there? I don't
want to get trapped. I can't go. I just can't handle it. I'll never
last." At this moment your Observer (the part of your mind
that just registers information) breaks in, followed by helpful
comments from your Supportive Observer.
OBSERVER: "I keep repeating the same thoughts in my head about
tonight. I'm scared. I've decided to go, but I keep thinking about
how to avoid it."
SUPPORTIVE OBSERVER: "These thoughts are only making me more
scared. They aren't helpful. I need to stop them."
ACTION: Mentally yells "stop!" Sits down for a minute
and does ten Calming Counts.
OBSERVER: "Now that I am quieter, I notice how tense my stomach
is. I'm still scared."
SUPPORTIVE OBSERVER: "Probably I'll be a little anxious all
day. It's OK to be somewhat tense since I'm taking on a challenge
tonight. I need to pace my day and keep myself fairly busy until
it's time to get ready. That's a good way to take care of myself.
I also want some support tonight so I don't feel like I'm going
through this alone."
ACTION: Makes a list of a few worthwhile projects for the day that
require some concentration. Shares concerns with a supportive person
who will be attending the party. Monitors stomach tensions periodically
through the day, using the Calming Breath to relax the stomach muscles
when needed.
Notice what happened at the beginning of this example. I described
the Observer as "breaking in" during your negative, obsessive
thinking. This is probably something that already takes place within
you now. You will become entangled in some negative thinking, then
all of a sudden, some part of your mind will "step back"
and comment on what you are doing. This is the moment you want to
seize; this moment is the opportunity for change.
Begin to listen to your Observer rising up. When you notice it,
keep it! Let yourself gather the facts of the moment objectively,
then shift to some suggestion or plan that will take care of you
and at the same time support your positive goals. If you begin criticizing
yourself or making comments of hopelessness, simply notice them
and then let them go ("Thinking that thought isn't helpful
to me right now.")
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