How to Improve Your Sex Life--
a Question of Manhood

Sex is an interesting subject isn’t it. It sells things, its fun, you can sell it and still own it, and it is a very profitable commodity. A lot can be said about sex, and a lot is being said every day of the week in magazines and papers. If you go to any magazine rack in your supermarket, you’ll find dozens of headlines, promoting how to have a better sex life like, ‘six steps to explosive orgasms.’

But is the traditional media telling us the truth about sex?

Do you know that sexual abuse is the major cause for crime in our society at the moment? Do you know why one child is picked out as a target by a pedophile over another? Did you ever read that pre-marital sex with your current partner will increase the chance of that partner cheating on you by one thousand times?

Do you know how you can save your child from the tragedy of sexual abuse? Have you ever read an article that said that our government, our media, and our medical establishments have no real interest in stopping sexual abuse and, how they would suffer financially if it was eradicated?

It’s not the responsibility of the media to report truth. Its not their fault that you are not informed. It doesn’t effect them if you are left in the dark. They just dish up what sells. And sex sells!

How You Can Improve Your Sex Life

It’s simple really. Just improve how you think about yourself. You may have to research how too. I’ll help you with that part. And then comes the work of acting on the information. In a nutshell:

You have to come to love yourself and be comfortable being the man you are.

That may take change. But it’s worth it. I changed, and I healed myself and now I have a wonderful attitude and sex life. I am engaged. I don’t masturbate. And while I wait to be married, I am happily driven my purpose, not a lack of self love... But to understand how well I have done, you need to know where I came from.

Here is a Little About My Truth

Let me be frank for a moment. What has my manhood got to do with my sex life? Well everything. I used to sleep with prostitutes whenever I was between girlfriends. And when I didn’t have a girlfriend or the money for a prostitute, I used to sleep with men. I was what you call a Bi-sexual and what’s more disgusting then that; I was enjoying myself.

And oh boy was I lost soul.

I used to sleep with men. I used to share my bed with prostitutes. I used to take drugs (pharmaceuticals for a mental condition…manic depressive). And I used to abuse myself with drugs (the non legal type). I had a girlfriend who was a prostitute. I *smile* here as the irony hits me. Yes I’d solved the money problem, I wasn’t paying her. My favorite place of fellowship was a strip tease club. My favorite drink scotch and coke. I pretty well did everything a decent lad shouldn’t do.

And even worse then that, I was a born again Christian. Some would say I was a backslider. Some would say Jesus could have helped me a lot faster. And he did. It just took me a lot of time to accept his answers. And I don’t feel guilty admitting this to you. In fact, I am the only born again Christian my friends, the strippers, junkies and prostitutes feel comfortable talking too.

Enough? Maybe not. I still loved a threesome. But not the type that is the number one fantasy of males. I liked to sleep with a guy and a girl at the same time. And yes, men really turned me on.

My Manhood and My Sexuality…What Happened?

When I was a young teenager I was sexually molested. I was shown love and attention from an older man. Part of this attention came in the form of oral sex initially, which I found extremely enjoyable. Then the love became sodomy which hurt a lot more.

This molestation wasn’t my problem though. And the abuser isn’t to blame. The reason I was selected was that I was vulnerable. I lacked the love of my own father and brothers. I simply didn’t feel they loved me. And this deficiency in my manhood, was an invitation to my abuser to fill the void.

I felt guilty. Yes, when it happened I was disgusted with myself. I felt so guilty and so ashamed of what I let this man do. I wasn’t defenseless. I didn’t have the right to say he forced himself upon me. Because I let him touch me. Sure, I was surprised he touched me and even a little afraid. But I let it happen. I accepted the perversions of men for a long time as love. It wasn’t love, it was sick. But until I forgave him, and forgave every man who had ever abused me, I was stuck with this sort of love. I forgave them. I learned about why they were abusing me and healed my wounds. Now I am free. And now I’m promising you that you can be free too.

The Number One Reason Little Boys are Sexually Molested

I didn’t feel loved by my father. There wasn’t any real connection. Sure, he loved me and provided for me in every way he could. He was always around after work and we spent considerable time together. But my problem with my father went way back. Back to a time when my father was never around. Back to when I was a little boy and I was in bed when he left home, and in bed when he came home. But that’s another story in itself.

The reason boys are molested is because of a breakdown in a relationship between the boy and the father. This can happen through divorce, a serious fight, or through alcoholic fathers. There are a myriad of ways for a relationship to breakdown between a boy and his daddy. But when it does, the boy becomes a target for the pedophile.

I Found My Sexuality by Forgiving My Dad

When I read that it’s the breakdown of a relationship between a father and son, that has a major influence on sexuality, I knew I had to fix myself up. I read books and learned a process of healing called ‘healing of the memories.’ Simply put, I forgave every bad experience between me and my father that I could recollect and made the first step in the restoration of our relationship.

My father hasn’t grown much. He hasn’t learned much about my struggles. And he still can’t see how he treated me in the past, and how he treats me now has a bearing on my sexuality, but that’s cool. Because the onus wasn’t on him to heal me. And I didn’t need him to forgive me, or himself. He didn’t need to understand. I simply needed to understand him, forgive him and heal my own life. And the good news is- I did!

Do You Need Help With Your Sexuality?

You can be healed, too. Personally, I don't think I could have done this without Jesus. He helped restore my manhood.

Another very useful resource is a book called Manhood. I used this book in my recovery and healing process. Its all about understanding yourself as a man. It will bring you to tears and show you how your fathers relationship and what he did with you, whether that is good or bad, helped develop your view on things. If you can understand that he was only doing the best he can, and restore your relationship with him, it will help you tremendously can’t recommend it highly enough. If you have a wife or girlfriend that you want to understand you more, give her a copy of this book. You can read more about that book here.

You can check out a very well documented site called manweb. It has a host of articles and helpful information that will take you hours to read. I strongly recommend it.

And if you want to ask me a question or contact me for any reason do so by email or simply visit my site. While you are there download my novel: The Fallen Ones. Post a comment in my guest book, or simply have a look at what David my ex-gay character has to say about his sexuality.

Have a great day,

Matthew Robert Payne

next | back to top | table of contents

annie's corner | survivors-female | survivors-male | parents corner
partners-friends