 Break Free from
Domestic Abuse
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Domestic Abuse / Domestic Violence Stories
I wanted to share my domestic abuse
story in the hopes that even ONE PERSON benefits by what I experienced. The
emotional and mental abuse survivor stories below are there to help you think
about your present situation; to let you know you are not alone and to help
everyone recognize the different faces of domestic violence. There are also
tips from people on how they got out of their domestic abuse situation.
I think it's important that we all speak up. Hopefully this site will help
SOMEONE out of a similiar situation.
Share
your situation or breaking free story or survival tips.
| Name - Nickname - Email Address |
Domestic Abuse, Domestic Violence Stories
| Tommie - spiritdove3tlc@earthlink.net | | Comments - Ray and I have been married for 24 years. Things have been bad between us for awhile. It always feels like and push and pull contest. Ray threatened to Baker Act me and in a state of fear and anxiety, I did it to myself. I was afraid, suspicious and angry. I have had to drop out of school three times. I put Ray through college. He went to Amsterdam on vacation after he had filled out a statement to the police department and had me arrested for domestic violence. The argument was about Ray coming home late. He showed up after drinking a glass of wine in the parking lot at Walmart. An argument ensued. I believe in honesty and solving problems in the privacy of your own home. I believe in marriage and that God sees all things. Ray filled out a statment to keep from going to jail. He sold his wife, friend and lover down the river. I am now on probation. Ray will not admit that he is a verbal, mental, and emotional abuser. He uses money as control. I have let myself become financially dependent on Ray. We used to be friends. Now, it's like I have to be careful about everything I say and do. I don't want to leave. Ray will not change. It's like a spiritual battle. We both want to be ourselves. He won't go to lunch with me. I am not allowed to visit him at work. He gives me no information about his finances. He's moved his checking account. He will not reimburse me for money that I spent to get the house fixed up for refinance and yet he wants his money. He pays the morgage and the utilities and thinks that this gives him the right to be verbally abusive. I have often wanted to call Dr. Phil and have them videotape our conversations. Ray does not think that he ever does anything wrong. It is hard for me to work and concentrate at school. I am intelligent and attractive. I wish I knew how to turn us around once and for all. It is hard to live with the possibility of going to jail because you are not allowed to argue or defend your position and right to be respected. I want to be financially independent and am seeking full time employment in a non-commissioned job. I pray continuously. We have good days. I enjoy those. Pray for us. |
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| Anne - spudeyes@hotmail.com | | Comments - First off, I don't know if I am being abused, but I know that I feel very used! Ab- used (not used right?). There is no affection in my marriage, no help around the house ever, my kids can't stand my husband, their stepdad because they see things he does that make them think that he isn't nice to me. He harasses the animals we have and even complimented his son for doing the same thing. The cats run away from him literally. He leaves to go play golf if I can't think of anything "fun" to do. He buys things for himself with money but criticizes me if I buy something for the family. He accuses me of always wanting to leave him and has threatened divorce. He backed me into a corner with accusations and lies and I lashed out and hit him. I admit to my anger and have made great strides in controlling it. I believe that the many things my husband does or doesn't do has contributed to my anger problem, but he says that it is all my fault. He wants me to speak my mind but when I do he criticizes me. I have quit talking about anything important to me. He tries to control conversations and usually turns the conversation into an argument or finds something to accuse me of. I often cannot think and have to leave when he starts talking because the subject always changes into something I don't want to talk about. He often forces me to talk and gets mad if I walk away. Sex? At least he doesn't force that but claims that his impotency problems are my fault. Am I being abused or am I just a whiner? I cry at least once a day. I abuse myself rather than lash out anymore. His first wife left him because she claimed that he was abusive. I was her friend but didn't believe her. Now I am more apt to believe her than him. We have been married almost a year and I have been subjected to pain I never thought existed. I have no self esteem any more. It is around somewhere, because I had a lot when I was a single mom and somewhat successful as a day care provider. Now he says he doesn't trust me with his son. Hmmmm.... Any comments? |
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| karin - krllly@aol.com | | Comments - my story is unbelievible well to me it is.I met my partner three years ago i was a friend of his former wife who died before we got together he was loveley and charming until the day i moved in with him he pushed me in to doing that,i can't have a phone in the bedroom he dosen't like me walking down a certain path in case i see my ex if i go out during the day he has followed me accused me of seeing other people or my ex i have been out twice with my friends in three years the last time at christmas was awful he took an overdose two weeks later he gets so mad at me he bangs his head on the walls at weekend he kicked the kitchen cupboard in because my friend brought me a kitten that was being abandoned and i kept it he went crazy because he hadn't given his permission also he dosen't like my friend coming round, once i was walking down the road and he drove onto the pavement at me i was terrified, if i go out he has to run me wherever i want to go and pick me up, he once said if i left he would strangle me he is going for counciling but i dont think it will help do you, i went to womens aid and they were great but i stopped going i feel like i let them down and don't like going back i thought he was getting better,we are having to move house soon because he dosen't lke it here its to close to people i know i am dreading it i know something will happen soon i hope next time i have the guts to get out i just don't feel me anymore.is always saying he wants to die sometimes i wish he would,he erased numbers off my mobile that i get accused of allsorts if i take it out i am forty years old with three children the youngest his i try i really do he expects me to love him i feel dead inside i don't even cry anymore |
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| sabin - sabmaz24@yahoo.com | | Comments - so about my marriage
my mother-in-law wanted me to call her everyday to tell her what i had done all day.If i did not she got upset at my family.
She did not approve of my wedding arrangements ,did not approve of my relatives, did not like the fact that i was very interested in my family and relatives.
On the 21st of may,2002, she told my sister to find a new friend to replace me because i am married to her son now and no longer in need of my sister.My sister is no longer my family.My husband and his mother told me how my family take advantage of me and how they have wasted my life.I am not a nice person because of my family.I should only talk to professionals.When i complained i was told i was an ungrateful bitch.My husband told me that he bought me from the ghettos to live in a big milloin dollar home.Yet all i did was complain.I did not deserve the food i ate ,the clothes i wore.I did not deserve what he gave me.Nobody would want to marry me i was lucky he married me.
things he said to me:
I have a very big vagina big for 3 penises at one time so the next guy will throw me out next morning
Since i can not give him sex as he wants my family should replace me with my younger sister.It is my family's duty to exchange my sister instead of me since i can not satisfy him
HE always wanted a thresome me and his Dutch girlfriend and him
I would be instantly terminated if i am pregnant with a baby girl.But if i am pregnant with a boy i can stay.I will be officially accepted as his wife by his family.
i was constatly put down by his mother because i did not come up to her standards of the perfect daughter-in-law: i did not get up early enough to clean the house, to give her a hot oil massage .
I cleaned and mopped the kitchen,the bathrooms, the bedrooms and the office .Everything was spotless but it was not good enough for his mother.
I ironed the family's clothes did their laundry,washed their dirty dishes.I could not eat until he was satisfied with his food.If he did not like it he made me eat it and told his family not to touch my food
He cursed my family, me ,said we had no integrity, no dignity .I made one mistake of talking to his friend's wife and asking her for advise on my problems.I was punished for that.I needed to be disciplined according to him.I was under constant surveillance and everything i did was monitored.
I was forced to shovel and clean the driveway and the deck in the severe winter steorm of february even though i had a bad flue.My husband cursed me for being a lazy bitch and for making it an excuse for not wanting to work.I suffered the flue for 3 weeks after that.I was not allowed rest and medications.He did not allow me to sleep on the same room with him while i was sick.
Outside the library he punched me and pushed me against the wall because he thought i was chatting with some guy in the library.He cursed my family and threatenned to terminate me.People saw this and just walked by.Nobody came to my help.
He went to party with his family leaving me alone in the house.
I was not allowed to attend their private parties because i was nt sophisticated enough.
'What is your net worth?' he always asked me.H e said things will improve if i start practising as a physician or i give him a boy.
I really wanted a baby i thought a baby will save the MArriage.He told me i was illegal so i could not work or apply for a job.He said i needed to give his family 5 years for them to trust me.
He said the FBI was looking for me and the only way safe for me was to live with him.He said if my parents even came close to his house he will have them arrested.
I was his personal property ,my parents did not own me.
He said he had life insurance on me if i left him he gets $250.000 but if he dies his life insurance money goes to the family trust .I dont get any share of that.He made me sign a postnuptial according t which i cannot recieve any form of spousal benefit.He said he woll make me sign a paper which will give him full parental custody of a child when i am pregnant.
I lived with him for 9 months i still did not have the house keys.My name was not even on the house or the car.I could not even get a driver's licence.I was not allowed to learn driving because i did not need to go out.
I was not given any money.Whatever i wanted i had to tell his mother or my husband to buy for me.
I was not allowed to eat cake, chocolate, nuts, and certain fruit
i could not sleep until he wanted me to sleep be it 1 am or 4 am.sometimes he wanted to do some home projects so i was supposed to work with him like cleaning his tools, arranging and putting things together till 4 am in the morning.I could not sleep because we were the home team.Once i slept at 10 pm while he was still working on his prOPERTY.He woke me up from sleep and accused me of taking drugs and told me to leave his house.
He threatened to leave me ,he threatened to kill me. he threatened to expose me, he threatened to deport me.
He said i only wasted his time .The minute he has evidence against me i will be instantly terminated.His favorite term: instant termination.
He said he has my nude pictures on the internet on a website called 'hotsabin.com'
his mother told me i was a bad example for the younger sons because she wanted them to marry into traditional pakistani families while i was totally opposite of that.Whatever i did was not good enough.I tried hard ,very hard but they were always finding faults in me. I could not even sit in the bedroom with the door closed because they thought it was too disrespectful.
I have made many mistakes in this marriage..i should never have gone back to him...i should have left the first time he slapped me...i should have had him arrested..i am so depressed and pray to God to help me with all this.
On march 25, 2003 he told me to leave his house because according to his resources i was on a special contraceptive injection.No mater what i said he did not believe me.I was a lier, a thief, a traitor, an unfaithful bitch.He kicked me on my face...i found out later i was pregnant...i did not know then.Although he did not kick my stomach .But i was unable to save the baby.I had thought of other options but deep down inside i did want the baby.I did not get anything from this marriage.
I know whatever happened for the best ..the baby would have had to face many difficulties in life..
The saddest part of all this is that even after all that happened i still care for my husband.I did not get him arrested because i loved him.I was confused and wanted my marriage to work.But now i have decided not to go back.I am going to recover and not repeat the mistake twice.
Thank you for listening to me
sabin
My advice to others trying to getout of the situation is to document everything he says to you.Try to record on tape the next time he abuses you.Don't think it will get better .The chances of him changing are zero. |
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| jewlie - jewlie@gosympatico.ca | | Comments -
My relationship only lasted 5 months with a man who I believed suffers from bipolar disorder. His mental illness turned my life upside down.
I met him in January 2003. I noticed him in a bar, standing by himself, looking a little awkward and uneasy. I watched him for a while and decided I like the way he looked. He was a good-looking man, nice build and sweet smile. I wondered why he stood there all alone? Buying him that first drink was the beginning of months filled with abuse and violence.
