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Abuse Community Wall

HealthyPlace Abuse Issues Community Wall

NightWolf - NightWolf45@rock.com - 18

Comments - I suffered sexual abuse up until 16, 17 years old but a lot of men. It's screwed up my life real bad, but I learned to write about my pain. Here's a poem thar I wrote: I don't understand how you could come through the dawn's soft gray How you found your way into my rusted world of play The pain you gave I ran away to hide myself from you How can you follow me into the other world I wonder is it all right to cry aloud today Hold me now I'm fallin fast I'm slowly slippin away Call my soul it's hiding out in my snowy world of play The starlight singing a silent night as I fade into the day I am the shadow people fear and I am all alone I stand to fight the darkening day

stephanie - stphnrow@aol.com - 55

Comments - " I can be changed by what happens to me, but I refuse to be reduced by it." God's mercy on MJC.

michelle rogers - shellpolice@aol.com - 26

Comments - i have read most of the wall and i can relate to these other survivors i have only just started surving i was sexualy molested by 3 different males 1 being my father i have also been sef harming..but my managers are keeping watch over that i have promised to stop but i still get the fellings of wanting to hurt myself.....i relive what i went through everyday of my life..now i have 2 little girls to protect....non of my family know what hapened and i could never tell them....all i know is that they will never suffer like i did.

Jenny Peters - Angels2StpSxAbse@aol.com - 39

Comments - You can have a healty life (even sex) after being sexually abused. I was abused from age 5 to age 16 and survived it emotionally, mentally and physically...If I can do it anyone can!! The truth shall set you free..

Alice - wacalice@aol.com - 58

Comments - Today is my birthday (9/29), also the anniversary of being voted out of a 31-year church membership because I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse. My name was put up on a large screen in church, followed by the words: CONDUCT UNBECOMING A CHILD OF GOD. My website: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...was the result; faith-based poems for anyone suffering..from anything.survived emotional, physical abuse and molestation as a child; now helping others as a result. Feel free to contact me...expert in verbal (emotional) abuse. Love to all....overcomer and wounded-healer (wacalice@aol.com)

nichole - n4102000@yahoo.com - 34

Comments - I to was abused as a child by numerous members of my family. I never spoke out, living in shame even to this day.The pain and horror feels as if it happened yesterday. I went on in my life, married a man that continued to abuse me. Now having children of my own, the horror, nightmares hell we endured has spilled over to my own child. I can't cry in front of you for the shame is so great. I can only love you, because we are no longer mother and child, we are soul mates! I recall my own pain, as I wipe your tear stained face, and I wonder why god has created this place. The blackness I hold in my soul, is swalloning my life as I try and push back my own demons to help you my child. Together side by side, one small step at a time we both will survie!!!

Sharyn Collis - bethune090@hotmail.com - 45

Comments - Keep the spirit's up it keeps the iner demons out.Freedom does come I've heard.When the pain goes.A long road.

Vicky - VICKYLOUISE14@hotmail.com - 17

Comments - I can never tell any one what I've been through, but I can give advice and a friendly ear to anyone who needs it. What I will say is: I've come through the abuse I've suffered and am stronger because of it. I used to kid myself everything was my fault, now I know it wasn't. I'm strong and although sometimes I want to give up fighting I never will because I know I can survive anything that's thrown at me now. Don't give up the fight. All my love and support. Vicky xxx

Lana - bluebell2000@juno.com - 22

Comments - I was raped every night in my backyard by a neighbor from the time I was four till the time I was eleven. I was used by a cult in abusive rituals towards animals and towards other children. I was used for child pornography on several occasions by a babysitter. But I am alive, and what's more, I actually like being alive. I've found happiness amidst the pain. I've been in therapy for the last six years, one session every week. I may have to be in therapy for a long time yet. I just wanted to say that it's worth it. Struggling through the pain, reliving horrendous experiences that I'd repressed, nightmares, crying, pain....it's worth it. There is more to life than pain,and if you keep working through your stuff you'll get there, little by little.

annJones - - 32

Comments - I was abused by a nun from 10 till 12. made to take Pants down and be spanks and then just be fingered.

annJones - - 32

Comments - I was abused by a nun from 10 till 12. made to take Pants down and be spanks and then just be fingered.

Bev - riversweettaurus2000@yahoo.com.au - 51

Comments - The journey in life doesnt ever end, I have suffered emotional abuse all my life, from my father married to an abusive alcoholic husband for 26 years, separated 3 years, 3 adult children, both sons abused by father, now making a life on my own, gradually dealing with past,

Bev - riversweettaurus2000@yahoo.com.au - 51

Comments - have also been sexually abused from age of 15,

Melody - melody_jensen@hotmail.com - 43

Comments - My heart aches, when I see name after name, that has been written on this wall. Yet, I find comfort in knowing that we are speaking out, were finding the voice we may of lost along the way, telling who and what has hurt us. I have been suffering the effects of abuse since I was 6 years old, with incest, sexual abuse, and date rape.

Patience Eynon - armybrat_09 - 17

Comments - I have been physically abused since I was little. I have not yet had a chance to get away from my home but then when i think about it i really have a choice. I could turn my father in for it but I am to scared to. well at first i started to run away and then the police came after me and told me that if i run away again that i would have to go to a detention center. then i told them that my father abused me and they didn't do anything about it. well then i thought that there was no hope left. but there always is and people that are abused have to realize that. "When you are being abused sexually, physically or emotionally there is always a way out!"

Patience Eynon - armybrat_09 - 17

Christy - cgrubaug@umich.edu - 21

Comments - I don't think there is an end to this. As any Zen Master would say, this is not an obstacle on my path, this is my path. My path was to be treated like a slave and a whore for six years of my hellish teenage life, and for every moment of my hell to be swept under the rug by my dysfunctional family. I have trouble being angry about it. I tend to turn the anger inward on myself. But being in the moment helps, not running away from the pain helps, not hating the depression helps. My path. If nothing else, it's taught me so much. Today I ran a bubble bath and cried and cried and cried, and all I could think was, "Wow, you are invinceable. Your tragic fate is to run this aching marathon every day of your life, but you have the powerful transformation of love. Suffering is universal." I wish I could be so wise every day. At any rate, I cherish that.

Destiny - pentagrams_r_me@yahoo.com - 14

Comments - My mom is such a bitch to me she tells me that I don't belong that she shouldn't have had me. I've run away many times and have been sexually active since I was 11. She wonders why I am the way I am, why I am so dark and evil. I practice witch craft and it kills her. I do it because I can't love her and I'm trying to make up for the lost affection. EMAIL ME PLEASE!!! I've even written suicide notes. I am a cutter. I've turned to alcohol and drugs in the past. I am afraid I will kill myself.

pip - pip_147@hotmail.com - 20

Comments - It's not easy to live my life this way It's not easy to get through every day All i have to look forward to tommorrow Is more pain suffering and sorrow How can i keep going through time When all i feel is like slime I feel so gross just like dirt And all i can feel is pain and hurt Why must my mind keep going back And making me feel that all is black

Traci Niemela - shawntraci69@yahoo.com - 35

Comments - I am looking for a poem called lets get this straight i found it last year on Ivette630 cant seem to get there so any help would be apperciated i want this so i can use it in the class i will be teaching about domestic violneve iam also a survivior. and now volunteer at the local shelter teaching a class.

shaunyb - shaunyb1961@yahoo.co.uk - 43

Comments - This man was big, this man was strong, I tried to tell him it was wrong. He always told me it was right, I begged him not to come tonight. Somesones comfort I would seek, but still they would not let me speak. Always me he'd taunt and tease, someone hear me, help me please. I try to run but cannot hide, I wish someone was on my side. He pushed so hard he made me bleed, I hate the man who made be bleed. He'd look at me and he would brag, he used me as a punshing bag. It made me feel it should not be, to feel this man inside of me. I tried so hard to repent, maybe its my punishment. The hurt, the pain, the fear inside, it hurt so much I cried and cried. Is this the way that it should be, I wish someone would comfort.

