Cybersex and Infidelity Online:
Implications for Evaluation and Treatment

by Kimberly S. Young, James O'Mara, and Jennifer Buchanan

Abstract

Prior research has examined how marital relationships can result in separation and divorce due to Internet addiction. This paper examines how the ability to form romantic and sexual relationships over the Internet that can result in marital separation and possible divorce. The ACE Model (Anonymity, Convenience, Escape) of Cybersexual Addiction provides a workable framework to help explain the underlying cyber-cultural issues increasing the risk of virtual adultery. Finally, the paper outlines specific interventions that focus on strategies for rebuilding trust after a cyberaffair, ways to improve marital communication, and finally how to educate couples on ways to continue commitment.

Introduction

Recent research has explored the existence and extent of pathological Internet use (Brenner, 1997; Griffiths, 1996 & 1997; Morahan-Martin, 1997; Scherer, 1997; Young, 1997a, 1997b, 1998a, 1998b, 1999) which has resulted in significant social, academic, and occupational impairment. In particular, aspects of this research (Griffiths, 1997; Young, 1998a, 1998b, 1999a) and prior research on computer addiction (Shotton, 1991) has observed that computer and/or Internet dependent users gradually spent less time with real people in their lives in exchange for solitary time in front of a computer. Young (1998a) found that serious relationship problems were reported by fifty-three percent of the 396 case studies of Internet addicts interviewed, with marriages and intimate dating relationships most disrupted due to cyberaffairs and online sexual compulsivity.

Cyberaffairs are generally defined as any romantic or sexual relationship initiated via online communication, predominantly electronic conversations that occur in virtual communities such as chat rooms, interactive games, or newsgroups (Young, 1999a). A Cyberaffair can either be a continuous relationship specific to one online user or a series of random erotic chat room encounters with multiple online users. Virtual adultery can look like Internet addiction as the increasing amounts of time utilizing the computer. Meanwhile, the person is addicted to the can online lover only to display compulsive behavior towards the utilization of the Internet as a means to meet and chat with a new found love.

Infidelity online has accounted for a growing trend in divorce cases according to the President of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (Quittner, 1997). However, the nature and scope of marital dissolution caused by such virtual infidelity has been greatly underestimated due to the Internet’s current popularity as an technological advancement (Young, 1997a). Furthermore, healthcare professionals, especially marital and family therapist who are most like to deal with such couples, are often unfamiliar with the dynamics associated with relatively new concept of cyberaffairs and the electronic process of virtual-based "cheating". Therefore, this paper utilizes Young’s ACE Model of Cybersexual Addiction (1999b) to understand the underlying motivation of infidelity online and outlines specific treatment strategies in working with such couples.

Potential Explanations of Infidelity Online

It is hard to image that a husband who would never walk into an adult bookstore could download online pornography or a wife who would never pick up the telephone to dial a 900-number could engage erotic chat or phone sex with men she met online. It is equally difficult to understand how stable marriages of 15, 20, or 25 years end because of a three or four-month old cyberaffair. Yet, these are typical scenarios plaguing many couples today.

In order to understand the increased incidence of infidelity online, this paper applies the ACE Model of Cybersexual Addiction to explain how cyberspace creates a cultural climate of permissiveness that actually serves to encourage and validate sexually adulterous and promiscuous online behavior (Young, 1999b). The ACE Model examines three variables, anonymity, convenience, and escape that lead to virtual adultery.

First, the anonymity of electronic transactions allows users to secretly engage in erotic chats without the fear of being caught by a spouse. Anonymity provides the user with a greater sense of perceived control over the content, tone, and nature of the online experience. Online experiences often occur in the privacy of one’s home, office, or bedroom, facilitating the perception of anonymity and that Internet use is personal and untraceable. Cyberaffairs are initiated via online communication (Young, 1999a) and typically begin in chat room setting allowing users to talk in real-time by typing messages to each other through "screen names" or "handles." Messages can either appear in the public forum for the entire room to read or an "instant message" can be sent privately to a single member of the room. The anonymity associated with electronic communication allows users to feel more open and frank in talking with other users. Anonymity also allows an online user to feel comfortable without needing to look for signs of insincerity or judgment in their facial expression, as would be true in real life. The privacy of cyberspace enables a person to share intimate feelings often reserved for a significant other that may open the door to a potential cyberaffair. Soon typed messages passing along the computer screen carry with them emotional significance that often precedes more erotic dialogue between online friends, which may blossom into virtual adultery.

Second, the convenience of interactive online applications such as ICQ, chat rooms, newsgroups, or role-playing games provides a convenient vehicle to meet others and their proliferation makes for easy access for a curious person’s initial exploration. What starts off as a simple email exchange or an innocent chat room encounter can quickly escalate into an intense and passionate cyberaffair that leads to secret phone calls and sexy real-life meetings. Or a curious husband or wife may secretly step into one of many rooms designed for martial infidelity with titles such as the MarriedM4Affair, Cheating Wife, or Lonely Husband, only to be shocked at the permissiveness of others engaged in virtual adultery. A husband who lives in New York considers it harmless to flirt with a woman who lives in Australia. A wife rationalizes that having cybersex isn’t really cheating because of the lack of physical contact. Soon, a once loving husband suddenly becomes evasive and demands his privacy when online or a once warm and compassionate wife and mother turns towards the computer instead of caring for her children. In the end, a harmless cyber-romp spells trouble as a spouse may leave a once long term and stable marriage because of someone they just met over the Internet.

Many people falsely assume that the primary reinforcement to engage in adultery is the sexual gratification received from the online sexual act. Studies have shown the experience itself is reinforced through a type of drug "high" that provides an emotional or mental escape and serves to reinforce the behavior leading to compulsivity (Young, 1997, 1998a, 1998b). A lonely wife in an empty marriage can escape into a chat room where she is desired by her many cyber-partners. A sexually insecure husband can transform into a hot cyberlover that all the women in the chat room fight over. While sexual fulfillment may provide the initial reinforcement, the more potent reinforcement is the ability to cultivate a subjective fantasy world whereby the online can escape the stresses and strains of real life. The courts have already argued the role of online compulsivity as a mental disorder in the defense of online sexual deviancy cases. For example, one landmark case, the United States versus McBroom, successfully demonstrated that the client’s downloading, viewing, and transferring of Internet pornography was less about erotic gratification and more about an emotional escape mechanism to relieve mental tension.

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