I didn’t see him too much in the first few months after we met. We would spend weekends together. I hated when he had to go. We had so much fun together and I always looked forward to the next time I saw him. He was very affectionate and attentive. It wasn’t until March that I started noticing some unusual mood swings. And not just mood swings where someone is moody or miserable. I was either wonderful or perfect or evil and rotten. There never seemed to be a middle ground with him. I later learned that people who are bipolar are highly intolerant and unable to deal with the gray area in life. He was incredibly needy and emotionally dependant on me, needing constant reassurance, which I just couldn’t give. Maybe because I am an independent person, who likes time alone and doesn’t need other people compliments to keep me strong. I got him to see a doctor about his mood swings, he was diagnosed with depression and prescribed an antidepressant. The physical abuse started shortly after.
The abuse always seemed worse when there was alcohol involved. We were at a bar having some drinks and I had decided to go and talk with a doorman who I used to work with ten years ago. My ex lost his mind. He told me I was being disrespectful and wondered how I could leave him standing there all alone. He slammed his glass into the wall, tearing off the top of his thumb. There was blood everywhere, I was trying to help stop the bleeding but he was yelling at me to get away from him. I calmed him down enough to get him into a cab and headed home. That was one night I should have left on my own. He was screaming and yelling at me in the cab about the horrible crime I had committed by talking to an old friend.
He wondered how I could have disrespected him like that. He spit in my face and wrapped his fingers around my neck. I punched him clear in the face but received the exact same back along my jawbone. The next weekend was less violent; he mostly just tried to intimidate me. He showed his power by breaking my cordless phone, smashing it to the floor and kicked in my car destroying the front console.
After that it only got worse. It was near the end of March and he was very upset that I didn’t want to have sex with him. It was difficult to be affectionate and loving to someone who was constantly verbally abusive. I told him I’d sleep on the couch. That was fine with him – for about ten minutes. I knew he wouldn’t stay in the bedroom because he never really sleeps. He approached me screaming and yelling, swearing and degrading about how I was his girlfriend and he should be allowed to have sex with me anywhere at anytime. He opened one beer after another, spraying each all over my apartment. My walls, cupboards, mirrors and floors were drenched in beer. I tried to run out the door but only got half way up the steps before I felt a hand on my arm. Before I knew it I was being pulled down my cement steps by my hair and pushed back into my apartment. He demanded I sleep in the bed. I didn’t want to, I just wanted to go to sleep. It felt like I hadn’t slept in months already. He broke my keyboard into two pieces just to make sure I understood who was in control. He made me perform oral sex on him as I cried and begged him not to make me do it. I though if I just complied with his wishes, he would let me finally go to sleep. It was already 5am and I was exhausted.
The next two weeks were quiet. We decided to head out to a bar to play pool. I put some money down on the pool table and joined him at the bar for some drinks. I was up next so I got up and put my money in the table. I called for him to join me but he was in a conversation with someone at the bar. I decided to play by myself. I put my drink on a table where sat a black man and a chinese man. I finished my game only to look up and see him standing there, watching me. He walked out of the bar. I followed to see what I’d done to upset him now. He started screaming about how I wanted the black guy and how much he detested them. His kick nearly broke the headlight on my car. I ran and hid for awhile. I could see him pacing the parking lot, getting more agitated by the second. I had to find a way to my car, to get out – but I knew he would make it back to my house and things would be even worse.
So I got in my car and picked him up. He was furious. He kicked in the windshield and passenger side window, kicked in the console of my car breaking the dashboard, ashtray and heater vents. He also stripped my parking break.
He was always irritated and full of anxiety and always thought I was cheating or interested in everyone else but him. He would become angry if he thought I was making eye contact with someone. He was very insecure, constantly looking at himself in mirrors to make sure he looked ok. His need for attention was almost unbearable. He fed this need by flirting with females in bars. Sure he was a good-looking man and his first impressions were impressive. It impressed me. His soft-spoken words and crooked smile drew people to him. It was amazing to me to see the real him. The scared, pathetic, insecure little five-year-old boy who would pester me or pout until he got his way. I work with children with autism and was taught to ignore attention seeking behaviour – When I would ignore his bad behaviour it just seemed to infuriate him more. This behaviour management wasn’t working for me.
He always told me that he wished I didn’t have a past. This way he didn’t have to deal with any of the things I did back then. He was incredibly jealous. His insecurities made him do terrible things. He searched through my drawers, finding pictures and letters from my ex-boyfriend. Always wondering why I kept all the baggage. Baggage? I want my memories. I was forced to tear up every remaining memory of my past relationship. He would check my cell phone to see who had called, wondering if I spoke with any men. He made me delete old friends from my phone believing that I was having affairs with them.
He loved to get high on crack yet hid it from me for the first few months. After having far too much to drink one night, he forced me to drive to my bank to withdraw $40.00 so he could buy crack. I gave him the money hoping he would just get out of my car and I could go home. He threw my keys into a gated lot where I had to crawl under a fence to retrieve them. As I drove away a flying kick almost broke my passenger side window again.
It was usually quiet through the week. It was the weekends where the cycle of violence always increased. This time he broke my camera, tv converter, ripped bed sheets as well as punched me in the neck, chest and ribs, leaving bruises for days. I think my rib has just recently healed.
He threatened on more than one occasion that if I tried to call the police or have anyone help bad things would happan to my family and me. He threatened to stab my cat, pour Lysol in my fish tank, burn me in my apartment and made threats to my ex-boyfriend and close friend. I guess threatening me made him feel powerful. He stole two credit cards and personal cheques, trying to cash $400.00.
It all ended the last weekend in May 2003. After being forcibly confined to my apartment for 2 days, beaten and sexually assaulted, I was finally released to the police. I broke down and cried as I held my swollen head. I couldn’t wash my hair for days because of the pain he had caused in the previous 48 hours. He hadn’t slept in three days and had taken a total of 26 paxils. He stripped me of my clothes and made me sleep in the small space in between the wall and the bed. My head pounding from where he had punched me and pulled my hair. He kept my hair wrapped around his wrist for hours in fear that I would try and leave or call for help. I did try and leave a few times but I was caught and brought back into the apartment. I thought it was in my best interest to just do what he said hoping to end the violence. He urinated on me and made me lay in the bed, now cold and soaking wet. He didn’t care how I felt. I guess he never really did. The final moments of that weekend will be forever embedded in my mind. His hand over my mouth and nose, trying to keep me from screaming. I couldn’t scream, every breath I took was a breath for air. I pulled his fingers away from my mouth, cutting my nose with my fingernail, wanting to scream but gasped for air instead. I felt like I was drowning. The phone rang. It was my landlords upstairs, wanting to know if I was ok, that they had heard screaming. He got scared, took my car keys and left.
I’ve read a lot about sexual assult. I was sure it didn’t happan to me. Sex that isn’t forcible but the person feels afraid and gives in to prevent more harm is Sexual Assult and it is a crime. I know that now.
He ran for 2 weeks before the police found him. Making numerous phone calls every day to me. Taunting me that he had my car, scaring me, making me run from one home to another. 17 charges in all were laid from uttering death threats to sexual assult.
I’ve read articles about severely abusive men. It states they likely had been raised in a violent home, in which his parents hit him as well as each other. I remember him telling me stories from his childhood, all of them made me shudder. It went on to tell that his own aggressive, disobedient behaviour during his youth contributed to the development of an Antisocial Personality Disorder as an adult. He probably had a long history of impulsive behaviour including motor vehicle infractions (he lost his licence for DUI), substance abuse (he abused crack cocaine and alcohol), and impulsive violence. He always worried about other men being interested in me, and, importantly, felt justified in using force to keep me under his control.
His internal chaos with bipolar emotions often gave him the desperate need to control external events, situations and people because his internal world was so out of control. The external control gave him the sense of stability he lacked internally. If he didn’t get his way he would resort to manipulation, episodes of raging or physical threats to get it. This created constant anxiety and fear in my life. He lacked self-soothing skills, unable to calm himself; he looked to me for this. He wanted me to put everything aside and tend to his needs yet became resentful and enraged when our relationship failed to meet his every need. He always felt sad and empty. He told me a few times he didn’t want to get out of bed because the world is so scary. The more I read about bipolar disorder the more I understood what was going on in his mind. I know that abusive relationship expectations usually include demands for constant attention, frequent sex, and a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person, or give up everything else in your life. Because these expectations are based in the chemical/emotional imbalance, no matter how much I gave, it was never enough.
He used to tell me when he didn’t talk to be for a few days, I would disappear. He needed constant reassurance that I was still there and yes I loved him. If I was unavailable or busy he would become enraged triggering deep-seated abandonment.
I read that people who are bipolar unconsciously seek out partners who have difficulty enforcing their boundaries or expressing their anger. I am a very passive person. Always have been. But waiting for the next drastic mood change or sudden emotional outburst kept me on edge, full of anxiety, unsettled and off balance. I started to hate the life I once loved so much.
I believe he would disassociate during episodes of raging. Simple problems or issues were frequently blown out of proportion to crisis status. He was addicted to drama and loved the excitement.
It’s been 2 weeks since his arrest and I am still receiving harassing phone calls. One minute he is telling me how scared he is and how much he loves me and the next call is the threat that when he gets out of jail and my life is happy, he will be there, to ruin it for me.
I think it will be a very long time before I can move on and trust again. I am angry that this man has taken my uncomplicated life and turned it into a total and utter mess. Everything I am, he said I wasn’t. All the good things I did for him weren’t enough. But I am strong and will survive and I know who I am. It’s just sad that it had to come to this when all I really wanted out of this relationship was to get him the help he desperately needs.
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| vicki - crazzygal@hotmail.com | | Comments - My daughter has been married for a year to a verbal abuser. He makes her feel really awful and makes snide comments about her publicly to his family and even to my family. I had a phone conversation/argument with him the other day and he was trying to do the same thing to me. He was using every single vulnerability he thought could bother me and even said I am not a Christian or a good mother! |
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| Lex Lukester - fred151412@juno.com | | Comments - It had been going on for years but I didn't realize it. Plus, I was Catholic and felt strongly against divorce. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, I'm a man.
We always did what she wanted and when she wanted it. From sex to weekend plans. If I wanted to go out with the guys, I had to get permission first. I'm not talking about going to strip clubs and getting blind drunk. I'm talking about watching a game on tv, working on a car. That sort of thing.
My career has always been very important to me. She, on many occasions, told me not to look, that we couldn't move, to stick with a bad job or bad boss.
She would frequently fly into rages, screaming, yelling, cursing, making things up, accusing me falsely. Then days later she would be all lovey-dovey. I could never predict which person she'd be.
I have the disease Major Depression. I've been on medication for it since 1992. Somewhere around 1997, it started getting worse. It culminated in a suicide attempt in 2002. I'm fine now and the disease is being controlled.
Guess what? She wasn't sympathetic or supportive. Instead she seized the opportunity to take control, to dominate.
The topper: In April of 2002, I was laid off. I had been continuously employed for 24 years prior to that. No layoffs or firings. Needless to say, it was a huge hit to my ego.
It took 15 months to find a job. During the unemployment period, she regularly falsely accused me of not looking hard enough for a job. She told me repeatedly that I had changed (but would never say how).