Questionings - Questionings@hotmail.com - 19/20

Comments - It says put a short quote but when youve gone thru some ish like this, how could you be 'short and sweet'? It's a freakin joke man. Well what do I have to say? Ive been blessed. I cant deny that. Ive seen God in my life. Ive seen God ... but dammit God I still hurt. I dont know what to do. My life is held together by a weak, thinning string. If I dont do something (or change something), yo, im going to be screwed. Im not sure if I want to be normal but I want to have friends. If I cant have friends I want to be able to have a real, meaningful conversation from time to time. Im tired of this fake shit. I want to be married. I want to have it all like it is in the movies, but I know that isnt real, so I dont want that. I want something better. I want a husband who loves me. He chooses to love me. I choose to love him. We arent crazy in love (like B), or in any other destructive, superficial type of love. I want to be able to say, 'We gots luv for eachother' and then simply smile. I want that type of love, that simple type of love. I think that is the strongest type of love. But Im afraid. Im afraid of life, even though I act like Im tough. Im afraid of men. Im afraid to be touched. Im afraid to talk. Im embarassed to talk. Man I could have the world if I wanted ... but there is just something that is holding me back. I need someone who understands ... questionings@hotmail.com

Bernice Jepson - Jeper0077@yahoo.com - 48

Comments - Hello, Am a newly published author whose book deals with child abuse, child molestation, and domestic violence. I have gotten four national endorsements for my book; one is from the National Defense Foundation for Children USA and the second is with the organization Silent Witness which was founded by the late Sheila Wellstone, wife of the late Senator Paul Wellstone. The third is with Prevent Child Abuse Minnesota and I have been invited to participate in their annual Authentic Voice workshop conference held at the state capital in St. Paul Minnesota on April 28th 2005. I received this invitation from Connie Skillingstad the Executive Director. The fourth is from the National Sexual Violence Resource Center that is based in Enola, PA. I have several personal endorsements for my book, to name a couple; one is from the prominent Dr. Robert Stone the leading PT-SD expert in the United States, and a news reporter Jana Shortal from KARE 11 in North Dakota. I have heard from as far away as Israel with a positive endorsement from a Mrs. Modai and she is with an organization called WIZO which takes a stand against domestic abuse issues. I have had interviews with 3 different newspapers during the month of Oct 2004. I finished four radio interviews all are on the air now. The first was with WWJC out of Duluth Minnesota which aired Dec 3rd. and the second was with Niambi Jarvis CEO, Founder - Hiyaah Power Inc. from Richmond Virginia which aired Dec 9th and is able to be heard at this link, my book will be on their website with ordering information, the third was Jan 10th with Northland Morning Magazine an ABC affiliate. The fourth was KDAL with Shelly on Jan 28th 2005. Women�s Radio that is based in Oakland, CA www.womensradio.com will be offering their support for getting the word out about my text. I have an offer to do a radio show out of New York on abuse issues called Anything Goes. It is New York�s educational channel. I have a Christian radio broadcast station in England called the Flame wanting a possible interview. I�m in the process of getting a time locked down for both. I�m now writing for the Ohio Homicide Victims Organization on a regular basis as a writer. They also have my book listed on their website .I�m on the Peace Clinic�s websites with my text. Peace Clinic is an organization that works to promote peace and has offices nationally and internationally. I have just received the Peace Clinic�s 2005 Award. I have been in Smart Women Magazine with a write up about my book. I will be working with a local organization that deals with abuse issues as an advocate and that is with the Lakes Crisis Center in Detroit Lakes Minnesota. I will be a presenter at their annual fund raiser V-Day in March. A copy of my book will be going into the library of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children the Jacob Wetter ling Foundation. There can not be enough light shone on this subject. My book is listed with Barnes and Noble, Amazon. Com and can be found on an additional 23 sites. This text has just been released. I know I have something pretty special or I wouldn't have all these endorsements from well known people willing to put their names on it. One person can make a difference and I won�t quit trying till I do. I�m looking for ways to help others, promote my book and get my mission going which is prevention of abuse in children and adults. All I ask is a little of your time. I would like Healthyplace Radio contact me about a possible interview. I apologize trying to contact them this way but I have made several attempts via the regular route. Bernice Jepson - Author of �I�m not that way anymore" Publish America 2004 16117 440th Ave Frazee MN 56544 218-334-4284 corinthians57@loretel.net Date: Tue, 12 Oct 2004 12:58:58 -0500 To: "Bernice Jepson" Subject: RE: Copy of book. I did and read it over the weekend...very powerful and well done. I am keeping your contact info in my file in case we do have a chance to get it into a news story. At this time I can't tell you we will or will not, a news event would have to occur that would make it relevant to do a story on.Nevertheless it is very good and I wish you well. Jana DR ROBERT RICH M.Sc., Ph.D. WRITER AND EDITOR L. P.O. Box 214 Healesville 3777 Victoria, Australia Phone (03) 5962 3875 ABN 82 164 557 417 email: bobrich@bobswriting.com web site: http://bobswriting.com 31st October, 2004 Dear Bernice, Clearly, your story is well worth the telling. There are lessons in your book that many people need, and I want to help you to get the message out. Society has a crying need for the kinds of changes you personally managed to achieve. It is not right for one person to mistreat abuse and traumatize another, and it is particularly wrong for a parent to do that to his own child. I hope your story will be part of the push toward a saner society. Dear Ms. Jepson, I have reviewed your book and found it to be a compelling story. My suggestion would be to continue to offer it to outlets like the Center for Missing and Exploited Children, as a resource. As far as commercial sales - I would not be able to comment on that outside of your publisher. It seems that the message is so specific - it ought to be tailored to those who need to read such an account, right here, right now. My advice would be to make sure organizations which deal with all the things you have gone through in your life - are aware that your story is out there - and that you could make copies available. They could then offer them online - or through their organization. I used to do certain types of video tapes and sent them to store where I knew I would get the specific target audience. I wasn't looking to make money - just get the story out to those who would appreciate it and be meaningful to. Please let me know the other reception you have received. Dick Russ Managing Editor WKYC-TV (NBC) Cleveland, Ohio 216-344-3410 DickRuss@wkyc.com Dear Mrs. Jepson, I wish to confirm receipt of your email message. The endorsements that you attached were very interesting and this subject Is indeed a world wide phenomenon. Our Organization deals with these Problematic issues that you write about. I have tried to purchase your Book here in Israel, but was not successful. I have spoken to my American Colleagues who said that they had read it and it was excellent. I wish you lots of success. Honorary President World WIZO WIZO: Women's International Zionist Organization for an Improved Israeli Society -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PeaceNet is the newsletter of The PeaceClinic - features a new Book to Help Child Abuse Victims called I'm not that way anymore, written by Bernice Jepson The PeaceClinic "World Peace Begins At Home" Date: 11-18-2004 To: Kerry Museus Subject: Bernice Jepson Hi Kerry, You are in total alignment with the goals of the PeaceClinic! Thank you for your continued work as an advocate for abused and neglected people with no voice in the world. Looks like you have found a special new author in Minnesota. I must get the book myself. Please feel free to send my thanks to the Bernice Jepson and let her know I will follow through with all of your suggestions in these memos to promote her mission and her book. I will work with you this week. Love and Peace, Chloe ---------- Chloe Joquel Founding Director The PeaceClinic 448 S. Canyon Drive, #6 Oceanside, CA 92054 peaceclinic@att.net Phone: (760) 967-3984 "World Peace Begins At Home" And And And --- �� wrote: From: �� To: 'Bernice Jepson' Subject: RE: Author on abuse please read. Date: Sun, 19 Dec 2004 09:25:27 +0200 Dear Mrs. Jepson, I tried to get the book publishers, But got their internet page with no contact address. Mrs. Modai read your book and said it was very Interesting and important but Since WIZO is working on prevention of domestic violence and battered women, We have a great deal of material in Hebrew which is being distributed in this country. We will not undertake to translate a book such as yours. She Thanks you very much for sending it to her, and she Is giving it to the Special committee for prevention of violence. Mrs. Modai wishes you lots of success and all the Best Carmella, Secretary to Mrs. Modai (she is not in The office now and wont be Back till mid January) Bernice, Thanks so much for writing to Silent Witness about your new book on child abuse and domestic violence. It seems that you have some wonderful interest and that many people will read it. I'm pleased that you had the courage to write this book we all need to hear the stories and find ways to heal these difficult family issues. We will put an announcement of your book along with the web contacts in our newsletter. I hope it helps you reach a larger audience. Thanks again for contacting us - Janet Hagberg Dear Bernice: Thank you for sending us your dream about helping to fight abuse by promoting your book "I'm not that way anymore". This is a cool dream and we encourage you to work towards it. No Opportunity Wasted is currently between seasons. We have your e-mail address on file and will contact you if there will be a second season of NOW on "The Discovery Channel." You�re NOW Team! Dear Bernice, I did receive the material and read through it. It is also a fast read. Too many children are currently raised by abusive parents -- everything from verbal abuse to physical abuse. And then there's the abuse by relatives, nighbors, teachers and other children -- as you pointed out in your book. The truth is that regardless of the amount of therapy or spiritual enlightenment, some scares become the fabric of our personality. If we want a better world; we have to take 100% responsibility for loving ourselves 100%-- and then those who are near us and then those who are further away from our circle. Sharing your story is certainly one way to reach out to those who are further away form that inner circle. I would like to use it as one of the books to read in a series of articles that we are writing now about Ending Abuse, and we will be happy to review it in our "Author" Section at Women Radio. Pat Lynch CEO, W.O.M.E.N. 2121 Peralta Street, Suite 138 Oakland, CA 94607 Tel: 510-891-0006 ext. 225 Fax: 510-891-0003 Email: pat@womensradio.com No Opportunity Wasted Buzzle Staff Editor, 11/6/2004 1:18:00 PM Comments on "No Opportunity Wasted" Name Views and Comments amm.01@netzero . NOW Book I highly recommend it for the starting of the year 2005 Book Bernice Jepson - Author of "I�m not that way anymore" Publish America 2004 16117 440th Ave Frazee MN 56544 218-334-4284 corinthians57@loretel.net Very touching, and I am glad you have seen God and are telling your story. The only thing was....I did not like the line where you said "If any two people in the world should never had children..." That is just wrong and mean. It is totally against Christian teaching. Your parents had children because God willed it. If you weren't born, you would never have been able to write this book to try to help people...worse yet...you would never have been born. You would never have had a chance, a chance to live, a chance to love God. No matter how bad someone's life....it would never be better if they were never born. God Bless You, Mike - Seven Sorrows www.sevensorrows.com "and you yourself a sword will pierce" Luke 2:35 Dear Bernice, Thank you for sharing your writing with us at Prevent Child Abuse Minnesota. I want to applaud your courage in writing of your experiences. We have learned how important telling our stories is to our healing process. You might be interested to know that there is a national group called Authentic Voices that is primarily survivors of child abuse and neglect and a number of them have written books. Their goal is to help end child abuse and neglect of all kinds through using their voices and stories. Three members of our Speakers Bureau here in Minnesota have written books or booklets and one is an artist and used her art as therapy. She now shares that art when we go out to speak. Our Speakers Bureau of people who go out and talk about child abuse and neglect and the importance of prevention consists of about 20 survivors plus others who care about children. You are in good company. We will be having an Authentic Voice workshop session at our state conference on April 28th. If you might be interested in participating, please let me know and we can discuss. We wish you all the very best. May God continue to bless you and your healing. Connie Skillingstad Executive Director - Prevent Child Abuse Minnesota 1821 University Ave. West, Suite 202S St. Paul, MN 55104 cskillingstad@pcamn.org (651)523-0099 fax (651)523-0380 Editor Of Smart Women Magazine January 8, 2005 I received an email from Bernice Jepson, a newly published author looking to promote the prevention of physical and verbal abuse. I have had the opportunity to read her book, "I'm Not That Way Anymore" and I have to say that Mrs. Jepson is an inspiration to the many women who experience any form of physical or verbal abuse. I recommend this book because it shows how abuse experienced at a young age can affect one long into their adult years, at both a physical level as well as a neurological level (mentally). I have posted her letter to me and endorsements for her book below. I will also cover her book in more detail at a project site in support of Women Against Verbal Abuse at STOP! VerbalAbuse.com Hi Bernice. Thank you for sending the book. It is always beneficial To hear experiences and have additional resources to know about for Victims and advocates who contact us. The book will be included in the online library database, along with an informative abstract and ordering information. If relevant to specific requests, requestors contacting us will be referred to you for purchase. Thank you for sharing the manuscript. All the best in your publishing efforts. Beth M. Transue, MLS Librarian National Sexual Violence Resource Center 123 N Enola Dr, Enola, PA 17025 (877) 739-3895, (717) 909-0710 x109 Fax: (717) 909-0714 btransue@nsvrc.org http://www.nsvrc.org

