“Oh no! I must have done something
wrong and now I'm really in trouble. I wonder if I said something wrong in our
staff meeting today? Did I send all those letters he told me were important? I
thought I got them all typed and mailed. What could it be? Why does he want me
to be sure and stop in at the office tomorrow? There was something in his
voice. Now wait a minute! All the other times I thought there was something I’d
done wrong, it ended up being nothing. Maybe this time it will be the same.
But what if...?”
Well, I did go to his office, which ended
up in my being treated to lunch. This time my boss knew I was going to
be facing a difficult time and just wanted to let me know he was there
for me.
Does this sound familiar? I ran across a list of
distorted thinking patterns, some of which are drawn from the fields of
cognitive/behavioral therapy, and found I have been through all of them to some
degree. I have revised the list and included ways I've tried to change that you
may find helpful. Don’t be discouraged if you see yourself in many of these
patterns. Instead, use this information as a tool to help isolate problems in
your own thinking, and work on changing one at a time. It may be helpful to
process these with a professional therapist. I personally believe that
recognizing these thinking patterns and changing them is vital to our emotional
recovery. How many do you relate to?
The Blame Game:
“The Devil made me do it!” Others are responsible for how you feel and act;
or, my own pitfall, I take responsibility for how others feel and act. Both are
damaging to relationships and emotional health. The way to beat it: Take
responsibility for your own feelings and actions and hold others responsible for
theirs.
Black or White—All or Nothing:
One mistake and you feel like a total failure; you trust someone completely or
not at all; you are either all bad or all good. To change this type of thinking:
Discover there is a big, new gray world out there. You and I are a mixture of
good and bad, and more in-between the two. It’s okay to be good at some things
and not-so-good at others. We can learn to trust in degrees, a little at a time,
until trust is earned. We can explore other options in any given situation, not
just either/or.
Overgeneralization:
“All men are abusers.” To combat this type of thinking: Explore where the
generalization comes from and think to yourself, “Just because all the men I
grew up with abused me doesn’t mean all men are abusers.” Give yourselves
truthful messages about it.
Mind Reading:
“He should have known I was upset.” You pass someone in the store and she
doesn’t acknowledge your presence. You think to yourself, “She is mad at me
about something,” and drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what you did
that caused her to be mad at you. (One time someone thought this about me. The
truth was, I didn't even see her there.) Changing this may sound simple, but it
takes continuous, conscious effort. Say what you mean, and mean what you say;
say it, don't just think it and expect someone to know. Take what others say at
face value. Don't try to read between the lines or read into what was said
something that may not have been there at all. If you question something someone
says or does, ask them straight out and believe what they say in return. Also,
learn to give the benefit of the doubt.
Filtered Thinking:
Your boss compliments the way you handled a customer, then hands you the letter
with the minor mistake. When you leave, your thoughts are consumed with the
mistake and you're sure he's mad at you. You don't even remember the compliment
he gave, let alone those in the past. You berate yourself for being too slow,
not proofreading well enough, and you feel like a complete failure. To change
this thinking: Make a conscious decision to commit the positive messages to
memory. (I have to write them down.) When you find yourself feeling negative
about a situation, go over the actual words spoken—all of them—and take them
at face value without interpretations.
Catastrophizing: The “What if?” Game:
“What if my husband gets in a car accident today? He did look at me
differently and came back to give me another kiss before he left.” I've done
this. I also read recently about the poisonous recluse spider. I was sure I had
read the article because I was going to get bit like the others in the story and
would need to know to tell the doctor. To change this: Realize there is nothing
you can do about what will happen in the future. Enjoy today and don't try to
second guess what tomorrow will bring. You can also think of all the times you
were sure disaster was coming and it didn't. (I haven't yet been bitten.)
Personalization:
“She is sure angry. I must have done or said something wrong.” What others
say and do is a reaction to me. To change: Ask the person outright, or think of
other options, “She sure is angry. She may have had a fight with her
rebellious teenager, or perhaps she just got out of bed on the wrong side.”
You can even get to the place where you can just be comfortable with another’s
feelings and tell yourself if it has something to do with you, it is that
person's responsibility to tell you. You don't have to second guess them.
Control or Be Controlled:
You may feel externally controlled—see yourself as a helpless victim of fate
or of another person; or you may feel you are personally responsible for the
pain and happiness of everyone around you. To combat these beliefs: Realize you
don't have to let others control you. You can make choices for your life. You
are not helpless, even though you may feel as if you are. This works in the
other direction as well. You don't make someone else happy or unhappy. You don't
have that kind of power. Others are responsible for their own lives, their own
happiness, and their own pain. They can, and need to, make the same choices you
do.
The “I Shoulds” and “You Shoulds:
“I really should be done with this abuse recovery by now!” You believe
there is an ironclad list of rules about how you and other people should act or
feel. To stop the “shoulds” in your life: First, look carefully at the word
“should” whenever you find yourself thinking or saying it. Try to reflect
back on where it came from. Most “shoulds” have nothing to do with right or
wrong. Consciously replace the word “should” with something like, “I want
to do this because it is the right thing for me to do,” or “I wish you would
send me flowers once in a while, because when you do, I feel special to you and
it lets me know you're thinking of me.”
Emotional Reasoning:
You believe what you feel must be real. If you feel stupid and boring,
then you must be stupid and boring. To change: We really feel what we feel,
but that does not mean the messages that may be causing the feelings are
true or accurate. Remember that feelings are not always based on facts
and do not in themselves constitute fact. Without discounting feelings,
try to take a look at them and see where they might be coming from.
Being Right:
You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are
correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate
your rightness. How to recover: Realize no one can be right all the time. Try to
discover why it is so important to always be right. What would it mean to be
wrong—and to admit you are wrong. It doesn't really matter that much who is
right. It is usually not a life or death situation. No one is going to hold it
against you for being wrong. Its also okay to have differences of opinions. If
we all felt and thought the same way, it would be a very boring world. Embrace
differences. Let yourself be challenged by them. Be flexible in your opinions.
Facing differences openly will allow you to solidify what you believe, help you
to change erroneous thinking, or bring an awareness that on many issues what you
believe is not necessarily the most important thing.
The Sacrifice/Reward Game:
“I spent all those long, hard hours that I could have spent doing something
else and no one even acknowledged it. I didn't even get a ‘thank you’.”
You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay off, as if there were
someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward doesn't come. In the
future: Check out your expectations and your motives for service before taking
on any task. Ask yourself if this is a reasonable expectation and a healthy
motive. If you have expectations, be up front with them. Don't expect others to
know what you want or need. You may find that you have been involving yourself
in situations where you were not wanted or needed, but you took it on yourself
to be involved. This can lead to resentment on both sides.
“That's Not Fair!”:
“Its not fair that I have to do all the work in this relationship. I have to
spend all this emotional energy, money, and time working on my issues, and my
abusers are going on as if nothing ever happened. They're getting off scott-free.”
You feel resentful because you think you know what's fair, but other people
won't agree with you. What to do? Realize that no one said life would be fair.
You can only work on yourself, try to be fair to others, and know that you will
reap the benefits of the right choices made.
Sometimes seeing the humorous side of my behavior
helps me face my dysfunctional ways of coping and relating. If I don't
take myself so seriously, I don't get so consumed with guilt and shame,
making it easier to deal with and work on changing those patterns. Perhaps
it can help you, too.