Suddenly, the money became "her money". She was major breadwinner now. Yet, I still got a small pension every month and for six months I got the maximum unemployment benefit allowed by Texas. Every time I wanted to spend a bit of money, she turned me down.
One example: I signed up for an informational class. The fee was $125. I got the instructor to let me pay it $25 per month. After the first month, she told me to cancel.
Yet when it came to things for her and my 3 teenage daughters, she always found the money for it.
She asked me to leave and told me to leave on many occasions. She never said why. This terrified me. I had no income and nowhere to go. I was most afraid of how I would get my medicine (I'm on about 8 prescriptions daily). This really scared me, almost to death.
The clincher came when she told me she didn't love me anymore. She never said that she loved me without me asking first. A couple of times, she responded "I'll have to think about it".
So, is this emotional, verbal and/or mental abuse? I think so.
After the last "I don't love you", I said that as soon as I got a job, I would move out and file for divorce.
Then, I had two hot job prospects going on. Interviews. Very positive feedback. So I started my plan. I got a post office box so I could have things mailed to me that I didn't want her to know about. Since she controlled the money, I had to find a source that she didn't know about. Then I remembered that we had account for the kids where I was the custodian. I closed those accounts and opened a checking account at a bank. So far, I hadn't taken any action that was not reversible.
Then came the day when I got a job offer! I knew I could implement the rest of the plan. I hired an attorney. Then I went looking for an apartment. Before I started the job, I had to go out of town for an interview on the other one. The day after I got back, I filed for divorce. I told her that I would be out by the end of the week.
The period after I moved out has been ok but with some rough spots. She still tries to abuse me, on the phone or in person. I have had to keep a distance between the daughters and me because anything I say to one of the girls, gets back to her and becomes fodder for more abuse.
The divorce is plodding along. It sure seems like I will get screwed. No one will consider the abuse, not my lawyer, not the judge. All they focus on is that I make 4 times what she does. I have absolutely no problem with paying to support the kids.
Well, that's the up to date news. I'm feeling fine now, better than I have in a long time.
I wish anyone who reads this, the best of health and much happiness. |
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| kym hodges - asleyog.com | | Comments - i was in a relatoinship for 4 years he was very sweet into he started to control where i went and what i did. when i found out i was pergant he went into a rage. he said did'nt want any kids he said that they would take up all my time. i was afraid for my life and my unborn child. he would slap, choke,and throw me around iwas only 109 pounds. one time he put me in the icu ihad my babyit was a girl he loves my child very much . were not together any more but we still communacate for my childs shake. |
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| Tara - Tkrall@honorfinance.com | | Comments - I met my husband in high school when I was 17 years old. I am now 28 and have just gotten the nerve to leave him. Our relationship has always been rocky, lots of arguments, but it really went downhill when we got married. He has always verbally abused me (slut, bitch, cunt, whore, dumb, idiot, brainless, useless, etc.) But once we got married the constant criticizing started. From the way I ate, or did dishes, washed clothes, the way I looked, even the way I laughed. I felt like a constant irritation to him. I could do nothing right, ever. It got to the point where I stop talking. To anyone. I hated myself. I felt like a ghost. Then he started to poke, pinch, push, slap, punch me. He has beat every part of my body and NEVER once apologized. This is my 4th time leaving him. I have been gone 3 weeks. I have opened my own checking account, paid an attorney to file for divorce and am currently looking for an apartment. My family and friends have been my support system as well as anti depressants a support group and a therapist. If you think you are in an abusive relationship, you are and you must leave. Like I said before, this is my fourth time leaving. It only gets worse. I am finally getting some strength and looking forward to a life of peace. Take care all. |
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| "" - Dee_52002@yahoo.com | | Comments - Three weeks ago I got the nerve to leave my boyfriend. It was a year and eight months of abuse. physical emotional and then sexual. We had a baby and he was responsible for her death. That was four months ago and I still coudn't leave him. I made myself believe it was my fault. His excuse for the physical was because i had a "big mouth". The emotinal because he was weak. The sexual because he thought I was cheating on him. The irony is he was cheating on me. He met her two weeks after our baby died. What I want everyone to know is that I know I didn't desrve it .I didn't ask for it, and I stayed because deep down inside I was afraid. Afraid that no one would love me because I was stupid, fat ugly, mean. I'm not.I can't help that I loved him that I still do. Even if I cry because I miss him, and because I wonder why he didn't love me, and if there is something really wrong with me that I didn't even deserve the scum of the Earth. I'm proud of me because I'm not there anymore, and I haven't gone back this time. I'm proud because I'm only 19 and I've been through hell and back and I'm still standing. I'm still alive scarred but alive, and he isn't going to be the first and last thing I think of every day. I'm proud of me even if no one else is. |
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| jesse - jesse@dcemail.com | | Comments - i was in a relationship that lasted,24 years...dysfunctional but is took place.
I tryed to make it work for 18 years,but it didnt ...i tryed everything,including looking the other way and minding my own business..
for 18 years ,,my wife did infidelity
and did it on a regular basis..then she would come home after i went out and found her and brougth her home and fixed her up.looking the other way would have been easy but she would push into my face the fact that i would get high and find other women..i told her before i started recovery that was true of both of us..thats way i stopped getting high..its been 15 years since i did that kind of thing..but she keeps making me pay for it...everyday..
well then one day she ended up finding a man and staying with him...i could not take it anymore...i tryed to talk her into staying and leaving this guy.she wouldnt..it was hard i took the kids and raised them the best i could.
i took a job and went to school and raised my kids...there were three of them..i ended up finally divorcing her and getting into another dysfunctional marriage,i left one to get into another.
as soon as i got involved with this women she had me quitting my job and moving to another state,and beginging anew.which i did..first thing she did was change her name to my name ,then she put her name on my bank account and put me on her account..then to make me feel good she gave me her card and told me to hang on to it..only problems ,,not much in the account.she also had me doing alot of things at first didnt seem wrong as time came and went it did seem wrong things like cleaning house and doing dishes ,,rubbing her back and never rubbing mine..as soon as i got a job my check would go to her..it would all go into bills and thats it..i didnt see any of my money at all.
after 2 years..iam trying to get out,but its hard ,because i really do care about her andlove her and her 4 kids..butshe is to controling to me..
as i write this ,,iam leaving out the door and i really dont know if i can stay away ,,since ive been away 10 times before..my wife has everyone believing that iam the one who is dysfunctional and not her...now iam finally doing it ..my clergy and allthe church admin believes that iam a nut case ,for being married to her.they ask her way is she with me..even her kids say that..so iam leaving now ,but its hard.real hard..but after reading your stories ,,i knew i could get out..now iam...bye... |
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| s58i - ddddd@hotmail.com | | Comments - i get beaten up by my little sister.
i get nightmares and can't get to sleep. someone SAVE me!!! |
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| Jayne - kauanoe24@hotmail.com | | Comments - I wish i had a break free story to tell. ill instead tell you what happened just one hour ago. my live in boyfriend has a tendency to be dishonest. he was gone until late last night while i was sick (i'm pregnant with his child) at home. when i called him for a favor to drive somewhere, he told me he couldn't talk because he was on the other line on an important phone call. when he came home, i was curious and looked into his phone to see who he was talking to. he had deleted his call log. so i broke into his cell phone account on line and found out who he was talking to - which turned out to be an ex girlfriend. he had talked to her for almost two hours. after confronting him, he demanded that I tell him who is giving me the information, accusing me of sleeping with someone from the cell phone company. when i told him that i did it online, he forced me to show him how i did it. i refused. he hit me multiple times with a pillow across my head and insisted that i had a choice of showing him my resources or to continue getting hit. when i still wouldnt show him, he continued to slam the pillow across my head. during the ordeal, he has shoved me, grabbed my face and pushed it, and called me MANY, MANY names. He has even brought up the fact that the child i'm pregnant with is not his. he won't give me my house key back, because he said that he'll keep the key until he's READY to move all his things out. I don't know what to do without calling the police, i think it will make him hate me more.
can anyone give some kind of advice? |
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| Gina - gina_johnston@osca.state.mo.us | | Comments - To anyone that is reading this, I hope my situation helps you break away from a bad relationship.
i have lived with a man substantially younger than me for the past 16 months.
It started out wonderfully, and gradually, every time i walked out of the door to just be with my friends, he would accuse me of cheating and call me over and over again on my cell phone. I just took it as flattery at the beginning, because i thought he cared about me and wanted to know where i was and the fact that he was worried about me cheating in my mind, meant that he was just concerned. Well, very rapidly, things began to worsen. I couldnt' leave the house at all without being accused, so i stopped going anywhere just to avoid the confrontation. When the holidays came around, i just stayed home, because at least i knew that i wouldn't be accused of cheating. As time went by, i couldn't even take a shower without being accused of "getting ready to go out and get laid". I would have to shower when he was at work, just so i didn't have to hear about it. He would hide or throw away all my makeup and perfume, hide all my clothes and he would actually hit me if he didn't like something that i had on.
to make matters worse, for my birthday, i received two beautiful kittens from a dear friend of mine, they were barely 10 weeks old. i gave them much attention and i think he didn't like that so, first he killed the female and the next day when i went to the grocery store, he beat the little boy with a hammer. i finally called the police. that was the end of my straw. i always thought it was my fault, because he would call me fat and ugly and old. and he would never show me any affection what so ever. he would leave me stranded at work, take my car and i would have to get rides home or take a cab. he would withhold any affection, he would withhold sex and he would check my cell phone everyday, but the funny part was, he would do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted and i better not say anything, or he would push me or hit me.
i thought that i was weak because i would try to do anything to make things better, but i then figured out that it wasn't my fault, and there wasn't a thing i could do to make it better. the problem was that i loved him, no matter what he did.
but, eventually you wake up. THANK GOD and you see that its not you, its them.
if anyone would like to contact me at any time, please do so. i would love to talk to anyone that wants to talk, i don't judge people. being in an abusive relationship has taught me alot. #1 don't judge a book by its cover, it can be very deceiving. |
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| Billy - billybadboy@aol.com | | Comments - My girlfriend rapes and beats me. i got free then she shuved a dildo up my tooshie.
Now its over and I just wanted every man to know how brutally swollen my anis was. My mom thought she was a nice girl. And i was extremly attractive. but then she turned me on like a vicious dog and now my mom and her are having a relationship im so scared theyre going to gang up on me and shove dildos in my tooshie. They go shopping everyday i hope the dont buy a bigger one that before! but she didnt need to rape me! |
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| Holly T. Cox - hollytcox@msn.com | | Comments - I do not believe that you received my follow up: So I'll try again.