Paula - pjadler40@gwi.net - 40

Comments - i wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away,i wrote your name in the sand,But the waves washed it away, I wroye your name in my Heart and for ever it will stay!

Paula - pjadler40@gwi.net - 40

Comments - i wrote your name in the sky, but the wind blew it away,i wrote your name in the sand,But the waves washed it away, I wroye your name in my Heart and for ever it will stay!

Bec - bec26a@bigpond.com - 27

Comments - For my lost childhood

Lisa - troubledtruth@yahoo.co.uk - 18

Comments - Everytime I think I'm on my way to recovery something new brings me down again. I refuse to live like this and I will get through it, eventually.

Catherine - Baloha9@charter.net - too old for this

Comments - He is so afraid I will require that he llow me to have a friend, he has made arrangements with the rental company to come and get my ONLY outlet My computer

Halen - vgh0717@msn.com - 17

Comments - Find yourself, and know who you are, it helps to put the past behind you!

Haley D. Chaney - GreenDaY4202@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - I have suffered all my life. I've been beaten down and broken for as long as I can remember. All I've learned is that in the end, all I'll ever have is me. I don't think I've ever felt more alone.

Kaity - nikkipoolover2@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - I thought it would never happen to me. But that awful nightmare came true.The look in his eyes made me shudder. I've never seen this before. I prayed to god not to let this get out of hand. God wan't on my side that day...when i needed him the most. But maybe I wasn't the only one who was praying as hrd as someone else. Yes, i was raped by the man i love. But many don't believe. But trustme-if you can-who would lie about something so serious? I don't want the attention and i don't need you to feel sorry. All i need is for you to understand that when you are raped. you lose a part of you. The man i love is playing a childish game. My emotions aren't a toy. And one day, he'll see, you get no where in life by pretending.I still hurt inside and i need a lot of help. But don't worry-you'll see. i'll climb over the mountain and learn to trust again.

Kasee - Kc4jesus@aol.com - 14

Comments - Im jumpin in so here i go..Dont stop me now im lower than low.."i want you gone" you did demand..well guess what mom..your wish is my command..i need to leave the time is near.."you want it so you got it" i say while wiping away the tear..i hope your happy when im gone..i hope you find love while im all alone..lying asleep in that cold dirty grave..dead to my pain i tried to be brave..so i grip the knife tight in my hand..i better sit down im too weak to stand..im fading fast my blood is running low..but just one thing before i go..mom i love you and i always will...its just too bad that your actions led to my kill....

Leo - hoops1933@cs.com - 71

Comments - My wife and I are working hard to raise the awareness level of the Public to Child abuse in all its forms. It is a lonely battle because the Public chooses to wear blinders and refuses to believe that abuse is rampant in our society. We are raising 3 children who were severely abused, physically, emotionally, and sexually. Fifteen years later they are still in therapy. We may be able to adopt yet another abused child soon. Education is the key to eradicating abuse and you the survivors can be an instrument of change. We must educate our children in school to be good parents. We must punish the perpetrators and then order counseling for them AFTER removing any children still in the "home". We must get counseling for you and you must accept that your life will change for the better when you WANT IT TO CHANGE. We must educate the general public to the fact that abuse takes place every moment of every day and that only they can break the chain of abuse. So many of you have been robbed of your youth. You will never be young again but you can not only survive, you can get better, and with your knowledge and new understanding of the problem of abuse you can be an instrument of change for the betterment of this world. Let your life be a legacy of good. Leo Alvarez

- - 17

Comments - fed up with the people who think "guys dont get raped"...what the hell do they know? saw one post on the wall, it was a women bashing guys and saying that guys who were abused were liars...fuck them. the women was a counselor from a shelter too. fed up with being misunderstood...can't trust anybody...

LindieSteele - steelesweet1@yahoo.com - 35

Comments - A mother, I will never know, because she did not protect me from my father or my brother. She beat me and only made it worse. A father, I will never know, because he touched me in ways that made me panic, cry and feel sick. A brother, I will never know, because of the ways he made me do things, without my clothes on, for him and his friends. My husband, I thought I knew him well enough....he raped me, beat me and tormented my mind. He took his own life, but the others, the others are still alive. My co-workers and acquaintences, they don't understand why my child and I do not have Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day....any day at all....with any "family." They even encourage me to call my family members up and try to "make good." They don't understand.....I cannot do this...not with predators who lie about having done anything to ever hurt me. Friends? I have very few. Why? No one gets me.

Brittany - shimmeyonover@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - many times life has to get worse before it gets better

Linda - angel1986devil@aol.com - 37

Comments - At the age of about 8 or 9 I was severly raped in every way. I hurt bad and it has takin a toll on my life as an adult. I can't cope with it...