I would love to tell you about my history with Domestic Abuse and the Cycle as well as my part as an Advocate. Right now, however, as an advocate and the Executive Director of a Domestic Violence/Crisis Center, I am about to confront this issue head on and need some help. We have suffered another death at the hands of DV. I am wondering how much effort would it have taken for a police officer to make a call to me to let me know that there was a victim who needed my help.... But I never got a phone call from a police officer, as a matter of fact, I have NEVER gotten a call from any law enforcement agency for my assistance in linking them to aide for a victim. NOT ONCE! No wonder the rate for DV has increased in the past twenty years. Anyone got anything to add.... Nicole Brown Simpson can no longer speak for herself... |
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| chloe* - hubba_girl@hotmail.com | | Comments - since i was about five years old my mum was popping pills and getting drunk all the time when she came home from the pub she would come into my room and blame me for my parents seperation because she had me when she was just 14.
she would walk up to my bed and pull me up by my hair and smah my head with the beer bottles and spit on me calling me filthy names, i would be so scared i would start peeing myself.
when i was about ten, i picked up a knife and stabbed my mum in the leg, i dropped the knife and ran, since then i have lived on the streets as a prostitute and a drug addict but only know after i found out i have aids i have decided to change my life as a born again christian |
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| karen - karenwatkins2002@yahoo.com | | Comments - I filed for divorce 9/3/03 after a 25 year marriage.
He threw coffee cups, remote controls, shoved and exercise bike through a wall, three dresser drawers, cussed me , flipped me the bird, left me in a downtown metropolitan area alone at night, hit me, Theatened me with a baseball bat, threatened my children, yelled, repeatedly told me I needed to see a physciatrist, said I provoked him, ripped counter stripping of counter, threw saucers that stuck in walls, crushed potato chips all over carpet, squeezd all toothpaste out of tube, threated to divorce and leave me until I took him up on it, then told me I was sick, depressed mentally ill. Drove fast and frightened me when mad. Threatened his own life, pulled his own hair, stuffed rags into his mouth. Broke a family sign with all our names on it. Broke my quilt rack, knocked curio cabinets off walls. Hung up on me repeatedly. He broke towel rods and ripped shirt apart. I know what it sounds like when every button on a shirt hits the wall as it pops off.
Now I'm living separate with my kids and going to counseling and Divorce Care at at Baptist church. Our final hearing is Dec. 23,2003.
I have alot of pain and he and his mother are begging me to return home.
THis is hard. But I know the way he treated me was not love. It was abuse.
I don't know why sometimes I feel sorry for him and his lonliness. I wish I didn't. |
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| Cecilia Alegria - zelbia@AOL.cim | | Comments - It was love at first sight with him.I knew that he was a phycho jealous person from the very biginning, but stayed becuase I loved him. It started our with all of the classic symptoms of an unhealth relationship, and quickly got worse. Eventhough I was married to him, was with him all day and every day, and was pregnant with his child, I was still forced to walk with my head down in public so "no one would look at me" and so "I wouldn't look at anyone." Nothing I ever did was right. If it was just him and I alone, we never fought and we got along great as long as nothing from my past was never brought up. Then, when I got tired of keeping my mouth shut and would hit back, it got worse. He has punched me while I was pregnant, threatened my life, tried to suffocate me twice, slapped me, put a knife to my throat, and all of this in front of our 3 year old daughter. All these instances happened numerous times. I put up with it for 4 years trusting his every vow that he would change because he loved me so much. Then he tried to strangle me for trying to leave him. Throughout these 4 years I never kept my mouth shut. I always made as big of a deal about it as necessary. Both of out families knew about it. I would cry to my friends and family, and his family would try to correct his horrible habbits, but I would still stay because I loved him so much. I never believed that I was in any "real" danger becuase he never actually beat me black and blue. So I'd stay,continue to put up with the emotional abuse, and accept every apology and promise. When I serously decided to leave him was when we were having one of our usual fights, and I didn't only look into my daughter's eyes, but I "saw" her. I saw how much it hurt her little innocent heart to see the two people that she loved the most in the whole world treating each other like that. She would yell at him for pushing me,and would yell at me for yelling at him. Poor thing didn't know who to root for.She had been caught in the middle since before she was born. No matter how much I loved that man, I loved my daughter so much more and refused to let him and I put her through that toument any longer. But police and protective orders don't always work. You need to get tough and speak up. But since I wasn't tough, I'm lucky it didn't get worse than it did. Thank God that I didn't stay with him long enough to make him do anything stupid to himself, to me, or to our daughter. And I also thank God that I had my friends, and family there to help me throught it all. My boyfriend was the one that helped me the most.He was there for me when even my parents didn't know what to do. He took me in and protected me from him, and is helping me raise my daughter as if she was his own. My daughter's father has become a better daddy since I left him, and is still a constant in her life which is all I ever wanted. Although he still threatens my boyfriend and I and wants me back, I know that he is slowly but surely moving on with his life,and I hope he will be happy with whoever he ends up with. I will always love him, and we will always be there for each other if we ever need anything. Things are slowly getting to the way they should be. No one can convince you to leave anyone, and not just anyone can change. You need to find it within yourself to believe that you don't deserve it. You let it happen in the biginning, so you're the only one who can truly make it stop. |
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| lila - lila24@msn.com | | Comments - i was beat by my dog repeatedly. i did not mean to crap in his doghouse. i am sorry. i think he should be prosecuted and fixed so i cannot get pregnant. thank you |
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| leigh - leighmichael46@hotmail.com | | Comments - i feel that my situation is different from other's because my abuse is dealing with my father. it is complete mental and emotional abuse that has drive men so far in the past that i tried to commit suicide. my dad is very very religious so that is also messed up, but he has a narcississtic personality. if anyone has similar situations please e-mail me |
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| Erica Wiggins - sparklexoxo@hotmail.com | | Comments - once upon a time, you loved me
you wouldn’t let me fall.
once upon a time, i loved you
your word, you said, was true...
now your foul face haunts me
my nightmares, more frequent
i dream of the day you leave me
i dream of the day i'm free.
you act as those your words dont hurt
or maybe you know they will
you pierce me with your venom
relentless till you kill...
my emotions are your game
you know me in and out
you know my every weakness
you'll play that card, no doubt.
my mask of security is shattered
million pieces on the floor
you beat me till I’m battered
yet you still go on for more.
you can see that i am breaking
you can see that i hate life
you can see my pain arising
you can see me grab this knife
you know my soul so well
your advantage, i can't beat
you stab at my vulnerability
All I want is to be free....
free of my insecurity
free of your vicious eyes
free of this complexity...
yet freedom will be as i die
you've pushed me over the edge
you've won your stupid game
you've gained support from outsiders
as you trashed and humiliated my name
no one sees your evil
no one sees your flaws
to busy being what they are
animals, addicted to claw
they’re brainwashed beasts
blinded to who I am.
he says I should die
their conscience wont even ask why
sharks in a pool
the smell of fresh new blood
attacking viciously at my heart
hungry; as they my soul apart.
the master of deception
watches contently at afar
he finds it all so amusing
as my name and body’s scarred
my life passes before my eyes
as i see his hunger grow
i realize now he'll never stop
until my blood, stains his snow
i used to think i deserved this
my mistakes were all but clear
but now i see its murder
and this is what i fear:
my life is all but ended
there’s nothing i can do
once I’m gone I'm worthless
but your form, will stay true
you'll find another victim
an innocent soul at that
trap them in your warped games
and keep them like a rat
you experiment with their reactions
laugh at them as they cry
cry for their escape
cry for their own lives...
you suck the soul out of them
just as you did to me
you take away their honour
you take their humanity
As I see him scar them
I wish I could convey
he doesn’t stop abusing
until you walk away.
now we see you for what you are
but its all over and done
we lie upon the shattered glass
your icy whisper says... "i won"
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| mel - lil_mel287@hotmail.com | | Comments - ok you people probably think im selfish, i havent personally been abused but for 3 years i had to watch my mother be beaten every day. i felt that was hard enough alone i couldnt bare to think what my mother was going through. her then boyfriend would come home eat his dinner (thats if it was good enough if it wasnt we would know) and then beat her till she couldnt breath. when this was happening i knew i had to be strong for my mum because if she knew i was upset she would feel she had failed me, even though i was old enough to know it wasnt her fault and victims of this abuse are unable to do anything about it, i knew i had to help my mum, but june 2002 i had nearly lost my mum 4 times twice when she was beaten really bad and twice due to her taking an overdose she just gave up, i dread the thought of me not finding her in time, i still remember standing at the top of my stairs when the ambulance came i had froze, i didnt know what to do, i couldnt lose my mum not now, she had been so strong for so long. i havent got a father my dad walked out on me when i was just 4 so i never really got a bond with him like i have with my mother and if i lost her i would have nothing. luckily my mum pulled through and she is now as well as can be expected, although she has ibs due to the stress caused (irritable bowel syndrome). me on the other hand i am coping i suppose, i find i have literally no confidence what so ever i wont leave the house on my own and if i do its to go somewhere very close. people tell me im a pretty girl and im intelligent but when i look in the mirror i see the girl who didnt help her mum who let it happen, i could of done something but never did, but its gettin better before i was down 24/7 today i am feelin better about myself i am goin to college in september to meet new people and currently seeing someone which i didnt think i ever would as i was scared the same would happen to me as what happened to my mum, but trust is everything, just be careful who it is you start trusting, if you read this thankyou so much, knowin someone knows what im goin through who dont know me and cant judge me makes me feel better in myself, and 4 anyone who is a victim of abuse dont hesitate to call the police if you are scared dont be they will keep you safe and make you happier aas a person, also there are counsillers out there who give it their all to help you if you can see sum1 they are your friends! luv ya all and take care xXx
feel free to add me if you wanna chat or share experiences: lil_mel287@hotmal.com |
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| Jean - jpsalm123@cs.com | | Comments - My abuse is at the workplace. My supervisor threatens to fire me if I open my mouth about her to her superior's. She also said I am not authorized to talk with her superior's for any reason. I put in a request for time off (vacation leave) twice in two years. Each time she makes negative comments on them . This time it said Jean - Do not approve anyone else for this time frame. Obviously, with staffing shortags everyone is not going to get what they want. Joyce
My department does not have a staffing shortage but we anticipate one person retiring. She lied to me and said the personnel department is holding up the paperwork to fill the item. When I questioned personnel, they said they did not know anyone was retiring. Joyce never spoke with them. When I confronted her she said her superiors will probably not be filling the position as items are not being filled anymore. (This too, was her mind playing tricks). She wanted my staff to be trained to work in the mail room even though it was out of title. I am a Telecommunications Analyst. She said I have to work in mail room when a clerk is out. I believe she does this to demean me and other people I supervise. She goes past me to my employees and orders them to do things like keeping logs of the calls they receive on the switchboard with no explanation why leaving employees feeling threatened about their jobs. She makes the mailroom clerks count the boxes again doing the same type of threat to them. She, herself told me she was abused by her father so now we suffer the consequences of her not getting appropriate counseling for herself. If we go to management above her, nothing seems to change and she is supported and believed when she tells lies about people which she tells me about others. Going over her supervisor is another abusive employer who has already been to court several times for the same thing.
Any advice? Any guidelines? Any way I can document and prove my case better to stop this torture? I believe because of her my blood pressure is high. When she became my supervisor and I had to deal with her abuse I got palpitations, and high blood pressure. I had cancer in the past and am afraid the stress may trigger it again.
Please help me by giving some advice. |
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| - shemickaevans@yahoo.com | | Comments - I really need a break free tip. I have been with the same man for about 8 years, since the age of 19. I have two children, 6 and 4, both boys. I have not really been physically abuse because he tried and I always seem to win!! It is more verbal, I am cheating on him, ( with everyone from my brothers to the neighborhood drunk!!). I have tried leaving him several times but he just follows me. He will slash my tire to prevent me from leaving. He will stand outside my home at 3 o clock bamming on the door for me to let him in. He insult me in front of his friends and has no respect for me and I have suffered because of it. I smoke cigarettes heavily, my hair is falling out, I has lost wieght, I have ulcers and I get migraine headache on a regular basis and now I am starting to drink more than the usual for myself. He even went to the lengths of trying to kidnapped our son. The children love him but I don't. I am tired of him and I really need help. I am so scared that he might hurt me or my children. I know that I said that he has not been physically abusive but that could all change. My uncle, who is a pastor, told me that I am sitting on a ticking time bomb and I believe him. Please give me some help on want I can do. I do not want to go to a women's shelter because I have a section 8 voucher and can move anywhere in the state. I JUST NEED HELP!! PLEASE!!! I really want away from the man. I am afraid that my children will grow up to have the same attitude that women are only good for one thing and yes he tells my children that. His mother watched him slap me one time and she locked me out of her house because she did not want to get involved, but someone needs to. The only time I get away from him is in when I go to school. And since it is my "fault" that he does not have a job he babysits. I am barely making ends met. But I would do anything to get as far away from him as I can!!! Maybe you can help by giving me some websites that have houses that accept section 8 and while I am at school I could be making preparations to get my children and myself away from this man. |
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| Josephine Thompson - josiethom3@yahoo.com | | Comments - I lived with an extremely violent abuser for almost 14 years; I reached bottom at the 12 year mark, overcame suicidal impulse, proceeded to grow--he proceeded to intensify attacks. I fled for my life with 5 children in 1987. After the horrendous ordeal of realizing the depth of harm done to us; I rebuilt, gained education and after years of work as a Trainer and domestic violence counselor I am giving back for all victims: TORN FROM the INSIDE OUT, domestive violence narrative memoir.
www.TornFrom.citymaker.com |
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| cirrus - obelixzm@yahoo.ca | | Comments - PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND MY FATHER.HE IS 59 YEARS OLD.
MY FATHER WAS THE ONLY CHILD.HIS PARENTS WERE TOO PROTECTIVE TOWARD HIM.WHEN SOMBODY DIED IN HIS TOWN HIS PARENTS WOULD MOVE HIM IN ANOTHER VILLAGE SO HE WOULD NOT SEE PEOPLE CRY.WHEN HE WAS A CHILD HE STABBED HIMSELF IN THE EYE AND FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE HE HAD A PROBLEM WITH SELFRESPECT AND CONFIDENCE.HE GOT MARRIED AND HAD ME AND MY SISTER.ALL HIS LIFE HE REPEATED TO US THAT WE ARE ALL HE HAS: HIS DAUGHETERS, SISTERS, FRIENDS....HE WAS VERY POSSESIVE TOWARD US-NO BOYFRIENDS. I HAD THE FIRST BOYFRIEND WHEN I WAS 20 YEARS OLD.WHEN I HAD A PROBLEM AND WANTED TO TALK TO HIM HE WOULD JUMP AND CURL ON THE BED SCREAMING. HE WOULD CALL ME NAMES, WE WOULD USUALLY FIGHT, HE WOULD BEAT ME USUALLY WITH HIS BELT OR HANDS. ONCE I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THE IMPRESSION OF HIS HAND ON MY FACE.ONCE HE GRABBED HIS GENITALS (THROUGH HIS PANTS)AND SAID HE IS GOING TO PEE ON ME.MY MOTHER WOULD ALWAYS SIT ON THE SIDE NOT TELLING ANYTHING, IF SHE WOULD SAY SOMETHING HE WOULD GRAB HIS COAT AND RUN OUT TELLING THAT HE IS LEAVING US. AFTER FEW HOURS HE WOULD COME BACK, TOUGHT.
MY MOTHER WOULD TELL ME THAT IT IS ALL MY FAULT THAT WE FOUGHT. HE CHEATED ON MY MOTHER IN FRONT OF US CHILDREN. ONCE OUR FRIEND TOLD US THAT HE OFTEN COMES IN HIS STORE TO PHONE HIS MISTRESS. WHEN HE HAD A CAR ACCIDENT OUR PROMISCUOUS NEIGHBOUR WOULD COME AND STAY WITH HIM AFTER MY MOTHER WENT TO WORK AND US CHILDREN TO SCHOOL.SHE WOULD USUALLY SIT HALF NAKED ON HIS BED WHILE WE CHILDREN WOULD WATCH THAT.
WHEN MY FATHER FIND OUT THAT I HAD BOYFRIEND HE WENT CRAZY. HE SAD THAT HE WILL RENOUNCE ME AS HIS DAUGHTER IN LOCAL NEWSPAPERS.HE CALLED ME A WHORE AND HE THREATENED MY BOYFRIEND AND HIS MOTHER. FOR A YEAR HE DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME. I DID NOT TELL YOU , BUT HE NEVER PAYED HIS BILLS. HE ASKED US CHILDREN TO LIE TO THE BILL COLLECTORS.WE WOULD LOCK OURSELF IN THE HOUSE AND SHAKE OF THE FEARE WHILE BILL COLECTORS WERE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR. HE IS PHARMACIST AND MY MOTHER WORKS IN THE MILK FACTORY. WHERE ALL THEIR MONEY WENT I STILL DO NOT KNOW. WE LIVED IN BOSNIA AND DURING THE WAR MY FATHER BEHAVED AS A LITTLE CHILD. HE COULD NOT DEAL WITH REALITY. HE WOULD SIT USUALLY CURLED ON THE BED NOT TALKING JUST LOOKING ALL DAY THROUGH THE WINDOW.MY HUSBAND AND I WENT TO CANADA AS REFUGEES, WHERE WE ARE NOW.I CALLED MY MOTHER AND FATHER TO COME AND VISIT US, BUT MY FATHER SAID HE IS AFRAID OF FLYING, THEN LAST YEAR HE TOLD ME TO LOOK FOR HIS VISA , HE IS NOT AFRAID ANY MORE. THEN A FEW MONTHS AGO HE CALLED ME AND SAID TO STOP LOOKING FOR HIS VISA BECAUSE HE IS AFRAID AGAIN.AFTER TALKING WITH THEM ON THE PHONE I AM SHAKING, CRYING AND I AM UPSET FOR HOURS. PLEASE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND MY FATHER.
CIRRUS
P.S. I APOLOGIZE IF MY SPELLING IS NOT CORRECT.
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| Paige - paige1@vipowernet.net | | Comments - I did not fully recognize that I was abused by my ex-husband until I was going through a divorce. Like many people, the word abuse always conjured up images of black eyes and bruises to me. After being married for ten years to a husband who was manipulative, financially controlling, unfaithful and then villifying, I was depressed, disorganised, lacking in self esteem, and feeling very gulity. My ex-husband would coerce me into having sex when I did not want to - my alternative was usually being kept awake and badgered with arguments until my head was spinning and I would say anything to get to sleep. To anyone who has not had someone intentionally deprive you of sleep, I'm sure that this wouldn't sound so horrible, but it was. We owned a business together, from which I never saw cash. He would keep the cash receipts in his wallet, stuff his wallet under his side of the bed at night and remove it to his pocket in the morning. He said that he did this because I was reckless with money - I wore tattered clothes and spent money only on taking care of my family, I never spent money on myself. I started to withdraw to the point where I felt that I was no longer really there for my children. As I withdrew, the criticisms grew fiercer - he started to try to psychoanalize me. At one point he had decided that I was autistic! The more I was criticized, the more responsibility I took on. I was running two of my own businesses and working from pre-dawn to after midnight every day. Because the situation did not happen over night, I had become inured to it all until I was able to step away from the situation when I separated from my husband. What I saw when I took a look back scared me. He scared me. After we separated he started stalking me. He would come into my house when I was not there. On one occasion he stole a check from my check book, on another he stole a great deal of cash. He spied on me, which is something that he also did while we were married, (I believe it was another way of taking control from me). He accosted me in public, screaming obscenities at me. He would pursue me and incite an argument with me - I would be unprepared, terrified, and enraged; on one occasion I did hit him, but I felt that I was defending myself. He later used that against me to say that I was the abusive party.
When I went to my lawyer to pursue the divorce I was more concerned with getting away from him than I was with really protecting myself, my children (I had this idea that he was, although a jerk to me, a ggod father) and our future. My lawyer did not recognise that I was under duress and not making sound decisions. I made decisions that are still affecting us today. I gave my ex-husband partial custody of the children, and agreed to pay for half of everything. I gave him the house, and took a cash settlement (from which $25,000 was stolen). Almost three years later I am still struggling. I still have to face his manipulative behavior. I feel helpless, and I believe that my children are suffering because of decisions that I made. My ex-husband receives rent from the property that we had owned together that exceeds my current monthly income. Meanwhile, I am paying rent and struggling every month to make ends meet. When I tried to get child support from him, his lawyer used financial figures that my ex-husband had given him, (which were very loosely footed in reality), to make me out to be a spend crazy, irresponsible and therefore uncaring parent. I never contacted the police or even made any accusations about the money that was missing from my house because I was afraid, (I certain that he had stolen the money), so I was unable to defend myself. At the time that the theft occured I was trying to weigh the damage that would be caused to my children if the situation escalated if I accused their father, against the damage that had been done to me. I was also aware that I was not supposed to have that much money in cash - so what would I have said to the police anyway?
I live in an area where the public schools are not very good at all - we usually have the lowest standardized test scores under the American flag. The private schools are very expensive and I would have trouble affording even the cheapest of them. My children's father is driving a new car, and is talking to friends of mine about investing in very expensive commercial property. Meanwhile, I am scraping together enough to keep us fed, clothed, and housed. My ex-husband is saying that he cannot afford to pay the kids' tuition by himself. I did sign agreement to pay for half the tuition, but the reality is that it is not possible. My ex-husband knows this and is now trying to ruin me financially by forcing me to keep the agreement. I am going to try to force him back into mediation to ammend our agreement, but I am not very confident that I will see a fair outcome.
I am also concerned about my children's physical well being when they are at their father's. I went to a local family couselling center and was told that it is unlikely that I will be able to get custody of my children. Apparently the courts see a change in custody as usurping parental rights. I can't communicate with my ex-husband. I've tried everything from being firm to being pollyanna. I am concerned for their welfare when they are with their father. When I pick them up from there they are unkempt and exhausted, and they having problems socially and academically. I don't think that being split between two homes mid-school week has been good for them. Their father is not often home and the children are being left either alone or with a not very reputable woman that my ex-husband refers to as "the kids' nanny".
When I talk to people about the problems that I have had, sometimes I feel like I am crazy. It isn't possible that anyone would behave this way to another person, or use their children as a weapon. Even now, when I am free of the daily abuse and only having to deal with the residual effects, I need to have affirmation that I'm okay. This really did happen and I am not blowing it out of proportion. It happens to people every day.
Recently, a woman with whom I work confided in me that her husband was abusing her. I told her my story, and I was amazed at myself for the good advice that I gave her. I wish that there had been someone there for me when I needed to be told the same things. I gave her a place to stay, and told her not to act or react until she felt that she was safe.