Elizabeth Lord - elizabeth_lord2001@yahoo.com - 22

Comments - I am a Survivor of Physical and Sexual abuse.

guleed - - 16

Comments - You can make it, just hang on there! my e-mail is : abdi_abdir@hotmil.com incase you want to talk

shelley thompson - oh_honey_00@hotmail.com - 14

Comments - i was raped by a 20 yr old local man at 12, i cant find a site that focuses enough on what can happen to the victim after the rape aside from the emotional trauma, the misconceptions and judging from the community. ive been beaten up, stalked, and get daily death threats from the girls who are friends with this man..this has gone on endlessly for over 2 years and i've been in hospital after attempting to commit suicide, im just lucky im getting out of this town in a few weeks.. but its taken over 2 years and ill never be the same. my life became a real life nightmare, please focus more on this scenario. thankyou, please.. please

abderisak - - 17

Comments - You can make it, dont let the evils of ignorant people ever reach you. ^^ "Show forgiveness, enjoin the good, and turn away from the foolish" [Koran 7.199]

who cares anymore - wanderingslug@aol.com - ancient

Comments - I am doing this as I can I may make mistakes and error however I am at the end of my pretense of a life Im someone who grew up with very little care.Along with the sexual abuse perped by my own sibling>who btw is now a female> I inherited my depressive illness I never told anyone until my second husband divorced me He needed to I dont hate the man for anything . I didnt have a clue to what was really wrong with me Oh I knew the sexual abuse was internally killing me off because I did nothing to help myself I wasnt prepared for the loss of my home and children over it . That was the ultimate .Not being able to be mom anymore because someone fkd my life up so severly that I lacked the sense to see what I was doing . Destroying myself took on new victimes My own children and a marriage I never have had anything 'normal' I walked throught out life being dark and deep inside while pretending to be nothing of the kind inside It cost me everything Including my own self . Been through many years of therapy .What I learned about myself would make one consider telling another dont get into it .You wont like it For me I learned I do not have the skills to love properly I apparently dont know how to trust nor take that leap of faith in the correct manner I try not dating or being involved because I feel so toxic . Then feel badly because I am this messedup emotionaly Again I SAY good bye to love.The man I am currently staying with because I took the leap of faith and belived in him that he would help me overcome and care about me .did not all the while I was involved with him he harbored love for another he left behind in life Not to mention I belived he was diffrent because he is diasbled in his own fashion > Did not mind he cannot have children nor did I mind he has an ostomy bag Didnt look handsome nor is he macho See I looked at this last person as a person first for once in my entire life Not what he had to offer me to help me survive I belived I had come along way from the scars abuse gave me inside I belived again a man with such problems of his own would be more compassionate He isnt I let myself into this mess And Im dammd if I am going to stay in life anymore My physical self is run down I personally belive the lifestyle of"fight and flight" has destroyed my stomach with the adrenaline buzz I put it under each day trying to want to stay in the moment and or picking up and starting over the emotional stress for years is so bad for our bodies Ojoy I have tried the GOD stuff too God cannot make this go away If he were able too WHY IS THE WORLD SUCH A MESS? c my sexual abuser lives a new life free of any problems now She it he or what eever never had to go thru ten years of therapy only to find out who they are and mostly who they are not I am tired of hearing you will learn to live with past eventually How can one when ones future is so vastly affected by who they are in past Dont tell me to leave it behind me o how I wish I were able too It never stays there . It roars its ugly head when ever I try to have a relationship sexually with man I cannot. Nor do I seek alternative life of sexuality I am not a gay woman Just someone who is been harmed by many men I have been beaten ...abused verbally my self insulted with words that cut like blades to be told it only hurts if you let it . pft Those who say such things like "get over it" and you choose this " are people who will never able to feel what pain this is about Im done with life I see that because of this disability I shall continue to falter and fall roadside as I type this I again now have to pick up my life such as it is and move again again with nothing or no one alone ..I havent anyone in my life that would help carry me thru this journey in real time so Im dumping this somewhere when I AM DEAD maybe somene will hear this and see how much real difficulty it truely really is to struggle in lfe with the scars and shame There is no place here that will allow me to stay for ever and live there is no place here for me I live on disability because of my background the illness and the abuse has left me dysfunctional so much so I cannot handle stressed filled environment I have no degree nor do I have the energy to persue one any longer I tried once before to attend a college only to be told the credits were not transferable to the local Uni I didnt have alot of time I figured why bother anyhow Im SAD to be stuck here in Florida but scared to move on out of here because of my son and daughter who live with dad.He is great provider but he lacks compassion. Another winner in my game of life My children are ok and FOR THAT IM VERY GRATFUll but for life I am no longer interested in it I refuse to contact any one any more for help I havent the ability do so anymore Ijust want out More than anything I would of loved to see this world change how they deal with sexualabuse of anykind Formyself I would of loved to taken everything away from my "it" brother and see how he .she .would be able to cope and walk away with the monies to live the rest of life alone I wish for all those who endure my very best your stronger than I ever was IF YOU CAN FIND AWAY TO FIND CLOSURE YOUR LUCKY there is no justice for the victimes of sexual child abuse we are often left alone to cope as we age with very litttle chance of real help I am tired I thank all of you here for allowing me to post this TY

Patricia Nichols - trishaluv@hotmail.com - 27

Comments - This poem was written for my father, who no matter how many times I tell him what I went through, he blocks it out, and forgets it. Reveal to me no disclosure that may blacken bright sweet sun, Only spin for me the fairy tales you lived- those years of innocent fun, Any dark secrets, I shall quickly discard and forget the sadden tale, To get through to me daughter, it is destined you to always fail. Do you remember that I too played a purposeful most hideous part, In the raping and pilaging of your precious innocent heart, So please don't stand right there and cry, you are blocking my fantasy, You will never get the nightmare to stretch enough to reach me.

Nancy Richards - healandforgive@yahoo.com - 47

Comments - After a horrifying life of abuse, the severing of all ties with my family of origin and living many years in tortured silence, I was finally able to heal and forgive. Heal and Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse with a foreword by Rev. Marie M. Fortune, chronicles my story of abuse, my struggle to heal and forgive and ultimately guides the reader through the necessary steps to achieve forgiveness in the face of abuse. I�d like to support others on their journey by sharing my story and my book. For more info, endorsements and survivor/reader reviews: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1577331583 and http://www.bluedolphinpublishing.com/HealForgive.html I hope my book frees and empowers many survivors. Warm regards, Nancy

Bernice Jepson - Jeper0077@yahoo.com - 48

Comments - Article that is going in Stop It Now Minnesota by me . Tomorrow�s Children by Bernice Jepson author of �I�m not that way anymore� Publish America 2004 I�m a published author on issues regarding maltreatment of children and women. My book covers child abuse, child molestation, and domestic violence. The main core to my mission is prevention. We as a nation need to get back to some old fashioned parenting. I mean where we show love and understanding to our children and not be so quick to administer corporal punishment when a child doses something to be reprimanded for. I have been in contact with some very remarkable people since I have started this mission against abuse and one such person is a police detective with a child protective unit in Virginia. He had some very basic advice for parents. Care enough for your child�s well being to dig into their lives and see what you turn up. Know whom their spending their time with and have curfews set so they know someone will be checking in on them. Have talks with them about the use of drugs and alcohol. Set up controls on your TV and computers so your children will not be able to view inappropriate material. An ideal move would be to take TVs, computers and put them in the family room so parents can do spot checks as to what is being viewed. Put controls or locks on both these items and no it is not an invasion of their rights it is just to protect them from a hostile world and predators. He went on to say there is one area that has gotten especially hard for him and that is tracking down child molesters. The detective said in the old days these individuals used to hang out in schoolyards, libraries and ballparks where they could be spotted more easily. Now child predators have gone into the vast under world of the Internet. Children often protect the predator�s identities upon being discovered claming that these child molesters are the only ones that really care about them and understand them. The reason for this rationalization is child predators feed these children what they want to hear. Another detective in the war against child sexual terrorism uses a different kind of method to catch these deviants. He goes on various chat rooms depicting himself as a young girl or boy and when approached by a sexual predator he arranges meetings and apprehends them. This child protective officer recommends the same advice as the first. Be persistent in gaining knowledge of your children�s lives. He stated that there are a lot of instances when children do not come out alive after their encounter with these predators. I my self am a product of a very dysfunctional home. My Father was a child abuser, child molester, and a domestic abuser. My Mother was the perfect co-dependent. She never confronted my Dad at any time about his abusive behaviors toward her or us children. I did not tell a soul what was happening to my family or I at my Father�s hands. I felt I owed my Father something because he was just that he was my father. Another thing I was afraid of is what would the authorities do if I made these facts about my father known. For instance would they remove my siblings or I from our home perhaps even remove my father? I felt we surly would not be able to survive without him. I realize that now after becoming an adult and trying to clean up my past it�s a whole lot harder than if I would have stepped forward when I was younger and said something then about my Fathers abusive behavior. My family and I would have been a lot better off if we would have had the courage to let the facts be made publicly known. We not only could have survived with out that dysfunctional person in our household but we would have thrived. My main point to children is no matter whom is doing something to make you feel afraid, hurt, or uncomfortable step forward and tell someone you can trust and keep projecting until someone hears you. I have PTSD, which means post traumatic stress disorder due to the trauma inflicted on my mind. Essentially that means I have flash backs of posttraumatic events that play over and over in my mind. I do not have any control over what is played or when. It�s not like on a DVD player where you choose what you see. No, these disorder doses not just happen to wartime vets. This might happen to anyone that has had serious enough trauma take place in his or her life. The key word prevention is not a word that can not be repeated enough. To sum it up child abuse no matter where it is happening or could happen it is a whole lot easier to clean up at the beginning or preferably stop it from happening at all. Children are a gift from God and if your not religious then children are a gift, take care of them.