I am going to be struggling with these issues for a long time. But, I lived through ten years of degradation and abuse. I'm strong and I'm a good person. My children have a difficult path ahead of them as well. When they get to an age where they start to challenge their father they will probably confront a lot of the same behaviors that I did. I am trying to teach them to be independant and self assured. I think that they are learning right from wrong and they know that they have a safe home with me. When the time comes, I want them to be able to protect themselves.
If I could change one thing in my history it would not be to delete the ten years that I was married, but rather to delete the rash decision that I made in regard to custody of my children. I am healing, but now I have to watch them suffer. |
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| pat - pmccormack@bellsouth.net | | Comments - I HAVE A HUSBAND THAT CALLS ME NAMES AND HE GETS MAD WHEN I TELL HIM TO QUIET POKING ME IN THE REAR END WITH A KIFE HE SAYS I AM JUST PLAYING BUT IT DOES NOT FEEL VERY GOOD SO THEN HE CALLS ME A BITCH AND A HOLE SO WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THAT? THANK YOU PATSY |
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| leah freeman - leahblaty@gru.net | | Comments - I am twenty-nine years old and was married to an abuser for seven years. The abuse started while we were dating and carried over into our marriage. I was broken down emotionally by him and my self esteem was so low that I allowed him to ridicule me, beat me, rape me and he even brought me to the point of anorexia through all of his mental abuse. I weighed 148 when we got married and by the time I left him I weighed barely 100 lbs. He would make up songs about my weight, "fattie-fattie-boom-ba-laddie" was one of them and he would encourage my son to join in and sing with him. It was a nightmare!!! The final straw for me was when Rob and I had been in our bedroom fighting for over an hour when I looked over my shoulder and saw my seven year old son huddeled over in a fetal position up against our bedroom wall, he had heard everything and was pale as a ghost. It was at that time that I realized I had to get the hell out, if not for myself for at least my Tyler. Bless his heart he was always trying to protect me and a lightbulb went off that day that I didn't care what it took I was going to give my son a normal childhood! So, I started planning my leave, with the help of two friends, I left almost everything material with my ex, but I took my life back. I filed a restraining order, filed for divorce, and fought in court for primary residency, along with putting myself and Tyler in free counseling services, and used a student loan to buy furniture and pay rent, since I had nothing. One year later I am Leah again, not a victim but a person! I won't lie and say it is easy because leaving was the most difficult thing I had ever done, but I gave my son a chance in life and I know for that I am proud of myself and I know he will be forever graeful. |
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| Ketina C. - Gemini61975@aol.com | | Comments - Ottoman continued: After that episode he began to act nice! But I had decided that enough was enough and hatched a plan to leave for once and for all. But he foiled it by insisting that he see me before I leave for church with my mother and that by insisting that he pick me up from church just an hour into service. So, I regrouped this past monday I wasn't feeling well and took a sudfed and took a nap on the futon with that damn cellphone on my chest. Meanwhile I had chicken in the oven on 200. After talking to him the last time an hour goes by but I was sleep. The phone rings but no one is on it and I call him back and he curses me saying hes called ten times and I wouldn't answer the phone. Obviously, something was wrong he the reception and I insisted that it didn't ring. He hung up and I called back he cused me again and then comes through the door five minutes later. He comes in and slaps me twice after I've stated that I don't know what the problem was. Then he insist thatI sit at the table and tell him what is going on. Thinking not that the house has burned down from the chicken in the 200 degree oven but that I'm cheating. A day later I visit my mother to give her a late mothers day gift and hatch my next plan. Wed of this past week she comes and get me out and we barley make it as we leave he pulled up saying what did he do wrong! Abuser's dont think that they do anything wrong!I was feeling hopeless, and lost and like I just couldn't do anything right but it was him not me. I know that I need to be deprogrammed and I can never lose sight of the fact that no matter how much I think I love him his love is possession and that is not love. To breakfree always have a plan of exit and always have your essentials at hand and organized if I had been just 10 minutes later I would not have made it out. I kept everything together planning for weeks to leave just waiting for the right moment to present it self the only thing that got me was I told me mother not to call me so she just came and I didn't have my things at the door but they were still well orgainized. See I couldn't change him when I came back this last time he promised not to touch me again he lied, and his verbal and emotial abuse was just as bad calling me a piece of shi-. Or requireing that I constantly prove my love. Bear in mind as you read this that this man is sober no alchol no drugs.............
And I hope that its helps someone to get out...................... |
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| Heather Hawthorne - heidietta@msn.com | | Comments - i was in a very verbally abusive relationship for about six months.see he lived in Va and i lived in Pa and we only saw each other three times.He is in the navy as well.I don't know where to start.Well it all started with him getting angry over petty situations always making me look like the bad guy.He would flip out if i wanted to go with my friends,family,etc.if i did go he'd call me every hour and believe me i gave him hell for this.But he always made me feel guilty like i need to be home to talk with him at all times.I tried to break it off several times.He would call my house cussing at me my mother and my sister,if i wouldn't talk to him.Then i talked to him "stupid Me".he said i'm sorry i love you i just don't want to lose you.I would feel bad and forgive him everytime.The second time i tried to break away,he told me he'd kill me if he ever saw my whore face again.I was scared because he was going to be home on leave that week.I tried not to worry.Then he was home.He drove by my house every night.I saw him.He would call my house all day and night about every minute.One day while i was home alone he stopped by the house cuz there was no cars here so he probably figured i was the only one home.I went to the door and told him to get out of here or i'd call the police.He just laughed and said they won't do nothing they won't believe you.As i got ready to slam the door in his face he grabbed my arm and slapped me across the face and said that's what you get you nasty whore.Then i called the police but it was too late he was gone.Eventually he was caught and reprimanded.He served no jail time only a slap on the wrist from the navy.After all this he still tried to contact me.I found a way and safely ended this for good.I know feel stronger and wiser.I will never again let a man make me feel like i'm worthless nor tell me how to live.This is my story. |
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| Kbutterfly - kbutterflz@yahoo.com | | Comments - I am currently dealing with a difficult situation. I had been dating this guy for 2 years, we had decided to get married and then he went off to Kuwait. When he returned, the abuse contiued and I left and cancelled the wedding. Well, he kept on stalking me and was treatening me and I was really scared and I got a restraining order. A few days later a police officer pressured me to drop the restraining order because he was a good guy and I would never win. The porblem is he's a police desbatcher and also in the military. So, they're willing to covber up for him. What do I do? I'm scared to die and I don't want to hurt anymore! |
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| know it but still dumb - | | Comments - i have been in an verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 15 years. Through that time, I have experience tremendous verbal and emotional abuse (ie being called swears, being sworn at, having things I love broken, being manipulated, exploited etc.etc) He has been diagnosed with depression and has had all of his life learning disabilities. I am a professional women with an advanced degreee. It is coming to the point, where I know that I can not take much more of this. Yet, the fear inside of me about leaving (I also have a disability which can cause me to go down for months at a time). At this point, I cover up for a lot of his quirks and I am constantly walking on eggshells fearful of the next blowup which happens almost daily now. I wish I could give some tips, but at this point I am just drowning in my own issues. I know most will say get the courage up and leave him.But unfortunately it is not that easy....Help |
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| Amy Roberts - lovetostay@pacific.net.au | | Comments - I put up with domestic violence from my father and emotional abuse frommy mother since I was 27.
I then attracted guys who did the same to me and then I found the way to break the cycle.
I've almost completed 2 eBooks about the topic and have had people interested in it. I'm not a counsellor but I'm sharing the teechniques and successful methods that I used to break free of the pain cycle of abuse.
www.lovetostay.com |
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| Amy Roberts - lovetostay@pacific.net.au | | Comments - Sorry, I meant I was abused until I was 27 years old. *typo there!
I'm now married to the most beatiful man! And no, I don't see my father anymore. |
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| Jane - Jane@fakeemail.com | | Comments - DO NOT put in your real first name or your real email address. Your abuse can do a search on your screen name and it this page will come up. I know this because I have done a search on my name myself. I have tried to communicate with the person who started this website to have my email address removed, but she just ignores me. BE CAREFUL! |
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| catharina de salles - 343eliasson@telia.com | | Comments - i,like your "brake free"i am from sweden,excuse my bad english.i`been very bad beating many years.last time he cut my hair with a knife,and cut my clothes and throu me out twiese,naked.in the staireway.he kicked me in the head.punshed me with a bottol.in my head.many more terrible things.i`ll belive you can emegin.been in court once..6 mouth and some money to pay me....but he didnt gave upp.he want to see me in court again!he just dont want to give up!the fuck cut all my hair off!!kicked me in my head...peed on my childrens picturies smached our telefones.he wanted all controll!and the polis questing me,what did yuo do so he get so mad!ofcourse,its my foulte!5 houers,my foulte!dear sister i feel with you!lets take over!!it`s ...our turn. take care .catharina
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| Tracy - slm6008@yahoo.com | | Comments - Iam currently in an abusive relationship, I have been for 15 years, I
have 2 children with my boyfriend, We aren't married. It all started
when I first moved in with him about 15 years ago, I was 19 at the time.
He was always really jealous when we would go out together I couldn't
even talk to another guy. If someone was talking to me he would go up
to them and say if you like your face the way it is you best get out of
here. It caused alot of tension after that, no guy would talk to me. I
used to think that I had to stop making him angry, I thought if I would
just stop doing things to make him mad then he wouldn't get angry with
me and hit me. Iam a person who is very family oriented, and after a
year of living together I got pregnant, I don't think he liked it
because I gained weight, and couldn't drink with him anymore, this was
another problem that he has always had. Throughout my whole pregnancy
he would come home drunk, wake me up to yell at me about something I
did to piss him off. One time I went to town to get him a pizza, and in
the car the box fell forward and then tipped upside down, well when I
brought it home he opened it and the cheese was stuck to the top of the
box, he went nuts and threw it at me (I was pregnant at the time). He
also had a problem with me I guess you could say Iam somewhat of a "neat
freak" I liked the house neat and yard kept up nice. He felt that it was
his house he pays the bills and he didn't care the way anything looked.
I thought he would like someone who could cook, keep a clean house and
take care of his children. I did work when my first child was born I
had a part-time job working at a video store as a assistant manager. He
would complain all the time about having to watch his own son while I
worked. Eventually he drank so much and so often that he could no
longer care for our child I had to find someone to watch him while i
went to work. One time I came home from work and he was passed out in
the living room while our 2 year old son was running around the house.
I left him and went to my mother's only to have him come back to get me
and promise that he was going to change, I always felt sorry for him and
went back to him everytime thinking that he really loved me. A couple
of times he would come home drunk he would demand his supper, i would
tell him it was in the microwave and he could heat it up himself, he
would get me out of bed to heat it up myself, i would refuse, so he
would shove me out the door out of the house, when it was the middle of
winter and really cold outside, and he wouldn't let me in until I agreed
to do what he wanted. This was what I always had to do was everything
he wanted me too and if I didn't do what he wanted he would either
choke, punch or throw things at me. their was another problem, his
mother she is very domineering woman, who never thinks her son does
anything wrong. She would come over to our house and tell me how to do
things, including caring for our child, managing money, obeying her sons
commands, and catering to her needs. I could never get along with her
she was so annoying and that really bothered him because he thought she
never did anything wrong, One time I told her to bring my son home so I
could give him a haircut (Iam a licensed cosmetologist and have cut
hair for years) she came back with him and he had gotten his haircut.
She told me she brought him in to get his haircut because she felt I
didn't know how to cut his hair write. I told her off and as soon as
she left her son beat me up. I tried to leave and he ripped the phone
wires out and took my car keys. One time his mother came over and took
my keys out of my car because she told me I go to much. I told her Iam
here night and day. She wouldn't give my keys back. She gave them to
her son, and eventually he had to let me go to work so he gave them back
to me. Over the next couple years I ended up pregnant again. His
drinking became worse, and eventually he was not only physically,
emotionally, phsycologically, but sexually abusing me. He had wanted
anal sex and would come home disgustingly drunk, and force himself on
me. I would try to leave the room he would catch me throw me on the
bed and tell me to lay their and take it. I got away and was crying only
to have him run after me and punch me in the stomach. The next morning
he would get up for work and he would tell me he was sorry and ask for
my forgiveness. I told his parents about what he had done they totally
ignored it like as if I wasn't even speaking to them. I for many years
had feelings of guilt and regret of staying with him, I had felt like he
had raped me that night but he says that If I really loved him I would
do it for him. He said that he was only showing me how much he loved
me. I said by forcing anal sex on me. I was so humiliated for what he
had done I couldn't tell anyone what had happened. For about a month i
slept on the couch because I was afraid it would happen again. He still
pressures me to let him have it his way but I refuse to give in.
Anyways, his drinking got to the point where I had to call the police
on him, because he would come home and start choking me , he has been in
and out of jail for domestic assault about 5-6 times. He has had 3
DWI's within the past 3 years. He is currently serving a year in jail
for his third DWI and violation of probation. He had at one time tried
to burn the house down with me and our children inside. He found out I
was gonna leave and went nuts and poured gasoline all over the house. I
feel that my son has been affected by his violent behavior, because he
is showing signs of being abusive, he is beating up on his little
sister. When he gets angry he throws things, I have tried talking to
him about his behavior and it doesn't help. His father just ignore's it
and calls me a bitch for even thinking I should get our son some help.
i feel really guilty for staying with him, I feel it is my fault, for
the way my son is turning out, I am still afraid to leave, for the fact
I feel that I won't beable to make it on my own financially. I currently
earned a A.A.S degree and am currently looking for work in my line of
field but haven't found anything yet. iam worried I won't find a job
before my boyfriend gets out of jail in 4 months. Is there any hope for
me and my kids, or will I be stuck in this relationship forever, I still
do love him even though he treated me awful.
Tracy
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| TLC - tcarlton@mwtn.org | | Comments - Reading the other stories helped me become bolder than I ever thought I could be. I have never told my story before...to anyone. When I met my husband, in 1985, I was looking for a stable relationship. One in which I would be taken care of. He must have seen me coming!
My husband's first marriage had broken up 2 years before we met. His wife left him and took their two boys to another state. He has had unhealthy angry feelings towards the relationship for years. I don't know why it actually took me 18 years to figure this out.
At first, we just lived together. Then we got married. The honeymoon was over, before it began. The week after we were married, we had our first big fight. He professed to being a devout christian-so and and so forth. We were traveling to his brothers' house, and my husband, knowing I couldn't stand drugs of any kind, lit up a joint. When I started complaining about this "unusal" behavior...he hit me in the face with his fist and told me to shut up. That was the beginning.
Little did I know he had severe inancial problems. His car was repossesed within one month of our marriage and he had quit his second job in 4 months. He complained so much about my job and the men I worked with, I found a different position, closer to home so he could use the car through the day to find a job.
Within our first year, he went through 5 jobs. His bosses were all jerks and he did nothing wrong. We also went through 3 apartments because we couldn't pay the rent. He has had 19 jobs in 18 years and we have lived in 25 different houses and apartments.
I was pregnant in that first year and delivered a girl within 13 months after getting married. Right away he started picking more and more fights. The night my family had a baby shower for her was horrible. I went to the party with my baby. We had the shower and I visited with my family, who had not seen me for 9 months. I arrived home about 9:00pm. He was furious. He started backing me in a corner, demanding to know what I had been doing and with whom. I still had my baby in my arms when he started hitting me with his fists. I was trying to shield her from his rage. I remember that night asking God to help me die, I was in such horrible pain. Three weeks postpartem, he started demanding sex. I kept telling him I didn't think we should do that yet, I was too tender. He made demands and stated that if I couldn't take care of him, someone else would. One night, he started a horrible fight, placed a gun to his head and kept saying he would pull the trigger if things didn't change. He munipulated me into having sex with him that night. Even when I cried because it hurt so much, he never stopped. I don't remember how many times we had sex that night. Within 4 days, I started having a fever and right before my four week check up I couldn't even walk. I had developed sepsis from 4 abseces inside of my episiotomy. I was in a coma for 1 month, died 2 times and didn't see my baby for 2 months. I never mentioned to anyone what really happened.
I was not allowed to correct his children from his first marriage. I remember a time when one of them knocked my baby down, while jumping over the baby gate at the bottom of the stairs. I had told him numerous times not to jump the gate, but he knew I had no jurisdiction over him. He jumped the gate and his feet hit her in the head. She was 7 months old and pulling herself up. I ran in the room to pick her up, and I was getting on to him when my husband came into the room. He started strangling me and grabbed a handful of tomatoes from the counter, shoving them into my mouth and up my nose. I thought I was going to die, but fought with all I had for my baby.
One of my sisters got married when my daughter was 9 months old. We only had one car, and my husband said his boys would not be made to ride to the wedding in an unconditioned car. (His was repo'd, this was mine, but with no air.) He told me he was taking them bike riding, but he promised me he would be back in time for me to go to my sister's wedding. We had no phone and the closest pay phone was about 2 miles away. We waited, and waited and waited. All dressed up to go to a wedding. Itstarted at noon. They arrived home at 9:00pm acting as though nothing happened. I was so mad I started yelling and screaming, he hung me out of the upstairs bedroom window, holding my knees and kept acting as though he would drop me.
Needless to say, there have been many times, such as this, throughout the 18 years. One time two years ago, we had no car and my parents bought us one, that I made payments to them for. My husband hated the car. It had problems at time starting. We were in the next state, and it wouldn't start. I know it embarrassed him in front of his friends. After everyone left, his brother was coming to get us, he hit the windshield so hard it shattered. He was yelling and screaming. The kids were so scared, they were crying for me to lock the doors and try to leave. I started the car and he started apologizing. After that I started some short councelling. I started standing up for myself more and more.
He still makes it so I have a hard time making any plans of my own. We still have only one car and if he knows I plan on doing anything, he makes sure he also had plans and I was messing them up. He manipulates all of us with wonderful things he wants to do, so we will change our plans to do what he wants. Then his fall through.
We call him on the carpet for abusive behavor now. But he still makes comments, in front of our three girls, about how he wished he would have killed his first wife when she divorced him. He was watching a movie one night with the family, and a woman was being drug across the floor by her hair. All of a sudden he started talking about how he would love to do that to his ex-wife. They had been divorced for 20 years. He makes comments about women that are degrading and horrific in front of the girls. I work nights and he works day's. I talk to them every night until he goes to bed to make sure eveything is okay at home. Just last night, our 15 year old, playfully turned off the speakers to the TV when his favorite video came on. He had already watched that video 2 times that day, and she was just playing. He was so mad at her. He started calling her all types of horrible names and picked up a baseball mit and threw it as hard as he could at her as she was running to her room. She ducked, but hit her foot on the door frame and broke her toe. I told him to grow up and he needed to apologize. He refused and I went to help her. He was still making comments about her the next day, and came home from work to tell her it was her own fault she broke her toes. She shouldn't be doing stupid stuff.
I am trying to decide what to do. I know the honeymoon phase is coming fast. It is so easy to say all is well when we honeymoon. He is that man I fell in love with. I know that only lasts a short while, but in that time we are happy. I feel like a failure if I divorce him, but I can not allow my children to get hurt by his horrific behavior. I feel so spineless and weak, to think I have not left him yet.
I had a sister who was murdered by her abusive boyfriend many years ago. She had left him and was packing to come live with us, when he found her and shot her. My step mom has lived with my abusive father for 32 years and my mom has lived with my abusive step dad for 30 years. If anything happened to me, who would take care of the kids? What if he tried to hurt them to get back at me? You hear this everyday...This is so hard to figure out.
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| lisa - louise@bdgg.com | | Comments - well i first met mark when i was 17, he was a friend of a friend. i had always liked him and was made up wen he asked me out!
we had only been together 3 weeks when he asked me to move into his falt which he shared with a friend.
after we had been together for about 2 months we got a flat of our own, we were both working so money wasnt a problem,
we again moved to a lovely house after we had been together about 6 months.
Mark lost his job, so we were living on just my wages which wasnt loads.
then one night i mentioned that money was a bit tight and that maybe we should look for a one bedroomed flat, he went mad, smashed up the front room and pushed me up against the wall and grabbed me by the throat yelling at me to stop going on at him.
the following day he apolagised saying that he is just stressed out.
i forgave him. stupid me.
eventually we did move to a flat mark still had no job.
one weekend it ws my best friends 21st birthday, she said if i came out she would pay for me.
we were sitting on a pub in town when mark came in, he came straight up to me shouting and swearing about how i shouldnt be out cause we have no money. he head butted me and smashed my head on the bar, the staff in the pub pulled him off me and he ran out the pub.
the police came and took me to the station to make a statement, they took photos of the gash on my head.
mark was arrested later that night.
i was terrofied that when they released him he would come back to our flat and go mad at me and do it again. But when they released him he just phoned me in tears asking to meet me.
so i did.
he was so sorry for what he had done, swearing that it would NEVER happen again.
i belived him.
i took him back.
Things were going ok, mark got offered a really good job as a bar manager and it seemed to cheer him up.
however he started drinking alot, working late.
one night he never returned from work, so i rang his miobile in the morning and a woman answered his phone. she jus started giggleing and hung up the phone.
i was devestated.
i went to his work that afternoon to confront him, he took me outside the pub, we started rowing he punched me twice on the back of my head
i ran away and went back to the falt. again he came home crying saying he was sorry, that nothing happened with her they are jus friends.
me being stupid i believed him.