selina - selie_vasquez_latina@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I can get through the sexual, physical, emotional, and verbal abuse including rape. I wont let it control me any more. I am determined to get my life back no matter what it takes.

heather - chcjd26@aol.com - 29

Comments - it so sad too see all these names....i always felt so alone could never tell anyone my secret...i was abused from 6 to 13...my past is such a blurr...until one day i met my angel (husband) who i shared my secret w/ i was so scared embaressed and afraid he would look at me different...but he did not he held me so close and said it is not your fault....it just ruined me meantaly but i have 3 beautiful children and i will never let it happen to them the way it happened to me

Andi - andigirlwku@yahoo.com - 22

Comments - I'm 22 years old and have suffered from the affects of sexual and emotional abuse since I was 2 years old. I've been sexually abused by 5 different men and emotionally abused by my mother until just 4 years ago. I constantly have nightmares and unwanted sexual feelings. Just now, have I began having flash backs and an exaggerated amount of anger and frustration. I've been crying everyday almost and have taken a number of antidepressants and anti anxiety medication. I don't know what else to do and I'm so aggrivated right now; that's why I'm on this stupid thing. lol. I don't know who to turn to or what to say to anyone else. I don't know where to find a really good counselor in my area of Lexington, KY and I'm at my witts end. If anyone has some advice please let me know. I just want to be able to cope with my hurt and move on with my life. I don't want this ruin anything else that my life might have to offer me. I'm still looking for a brightside to the end of this dark road.

Tina - WholeECow1@aol.com - 34

Comments - One day I was young, You made me feel old. It wasn't my time, It was a crime. My youth is gone, It is there no more. You took that away, Without an ounce of your pain. I have suffered, You have moved on. I live with the guilt, You live with none. I can't get it back, You have taken it all.

laura sadler - lauraemma@hotmail.co.uk - 21

Comments - I have been through sexual abuse since i was about 8yrs until 20years by my father. i have suffered mental ill health for a long time. No doctor has said i was 'insane'. Though my family now think i am as i have disclosed about my abuse. My parents bring up my liitle girl who is 2yrs in October, though social services know i have been abused by him, they say they have 'things' in place to protect her. I am devesatated every day. My family don't want me and i now get to see my daughter every saturday for 2 hours. Funny thing is when i wasn't at home last year social services wanted my daughter with me. I would l;ike to speak to anyone out there who has been through abuse or had there children taken off them because they self harm etc. I KNOW AND FEEL THERE ARE SURVIVOURS EVERYWHERE. we need to keep our heads high and speak the truth!Please email me at; lauraemma@hotmail.co.uk. Keep smilin.

cas - casstheboss@yahoo.co.uk - 22

Comments - years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse, until i left my abuser; it didn't stp there. he tells everyone im insane. if i ever was mad, it was because he made me that way! he liked me that way. controllable. you are all so very strong, and it does get better. i dont know how, its a mystery, but it does; no dream, however bad, can last forever.

cindy - - 46

Comments - you cannot die if you are already dead. pain can not hurt if you are not there. the worst secret to keep is the one you keep from yourself.

Cheryl - sweet_girl_9_28@yahoo.com - 21

Comments - I was molested by a boy 6 years older than me for years starting when I was about 5. Then when my brother caught him, instead of protecting me, he joined in. I tried to tell my parents, but they didnt' believe me. I lived with the shame and blame for too long. I'm done. I have been cheated out of my childhood, my innocence, and my peace of mind. I will no longer let them control my happiness. I find myself wondering what I could have been if this hadn't been hanging over my head for so long, but i read a quote recently that makes me feel better...it's never too late to be what you might have been. it'll take alot of work, but someday, i will be able to sleep. someday i will be able to trust. someday i will be able to let people know me. i will no longer be their victim. i finally found my anger and it feels good.

Kellie - injuns_performer@yahoo.com - 23

Comments - Symphony of chaos Running in her head Underestimating the power Of all the words that go unsaid God didn�t forget His child with an injured wing Her gave her a beautiful voice And said, sing my child sing Only in the music Could a tear fall from her eye God please help her see That it�s ok to cry Night falls fast Upon an innocent soul Watch her as she sleeps Her pain you cannot console What occurred in that room So long ago Preempted this fa�ade This unending show There is a nagging pain That will not go away His hands are always there She always has to stay Take a profound journey In to her night Awaken from frightening scenes Which cause the day to be a fight She must be a runner Resting pulse is fifty-five God you have to help her To want to stay alive Stop running little one Sit with me and talk You are safe now Slow down and walk There�s no need to be afraid Of what is hidden in your mind Allow the child to speak For I know even she was kind Can you make her a promise She will maintain control So much emotion, to many words He forever stole Tell me a tale of innocence It�ll be ok to feel He is gone now There is nothing left he can steal You couldn�t have stopped him Even if you tried He threatened your family He was the one who lied It�s time to be free Until forever and a day Let the wind take you Far far away

Vidushi - vidushi_bsb@yahoo.co.uk - 29

Comments - From underneath the frozen smile, My heart melts to silently cry. The burning emotions from the days When these embers were all ablaze, Now rekindled by the fire in your eyes, They burn with revenge for all the times Every eye coldly looked the other way. Brutally wasted, they left me where I lay. Slowly I could feel the chill in my spine Spread more and more each and every time The cold blind stares refused to see The horror and pain they unleashed on me. Had to learn to become fiercer than ice, Colder than their coldest vice. Had to learn to welcome with frozen smiles All those I met as I walked the miles. Not many bothered to stop and hold, To seek the fire beyond the wall ice-cold. Those who cared to stay found their place In my heart and it�s warm embrace. The glow of embers behind the icy wall Beckons you as it shouts it�s call, �Break the Wall!� it pleads to your glowing gaze Come into my world, make your place to stay.

Xav Montenegro - Psychopunkrocker2005@yahoo.com - 27

Comments - Hello all, I had written/posted a story way before about my dear/late friend Anna that was brutally abused both physically and sexually when she was 13. I was foced to be heald down and watch all of it happen right before my once naive and happy eyes that were shattered that night by what they saw. I kept saying to myself that it was all a horrible dream/nightmare and that soon I will make up but it was real life. It felt like it would never end it kept going and going. Her small body being thrown around from wall to wall and being hit and kicked all around then thrown hard on the bed where she was mercilessly gang raped and abused sexually. About 2 months later she killed herself. I unfortanately witnessed that to by accident. It's been about 12/13 yrs now since it all happened and not one day goes by that I don't think about or relive that horrible night/horror I was made to see. Her heart will always live in mine forever and I would give anything to see her, hold her, see her smile again just one more time to maybe put this awful memory out of my head but what I'm going through now is nothing compared to what Anna and many people go through being sexually/physically abused and even though I've never been abused myself sometimes I feel like my mind has been. I have been diagnosed with Psycho-Trauamtic Stress disorder and bipolar disorder. It has made my life a livng hell at times especially at night when I have almost one nightmare a night and flashbacks eevry day that remind me of what I saw. But everyday that I'm able to wake up and try to live my life I see as a step forward to maybe someday getting better. Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know. I guess the world/life is just messed up that way and we just have to do our best to live trhough it. But to everyone out there who is a victim/who is suffering, please remember that there is hope, there is light after the storm, don't give up, don't lose faith, be strong, and that we can all help each other get through all of this hell/nightmare. I found in m ygf that I ahve now someone that I love, adore and that has helped me so much to try to enjoy life and smile again. But even if you are/feel alone you never are, in spirit we are all together in this journey toward hope/salvation/healing and an end to this nightmare. We are never alone. Our spirits will always keep us together through the good/bad. DON'T GIVE UP, DON'T LOSE FAITH, AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE RAINBOW THAT COMES AFTER THE RAIN. LOVE YOU ALL.

Ann - metoo_57@yahoo.com - 47

Comments - Having been in both a physcial and mental abusive relationships I don't look at men the same. I don't trust them. I hope to one day overcome this so I too can be loved like anyother woman

Brandy Brown - bss02000@yahoo.com - 30

Comments - live, laugh, love, and the greatest is love.

Destiny - Divastar3894@aol.com -

Comments - Since I was little i was always threaded and abused by my dad and he was even proud that he hits me! and says i deserved it when i didnt do a thing.It is very embarrassing when my friends hearing me getting hitt by my dad and my mom doesnt do a thing to stop him!he once said he was sorry that he pulled my hair and armed once but then the next day he said he wasnt sorry that he hurt me and that i deveserve to be beated!

Jess - - 12

Comments - I was abused by my dad.. and still is....

carolann - asalwaysalone@aol.com - 50

Comments - will you please allow us to put the name of our abusers on the wall I feel Ihave some sense of control over the pain and shame and guilt if just one person or someone who matterd allowed me to do this Im so depressed I cant think right anymore My abuser is now a female and I for one and just so angry inside because it solves nothing ..Why molest me and why do that to me if the abuser felt he wanted to be a she? Since I will never have any real answers from the dsyfunctional family I had to be born into this is a way to help me please do this for me HIs name was paul d pacific now he is a she her name is melanie pacific he resides in washington state and I wish them nothing but pain since the law does nothing to take control over this stuff I choose to help myself with this hope that you will print it ty please dotn let me die this way

Tara - tmitch73@hotmail.com - 32

Comments - Scabbing over Until someone else picks at it Opening the wound again and again Is it better to let it scab? Should we open the wound? Let it bleed fresh blood? The wounds have become part of me I don�t know HOW to live without it Pain has enfolded me Engulfed me Pus seeps through Stench of rotted flesh floats in the air What am I without the wounds? Who am I without the wounds? Please tell me Or must I walk this path alone?! When do I heal? When do I recover? Is there ever recovery?

Tara - tmitch73@hotmail.com - 32

Comments - Rape is NOT a four letter word Rape is NOT our fault Rape is NOT about sex It is control It is degradation It is manipulation VIOLENCE The ripping open of another human being Leaving the hollow shell Scooping out the soul As if eating the last bite of ice cream Don�t pity us or shame us Just help us to heal Help us to mend

brenda - blushingbuffalo@sbcglobal.net - 46

Comments - From the first time I saw you hit your son,the little baby boy who's hair was white,so white,and his eyes were so blue, I loved that little boy instantly, I felt the love and joy not knowing why was this little person fussing, I guess he is hungry, its hard for me to see his hands, you see, i was to small, only three. But you, the monster I could only see from behind as you blocked my view, raised your hand, your giant hand, and slapped the little baby as hard as you could. THEN THERE IS BLACK....Father, what father, you were the invisable nothing after that.

Charcy - blazewalker2003@lycos.com - 42

Comments - I had grown up with abuse and it was appalling how many people knew it in the town I grew up in and never said anything because they had to live there. Well friends, I am saying it now. "There is no Excuse for Abuse". I wasn't strong enough as a child and as an adult, it affected my life. I now refuse to be abused as a woman. I won't live the nightmare again, even if it means to never have a relationship with my family. I hope that someday we can gain ground on abuse and kick it in the butt. Thank-God for therapists. I don't think I could have survived with out them.

kay - - 22

Comments - I will never be hit or raped again. I yell it over and over what happened, I have forgiven them, myself, and God. I will longer feel shameful because i have given them the responsibility. I am worthy for there exists in the light of love no abuse. I protect myself from every feeling that way again, I will no longer pray to stay alive but for myself to heal. I will cry until my eyes swell up, I will no longer allow myself or anyone to abonded my pain. We are sisters and brothers in this dirty thing of abuse and we have survived to stand tall to protect, teach, heal and love. I love me with no abuse!! I will keep each one of you close in my prayers and thoughts as you understand me and I understand you. There is light at this end of this cold wet tunnel. Hang in there and know we are never alone in our quite screams...

Erin Grant - -

Comments -

Erin - - 41

Comments - I need help,,,how do you know when it has gone to far and is no longer acceptable? When do you give up on someone you love?

eileen - sunshine 11466@aol.com - 39

Comments - all i can say now is, i am so happy to know is he can't hit me now...i am a thousand miles away from him

eileen - sunshine 11466@aol.com - 39

Comments - all i can say now is, i am so happy to know is he can't hit me now...i am a thousand miles away from him

eileen - sunshine 11466@aol.com - 39

Comments - all i can say now is, i am so happy to know is he can't hit me now...i am a thousand miles away from him

michelle quairiere - blue_eyes_dejected@yahoo.com - 31

Comments - Hi,I can relate to the feelings and opinions expressed here.I'm glad that everyone here understands the same kind of pain and struggle i've been through.

carolann - asalways alone @aol.com - I am now 50

Comments - My sexual abuse continues to haunt me even as the holiday some fourty years later is upon me I watched the polar express last evening and was triggered about the beliveing thing with santa claus .you see my sexual abuser ismy own brother the freak is now a woman but during childhood he would molest me during school holidays christmas included and he ruined my christmas by telling me my mother bought me those gifts and santa clausewas nothing another reminder how dsyfunctional my life was and the neglect I endured as achild made my life as an adult even more so I can not seem to care for myself without a ton of help and help has becomre more an more scarce and my own mentalitly becomes more and more evil I wish nothing but death to my family and primarily to my abuser >PAULMELANIEPACIFIC UGH> I TYPE :ITS: NAME HERE HOPING SOMEONE WILL FIND IT AND KNOW "IT" AND TELL "IT" THIS IS MY WAY OF PAY BACK

Victoria - victorianchrist@comcast.net - 33

Comments - How could you have looked at the genitalia of a seven year old and thought,"It is okay to engage in sexual activity with this person?" How could you do that? How could you make me bear the burden of your shame... your shame! I am not going to carry around the brunt of your sickness anymore. You are not allowed to ruin my life anymore. My body belongs to me!

kat - - 23

Comments - Thanksgiving was a bad night. I came home from visiting my grandma and he was sleeping. I was soooo tired, all I wanted to do was sleep next to him. But he asked me to put my mouth down there for just a second. I said okay, but just for a second, cuz i was so tired. Then he said just for two minutes. I said fine, two minutes, but that's it, cuz I'm so tired. The he said he was close, and it would only take him a short while to come. I said I was too tired, I just wanted to sleep. He said no wonder he looks at other girls. I said what girls? He said girls that will do things. I said what things? He said girls who will do anything. I said who are these girls that you look at and will do anything? He didn't say. I said, have you done things with these girls? He wouldn't say. So I turned over and fell asleep as he said nasty things to me. When I woke up, I decided to wake him up at the same time, so that he wouldn't wake up late in the evening and be up all night. And I asked him, who are these girls that you "look" at? He started getting really mad, and telling me to shut up. I said how can you say something like that and expect that it won't affect me. This went on for a few minutes, and then he started smacking me. I told him to stop, but he just started hitting me harder. Finally, I bent over and said, you're in my parents house, so don't f***ing hit me. He just hit me even harder, and I said I was leaveing. But I couldn't leave the room crying, with my parents just downstairs. What would I say to them. So I stood against the wall and cried and tried not to make a sound. He told me I was a piece of sh*t. My dad walked past my room and I tried so hard not to let him hear me crying. I kept thinking, it would be so easy just to walk downstairs and tell them that he just wouldn't stop hitting me, but I was afraid what that would bring, and so I wouldn't dare. Eventually he told me to get over to the bed, and so I did...as I always do...Nobody knows about the abuse. I know that I deserve someone that will treat me right. But I don't even have the means or the heart to leave. I love him so much. He doesn't even have any true friends but me. I think he would die if I left him. Even though he hurts me so much, I cannot bear to hurt him. Nobody knows, though. Nobody knows.

Barbara - nyctwinmum@gmail.com - 47

Comments - raised by a narcissistic mother, one narcissistic boyfriend (and husband) after another - either somatic or sexual anorexia types. Verbal, emotional and eventually online predatory abuse. Finally pulling free. Come visit me: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Susan - gr8fulnurse@yahoo.com - 55

Comments - My father wasn't my first abuser, but the worst and longest. The first was a Nun Nurse. Who would believe that? I made a life of bad choices in marriages. I left the only true love I've ever had...20 years ago. I ended up bankrupt and homeless. I finally "Let go and Let God," take over my life. I am now teaching and a graduate student, hopefully giving back to others. I refused to remain a victim. My soulmate (and ex-husband) was just buried last week. I went back for the funeral. I got my step daughter back! Blessings do happen to those who are open to Him and allow Him into our lives. Please know you are a precious child of God. You are not guilty. Stand with your head high and trust Him alone. Start with "baby steps," and be good to your little inner child. Protect him/her...like didn't happen the first time around. Your adult can do it now. Bless you on your journey. Susan

- -

Comments - My beautiful breasts aren't meant to be hit. They're not supposed to be sore for days. They're supposed to be stroked gently, loved. My breasts are supposed to be enjoyed by loving hands and eyes. They're supposed to be protected. So here I am down, depressed, again. Because my breasts are not loved the way they're supposed to be.