3 weeks later i found out i was pregnant.
mark was over the moon, i thought it would sort out are problems.
mark left the bar job so he could find a more suitable job.
then one night wen i was 4 months preganant he came home late, he had been at the pub. he turned on me aying he didnt even want this baby, he went into a wild rage, he through me against the wall, grabbed me by my throat and nearly strangled me to death. he split my lip.
again i forgave him.
once whan our daughter was 7 months old we had moved to a little house, both had steady jobs.
but we jus were not getting on. we couldnt have a chat without arguing. he also drunk a hell of a lot.
one night we were having an argument about childcare for our daughter. and he went mad.
our daughter was siiting in her bouncy chair on front of the telly when mark hit me right in front of her and i fell on the floor next to her, she started crying, he then kicked the tv off its stand and it missed her by inches.
thats when i knew it HAD TO STOP.
the neighbours had rung the police, he got arrested.
i moved out that night back to my parents house.
he fractured my rib that night.
i didnt press charegs but i jus ignored the phone calls, the letters, the presents.
he finally gave up
he is not interested in seeing our daughter now, which i dont mind atall. i wouldnt want her to find out what a manipulative bully her father is. |
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| Denise White - dwhite@kpsupply.com | | Comments - I was in a domestice abuse situation for 10 years. My X's friend was the sheriff, (who lost pictures of my bruises and black eyes on 2 separate occasions,) his attorney was a Judge in the same county, and he had a pocketful of money. Having no money for a lawyer, and nowhere to live, (he beat me out of my home and got to stay there with my two young daughters, he was granted temporary custody because I had no place to live! One of my daughters is 12 and has come to live with me, but my youngest is still with him because he won't let go so that he won't have to pay child support! He had a tape recorder on my phone for 10 years, had been married 4 times prior to me and mean to all of his previous wives, but I was unaware of his past. |
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| charley - takeelah@comcast.net | | Comments - first of all when i saw him i thought that i could never have a man that good looking. then he took interest in me and i couldnt believe my luck and i was so thankful to god for having this man want me. now i pray to god to make him go away. i too asked him to move in with me about a year ago. i didnt know that he did hard drugs (meth, coke, etc)(i am not a drug user) he is also an alcoholic. he does all the things ive read about that constitutes a verbal abuser. he has never "hit" me but he has twisted my wrist so hard that it still hurts months later. sometimes when hes drinking he pinches me so hard that i have black and blue marks. he gets mad if i am even 10 min. late coming home from work. and he never believes my reasons for anything. when he was bad into the drugs at one point i was scared for my life and i had to run from my own apt. and hide in the woods for hours. he had my phone so i couldnt call for help and i was afraid to call for help for fear that he would become even angrier. he comes up with such nonsense in his head about things he thinks im "up to". and there is just no reasoning with him...ever. he is extremely critical of everything i do and very critical of others. the list goes on and on and on... he told me that the only way he will leave is if i call the cops. i am afraid to. i am afraid to make him more mad and i dont want to live in a bigger fear. i hate coming home from work. i used to hate my job and now i wish i could stay there all the time. and like everybody says "it's not bad all of the time" but i say if its bad just twice then it's bad completely and it always will be. i think my problem is that i keep thinking that it will get better but it neve does. i have been called names, put down and treated like dirt. my self-esteem has been destroyed. he makes fun of my body and my face but then turns around and tells me that i am beautiful. i want to say that i hate him but thats a sin. i literally cant stand him and feel so trapped. i put on this happy face for my family and friends...they have no idea what goes on. and anytime i go somewhere i am so stressed that if i dont get home right away he will be mad... like i said i could go on and on forever with the things he says and does. what i want to know is how to deal with this and most of all i want to know what makes a person treat another person like this. can that person change for the better? is that possible?? does anybody know? i just want my life back and my freedom and my apt. to myself. |
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| heidi p - manchoo@insightbb.com | | Comments - It would take a whole book to actuly give u my story of abuse.my docotr says i should write a book and someday after i educate myself i will. i know what being molested feels like by people you love. by faimily. i know what being beating feels like for no reason. i know what being raped feels like and no one stoping it. i know what being lies to by your father feels like him leaveing you to go to prision but you still belivjng that when he egts out hes goign to take care of you and get back whoever has hurt you but then gets out 7 years later and hurts you the same way eevryone eles did. shattering your world. i know what eating at soup kitchens feels like eating out of garbage cans feels like, being lolested by eevry father and father figures you have had. i know what it feels like to have a mom as a prostuitte and watching her do it and smoke crack infront of you. i know what it feels like when u need her to go on 7th street just to find her infront of your friends who make fun of them. i knwo what ti fels like to ahve friends say there your best friend but there jelious and all they do is hurt you. when you try to open up to tell them what you have gone through they teel you to your face please dotn tell me that i dont want to hear it. like it wqs noting for me to talk about anyways. no big deal. that hurt them saying that to me more then me teelign them what i beenn thorugh makes me want to never talk about it again. made me fel inberssed and shamed to talk to them about.thats not a friend. well thers a little of what ive gone through heer is how you break free....... this is what happend to me..... i met the lord. me and my husband started goign to church. and i got saved. found a church that i felt the lords presence. i knew him when i ws small he saved me many times i use to meet him in my closette and talk to him cry to him for him to take me away. that was howe i knew him then but when i actuly couls really feel him and see him was when i went to church and asked god into my heart. that was 6 years ago. and the forst 4 or 5 years was off and on back slidding. and it was that way becus ei wasnt healed. i never wanting to let the hirt little girl go. i held on to her. and was alwAYS IN PAIN and angry inside didnt respect my husband at all. my faimily beign around even though they hiurt me i still tried to please them . so they could love me. was always tryign to get them to love me but i was stupid to them. and they would laught at me alot. and try to get me to drink and stuff and cheat on my husband. they didnt like my husband at all , but this past year...... after so many others told me over and over to let my faimily go beacue theer the oens who ahev hirt me abused me. and they livr crazy lifes that the bibble talks abotu and says dont go near them ist the way to hell. i use to get so mad at peolle who would talk abad abotu them. i mean theer my mom and dad and brothers and sisters ect. but one day a year ago i hit rock bottom as in the prson i was hifeing in mye i couldnt hifde anymore the truth was reveled on the things i did. i hurt many many peolle. and i was ashamed. i didnt want to live. i told god lord i dont want to live as me no more please chage me. make me a knew person not a person of my past not a prson who lives out my pain on others i love. it was strange i closed my eyes and i could see my life me being a child and memeores of how inocent i was. then me geting bigger and bihgger and all the things i did the nasty things i did i lived like my mom like i was a hore.i felt so gross at the same time hurt beacsue i didnt undrstnd how people could hurt me so much. but that moment i forgave, and god told me i have to elt them go to pray for them that they will see chage in my and know its real and will want to chage for there selfs. and good will happen. it was hard and it was hard geeting through to them many times. but they finalky left me alone. i ahve grown so much. and no my dad just went to church to hear me sing. and hes goign again. and my brither just left a note on my door saying hes with the lord and he misses me and the kids wants em to call him. to hear my brither say that is awsome. to get my dad in church is awsome lol. so the people that hurt me is all the peolle i love an care abbout. and i had to elarn to forgive, even though i cry all the time and rember and ask why. i still do that but i forgive then thats what god wants us to do. once we do and learn to trust in god . are lifes will eb full of joy. and we wont be hiurt no more. beacsue the lrod will make up for it in so many ways. he will create us to be what he wants us to be. so the point is.......GO TO CHURCH ASK GOD IN YOUR HEART. ASK GOD FOR HALING. AND READ THE BIBBLE BACSUE THATS WHER THE LORD WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. AND THOSE WHO HURT YOU FORGIVE THEM WITH ALL YUOR HEART AND PRAY FOR THEM EVERYNIGHT THAT SOMEHOW SOMEONE WILL TELL THEM ABOUT THE LORD AND THEY WILL BE SAVED AND THEY CAN BE FORGIVEING AND GO TO HEAVEN. YOU KNOW GOD CREATED US ALL WICKED AND NASTY. I WOULD NEVR BE AS SICK AS THOSE WHO WHEER TO ME. BUT WE HAVE TO EB LIEK THE LROD AND LOVE EEVRYONE NOT HATE its oky for us to yell aat god and ask why. i belvie ther is no awnser for that. but one thing is we can learn to trust god to heal us and tale our pain away. and he has treasures for us and rewards. hes just waitng on us. hes the way to healll and change. thank you so much god bless. |
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| jody - jsido35@aol.com | | Comments - im a single mom of a 3 yera old boy....his father cant commit even though he tried i guess......he has taught my son to say bitch to me and has taught my son to make fun of my weight he mentally tortures me with using my son against me......this is still going on to this very second..he picked up my son this weekend and told me hed be back sometime on tuesday when he is ordered to bring my son back on monday...he takes "family trips with whomever the new woman in his life is...he tells my son he has a new mommyI feel like i am losing my mind i wish he would die i grew up in a bad situation and now im watching my son do this i really dont know how to make it stop i cannot take anymore and i mean it |
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| Maureen - thinkinc@telus.net | | Comments - I have long been a very passive, self-effacing woman. I endured a lot of verbal abuse in my relationships, sadly, without it even registering as such. However, the day came when I DECIDED I was simply going to observe what was going on. You see, I could feel something was wrong, but I couldn't name it. And so I listened, and within about a week -- I had tallied up so many nasty comments and insults, that I finally had the concrete evidence I needed. I would simply note them down in my day timer. And when I looked at that list -- there was simply no denying that I was dealing with a verbally abusive person. I looked at that list and thought: would I say these things to someone I cared about? Too embarassed to admit to any of this to my freinds, I simply read from the list one evening and asked: what if someone who cared about you said these things to you? I asked it in a hypothetical way. My two friends looked at me aghast. They both said: no one who cares about someone would say those things. More "objective" evidence. The next nasty comment I was subject to -- I asked him: why did you say that? He said it was a joke. I said: I don't find it funny, I find it degrading. If you want any kind of relationship with me now, or in the future, you better know right now that I will not tolerate being spoken to this way. Of course, he totally ignored me. I brought it up again, the next time we spoke, this time, he tried rationalizing what he was saying, but I didn't budge. I had the evidence, after all. And something truly NEW happened -- I started getting really angry! I could see very clearly how I was being manipulated. I didn't "argue" with him, I simply didn't give an inch. He became increasingly belligerent, and at that point, I knew -- IT WASN'T ME. He wasn't making any sense, he had contradicted himself at every turn, he was clearly -- a jerk. I instantly lost respect for him...and all the self loathing that had been building inside of me was immediately directed at HIM, in my mind. I was angry enough to tell him that I DESERVED to be treated with respect. I said: this isn't negotiable. And this is the thing I needed to know for myself: everyone needs a line, and they need to know what it is, and they need to respect it. It wasn't about me anymore, and it wasn't about him, or his feelings or my feelings: it was about that LINE. It was about RESPECT. I feel really, really good about having ended that relationship. For me - this is nothing short of bizarre. I miss him (I know -- its pathetic, but that's the nature of attatchement) -- but for the first time in my life, I actually feel strong and RIGHT about something. I believe in treating people with respect -- INCLUDING ME!!! |
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| kelly - sdriver70@hotmail.com | | Comments - hiya to everyone
i`m kelly 26yrs now,noy sure where ro start.but hey here i go,it started ,he started my uncle i adored him. mum worked always alone with my worst possible monster,i was 5yrs whenhe first violated,all so hazy just pain,sore,fromthen things got worse when i reached 7yrs i asked not to my worst regret.
he stripped me raped and the badly beat me i was so scared,confused he loved me what had i done.it had by then become daily i creeped pleaded with anyone anything to help save me please,although for then nobody did.
nobody listen to me i allowed this,i was alone cosumed by what at that point i`m not sure.it hurt in so many way.one oarticukar evenin stayin ar my grans,by the always new and allow this he invited a couple of his friends all very drunk,made me strip naked and perform oral sex to his friend i did i knew this would make later easier,s |
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