Antonia - XeroxCandybar@yahoo.com - 24

Comments - I was sexually abused by my oldest brother for I don't know how many years. My time lines are all messed up. There are things I am unable to remember; then there are those things I can't stop remembering. The realization of what he had done to me came crashing down as soon as I left my parents home. That was only a few short years ago. I had the good fortune of seeing an amazing therepist (named Vince Keifner) for one year, but have not had access to therepy since then. ---- My life has become very painful. I feel my depression with my entire body. I've been losing weight at a dangerous rate. The worst of it is physically feeling my heart break; my heart is ripped apart anew everyday. My friends and boyfriend know about the abuse, but they have no idea how terrible I am feeling. That is the worst part; I can't make them understand. They see me functioning, going to work, going out, entertaining, etc., and think that everything is normal. Why can't they understand that it's all an act - just me going through the motions? ---- I've been thinking about killing myself since October. The fact that I can't get up the nerve to try (strangely enough) makes me feel even worse. Thank you for allowing me to express things that, until now, I could not even express to myself.

Leticia Garcia - lgarcia4725@satx.rr.com - 47

Comments - I have been sexually, physically, and emotionally abused since I was about 3 years old

one of many - cyberpaths@zoomshare.com - 45

Comments - Jeff - YOU are one of the reasons this site (http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com) was made. You still try to blame & shame for things YOU DID. One of your victims is in more pain than you can possibly imagine. And valiantly trying to get on her with life - you must be a narcissist with NO EMPATHY! and worst of all - a coward.

brent - morbidangel 00 -

Comments -

brent - morbidangel 00 - 14

Comments - -dudes and chicks- dont get down on yourself for something u never did. i would feel sad but not enuff to commit suicide. i wish you would try to forget all of the bad times and try thinking forward to a future without abuse. i have never been abused but i would know exactly how i would feel if i were in any way, sexually, physically, mentally,etc. i hope none of these problems ever come up again for you. if u r regularly raped or abused....bring a knife. i would do the same. i owuldnt care if i were to go to jail. atleast the abuse would stop. -wishes and hope-

brent - morbidangel 00 - 14

MsPsycho - fukitsacoldworld@yahoo.com - 40

Comments - Well behaved women rarely make history. My place to let go... http://mspsychosthoughts.blogspot.com/

Diane - dkuenstler@comcast.net - 34

Comments - My childhood was taken from me. I was abused from the age of 4 to 8 by my uncle, I trusted and loved him. He's never paid for what he's done. I just started therapy 2 weeks ago. I'm losing my husband and feel like I'm failing as a mother. I refuse to let him take my adulthood too! This has torn me apart. I did speak up at the age of 12, but it was brushed under the carpet as if I wasn't worth protecting. I'm going to fight this and win once and for all. I AM WORTH IT!!!

Kathryn - Katdax489@nmax.net - 40

Comments - I was sexually abused from 6-13 by my father when I put a stop to it. I married a man who was well informed of my history. We've been married 12 years have one daughter. After buying a home way out in the country he started with mild control issues. Now it has reached the point where he is sexually abusing me and it has been going on for years. It took me a long time to accept his actions as abuse. But he does terrible things. I went back to zoning out like I did as a child. Tomorrow I have a Doctor's appointment because of something that he has done to me. I thought I was a survivor and would never get into that type of mess again. I was wrong. It creeped up on me slowly and before I knew it it was out of control and I was to ashamed and scared to do anything about it. Two monthes ago that changed When school is finished here my daughter and I are leaving. One way or another I will become the survivor I thought I was and reclaim my life. He has not touched my daughter as I taught her well. But the yelling around here is not good for her. I am getting her out and will try to make up for my mistake and teach her right so that she does not become a victim of any type of abuse. Speaking out is helping me become stronger. If you were abused as a child watch out of the predator's out there I thought I had a good man. It only took time. I should have seen it sooner; much sooner. Please everyone be careful and don't fall into the trap I did. I have to start healing all over again and this time it is from actions that are more physically harmful. Some to unbelievable extremes. So everyone just watch out for yourselves. Kate

Wendee - widowson4@earthlink.net - 35

Comments - I have been suffering w/ depression and anger for a few years now taking meds seeing a doctor, most recent I had a tramuatic outrage that will possibly effect my husbands and I marriage and my husbands daughters and I relationship ( which now she and her fiance hate me forever). My husband and I wanted to redo vows in Catholic church which called for and annulment of the first marriage, which the first wife didn't wife was not properly educateding herself nor daughter it was making it like that the daughter was going to be illegitame. Daughter was not approving of that and therefore was putting her foot down, and listing to her mother... daughter is 20.. and is living with a fiance who is also a catholic. so with all the anger and tit tat going on. I lashed out that it is not fair for her to decide what we should and should not do, as they had a choice what to do with an unborn child. From that point on it has been all down hill. What should I do to contol outrage and how can I make things better if any

Santquanita McGhee - delsaqfaiave@yahoo.com - 29

Comments - I thought I was and now I've become. What little is there left of me but I've only just begun.

chelsey - kc_colt_chick21@yahoo.com - 15

Comments - Hello everyone mine name is chelsey i am 15 years old and im a very happy kid but thats a role i play sometimes because my dad sometimes is yells at me ALOT i know u sometimes yell at your kids but sometimes he gets way out of hand with the yelling to where i cut myself and i hate doing it but its kidna hard to stop hes done it in front of my friends and its very sad when i was about 8 years old my mom died of diabetes and it has been very hard he was never at like this be for but gradually as i got older he yelled more and more and most of the time its over nothing i would like to talk to him but i dont know what to say so i thought i would share my life adn see if i can get any advice so if u ahve any advice everything helps thank you.

cris - speedtrack63@hotmail.com - 37

Comments - 05-25-06 My boyfriend asks, �If I Hate him yet�, then proceeds to be an Ass. He works 40 to 80 hours a week making 700 to 1200 dollars a week and he does not give me any money for any of my personal bills/car repairs. No matter how much I do around the house or do for him in the house, He always finds something to insult me or criticize to me about. Last month after a year and months for the first time he pushed me down on the living room floor and kicked me on my sides then on my behind living a bruise that lasted 23 days. A few days after the faded bruise he raised a hair brush at me in the bedroom after he defended a female co-worker of his that had told me over phone once that she could call him any time she wanted whether I liked or not. On a day I will take out the trash, cook his breakfast, wash the dishes, water the plants, take care of all the animals but then he will go ballistic about something as small as seeing water spots on the floor that you can only see from a certain angle. He drives me literally nuts. I was not able to find full-time work this whole past year because of emotional/verbal abuse from him and have gone 8000 thousand dollars in debt with my credit cards along with him constantly threatening for me to move out if I don't get a job. He totally supports me on getting a job at Jack N Box, walking distance from the house even though I have some college, a certificate and over 16 years of office experience. He is professional at consistently putting me down on a daily basis. How or what other ways can I handle my situation? The man consciously hurts my feelings then will turn around hours or days later to say he is sorry and does not understand why he is the way he is with me. He also says He Loves me more often these past few months and does not drink alcohol as much. He drives me nuts.

Kelly O - aero_hottie_77@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - The Wall I have a wall you cannot see Because its deep inside of me It blocks my heart on every side ANd helps emotions there to hide You cant reach in I cant reach out You wonder what its all about THe wall i built that you cant see Results from insecurity Each time my tender heart was hurt The scars within grew worse and worse So stone by stone i built a wall That is now so thick it will not fall Please understand it isnt you COntinue trying to break through I want so much to show myself And love from you really could help So bit by bit Chip at my wall TIll stone by stone starts to fall I know the process is very slow It isnt easy to let go Of hurts and failure long engraved Upon ones helart from years of pain Im so afraid To let anyone in I know i'll just get hurt again I try so hard to break that wall But sometimes i get no where at all THe only way to make my wall fall Are imperfections int his wall A few small flaws Which is the key To breaking through the wall to me Please use each flaw to cause a crack And knock a stone of that stack For just as stone by stone was laid WIth every hurt and every pain So stone by stone THe all will break As love replaces every ache.

Katdax - katdax489@namx.net - 40

Comments - Hi glad you found this site. Sorry the chat room isn't working. I have found two chat rooms.One I've never found anyone in that is for abuse victims which I will post in different postings titles so it gets around . First is called www.Bravenet.com Never found anyone there but it works as far a I can tell/ Just need people to use it. Then there is www.mixednuts.com. must be 18 to go there and is for depression or bipolar, but if you go there you may find someone who will chat in a private chat with you. These are the only two sites I've found for live real time chats. Would like to get people into the Bravenet site since it is for abuse victims. Everyone spread the word maybe we can get things going again in there. Mixednuts is ok but abuse must be kept to a private chat. Hope this helps and hope the see you somewhere soon. If you wish to meet me somewhere for a chat just PM me here with the chat room and the time I'm on Eastern Standard time and I'll try to meet you there. I'm usually available after 10 pm my time sometimes in the afternoon between 3 and 6 pm. Since there is no chat available here at this time hope we can get something going for each other at Bravenet. Again spread it around and I hope to talk to any and all of you somewhere. I use the same ID everywhere Katdax. Hope this helps. I'll check here first always before going somewhere else if I'm not in Bravenet check mixednuts if I'm there I will leave to go to Bravenet and chat with you.

'DoubleD' - - 35

Comments - I think I've finally found the answer - the solution to making the pain stop. Forgiveness. It wasn't that simple - it's taken me 13 years to forgive, but I think I've finally made it.

Dan - puduline@hotmail.com - 44

Comments - I have a girl friend that I really care about. I have never done anything that would cause her any harm. She was phically, emotionally and sexually abused in all her past relationships. I know she cares about me very much, but because I don't treat her badly, she seems to be doing things to sabotage what we have together. She is now 32 years old. She says the closer she gets to me and the more she likes me the meaner she will get. Can you help me figure out what I can do if anything to help her break the cycle of wanting an abusive relationship.

caroline - georgesand8@sbcglobal.net - 43

Comments - You can make it.

caroline - georgesand8@sbcglobal.net - 43

Comments - You can make it. My story: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/44616/the_best_mistake_i_ever_made.html

Rosemary - rwyatt@bham.rr.com - 50

Comments - was abused the 1st 16 years of my life in all areas. And amd receiving help for the first time in my life for the past 1year I still have a long ways to go

Michele Davis - davislee13@yahoo.com - 33

Comments - Hope

Michele - davislee12@hotmail.com - 33

Comments - I wrote one word just a minute ago but have more. I wish I had hope all the time. What I can't get past is why did it have to happen over and over with different people. From the time I was 7 until I was 10. Then raped at 22. I just don't get it. What about me invites this crap. I have been in and out of therapy and in again. Tired of dealing with it. The miracle is I do have hope at times that get's me through. My son needs me to be there for him I can. I am grateful for that.

BJ Thomas - bemary88@aol.com - over 40

Comments - I am a woman over 40 and just breaks my heart to read what has been written on the wall. I think that there is only one solution to this problem. We must UNITE as the blacks, elderly, disbled, have done. The only way to feel free is to be with others who are like minded. Otherwise we suffer in silence. Therapy helps a little but the problem doesn't go away....HOW CAN WE UNITE???????? WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING, CONFERENCE OR SOMETHING.

Jennifer Malvagno - speak2miheart@aol.com - 20

Comments - You invade my thoughts, take control of my mind body and soul, im dieing.

Jennifer Lynn - speak2miheart@aol.com - 20

Comments - Ive experienced physical abuse by my ex boyfriends, rape by a stranger, and i live in a broken home with no one to talk to. im looking for a miracle =(

esmeralda - esmeralda_zingara69@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - I was physically abused by my father, emotionally abused by my mother, and sexually abused by my step-father. I just want something on the wall because I can't scream. But I want someone to know that I did survive. They didn't kill my spirit. I live...and because I live...they failed. They lost.

jess - jmhhottie@hotmail.com - 13

Comments - i was 5 when i was first milested i have been self harming since 11 and i have beeen in and out of hospital i have overdosed twice and been in dhs department of human services care and been taken out of class heaps and i have a mum who doesnt believe me and calls me names i hear voices and have visions and anixety attacks and still cant survive thinking of dieing this h0olidays

beth - nethlawrence@comcast.net - 42

Comments - I wrote this some years ago and it says it all. They came to me in the night, Foul breath and eyes filled with hatred. They said, We need. I was but a small girl who could not give so they took. The darkness then engulfed me, filled me until I was empty. In the light of day I could only wish it was but a dream.

jo - jom@cabletv.on.ca - 28

Comments - God? Why are you not there. I need you. Are you true? Please i am so afaid of the rod.I cannot bare. I have so much pain - is ther anything to gain?

Holly Beck - hbeck@fegs.org - 48

Comments - 2006 SASS - Sexual Abuse Survivors Show features art, music, poetry, paintings etc of survivors. A place where survivors reclaim their voices through their art. A profound and healing event - Oct. 14th and 15th at Dowling College, Idle Hour Blvd., Oakdale, NY for info call Holly Beck - 631-264-2915 x302 or email hbeck@fegs.org

Joseph Romero - kc5mip@earthlink.net - 60

Comments - Today a ruff day cant sleep after nightmear it. 12.53 I just got from the shower were I have SI to myself in the shower. I feel so dirty. the assult of 35 years ago and I cant escap the nightmear and the ptsd from it. The weather in not helping me ether. the air is wet and my body in alot of pain . I try top play it down by not taking medication until I am at a 7 or 6 pain level . I dont like to be pill up and the antipsychotic medication make me feel out of it. I am feeling alot of rage and anger right now. I say I forgive at art therapy but I fine myself back hateing what was done to me. every time I see someone in a uniform and not in a public place I fear for my self, I know I should not think that way and that I am older now but this insecure feeling I cant fight off. I sometime smell that awful smell and that sick taste . I cant forget and I dont know why they did this to me. this is a bad night for me. I sometime feel that all the drug that I am taking and the group thrapy just cant cover up what going on inside of me . I am so tried of all of this and there are time that I wish I was dead and not face the nightmears in this last 35 years. there is no end to this!

audi - rossie2@sbcglobal.net - 53

Comments - You are not alone, you are no longer a victim, you survived as a child and you are a survivor as an adult. You can survive your memories!!

Evan - rickyschear@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - The feelings are unbearable, so helpless and hopeless, there can be nothing more moraly wrong than sexually abusing a child. Only god can judge you now.

Evan - rickyschear@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - The feelings are unbearable, so helpless and hopeless, there can be nothing more moraly wrong than sexually abusing a child. Only god can judge you now.

Mary Tess - - 46

Comments - I thought I was way too intelligent and educated to get caught up in an abusive relationship. It never crossed the line to physical abuse, but I was criticize belittled constantly by a neurotic, self-righteous, control freak who tried to make me feel unworthy. "Each of us has the right and responsibility to assess the roads which lie ahead and..if the future road looks ominous or unpormissing...then we need to gather our resolve and...step off..into another direction."

Jimmie - leading_lady_2005@hotmail.com - 32

Comments - I was abused from 2-15 but God has taken that abuse and made postive from it. I am writing a book about my life hoping it will help and heal others like myself rather male or female. I thought I would never get past the shame and quilt but as I share with others it gets easier and easier. You can and will get past it also if you hand it all over to the only one that can make it all better Our Lord and Savior.

kane - kane9@supervi.com -

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denise - ddlyrics@aol.com - 36

Comments - there is writing all over my body,telling you,showing you my pain but yet u choose to look away........ i look deeply into your eyes to see if you can see the pain in mine, but u still choose to look away... i never knew that i would be so strong, but yet so weak, fragile inside, because of you and yet u still choose to look away after all this time i healed without you!!!!!!!!!1

Mel G - teamazhole32@yahoo.com - 36

Comments - I was sexually abused by my uncle from the age of 3 till I was 8. He forced me and my brother to have sex with each other and also allowed his group of buddies to have their way with me. This went on for years. I've been in many abusive relationships over the course of my life and have not been able to break free..UNTIL NOW! I recently wrote my father a letter divulging my past...for it's remained hidden for years! I came from a very dysfunctional family and we all have our issues stemming from the abuse. I will no longer play the victim, I've taken new steps in my life to gain back the real me so I may be stronger for my daughter and a man I lost due to my pain, but I hope to regain some day! My strength has always been good, my will strong and I am a survivor...blessings to all that break free and those that cannot, never give up!

yvette martinez - ymartinez88@yahoo.com - 40

Comments - I am surviving a date rape that occured almost 4 years ago. It was my friend (so I thought)and another person while a third one watced.

yvette martinez - ymartinez88@yahoo.com - 40

Comments - I am surviving a date rape that occured almost 4 years ago. It was my friend (so I thought)and another person while a third one watched.

jacqui - tigger272@tiscali.co.uk - 34

Comments - i as a person is now starting to feel worthy

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Survivors & Friends

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Reduction

Depression and
Sexual Abuse

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Support Groups

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Columns
Conf. Transcripts
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Email
ICQ
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Related
Communities

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Personality Disorders
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