To Coach or Not to Coach
The Fine Line Between Helping and Hindering

by Dr. Steven Richfield

Parents planning to coach their children to social and emotional success need more than tools, such as Parent Coaching Cards, to get the job done. Along with the virtues of patience, determination and insight, is the need for an often overlooked, but key coaching ingredient: support for autonomy. In this context, I define autonomy as the child's capacity to independently achieve healthy and desirable goals in life. Among these goals include completion of homework, satisfactory resolution of a peer problem, or choosing a sensible course of action from a variety of options. The ability to attain these goals without parental involvement allows children to take complete ownership of the pride that flows from them. This pride translates into fuel for the developing sense of autonomy, a critical building block to self-esteem.

The dilemma for many parents begins with the fact that children's path towards autonomy doesn't take place without our help. As we strive to guide our children towards independence we must provide some of the necessary "scaffolding" within which they can grow. Some of these external supports include rules, expectations, consequences for misbehavior, and so on. Coaching is also included within this framework since it helps children develop self-management skills. Each parent shares a similar goal: for their child to develop the skills to be self-sufficient in a challenging and unpredictable world. Yet, the goal is much clearer that the individual steps we must take in assisting children in reaching this destination. As we provide "parent coaching" we must be mindful of the need to step back and allow our children the chance to venture forth on their own.

The delicate balance between coaching skills and supporting autonomy was recently epitomized by the mother of Kenny, a seventeen-year-old boy with AD/HD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), "There's a real fine line between coaching and not coaching. My husband and I are not sure which side to be on. Sometimes we get it right and Kenny accepts our help, but a lot of times he rejects it. This confuses us because we're not aware of doing anything different each time; it's more like he's the one who feels differently about receiving our help. And when we blow it, and try to force our help upon him, it's liable to backfire." This astute mother's comments highlight several issues that parents are wise to consider when approaching their child with coaching help: children's mood, parents' presentation, and the potential for coaching backfires.

Mood acts as a filtering mechanism, coloring a child's internal experience of external events. Therefore, it plays a pivotal role in how children interpret help. If a child's mood is on a downturn due to a recent disappointment, or even on an upswing after a success, a parent's help may be perceived more like a hindrance than a help. For the parent, the child's rejection of help is confusing and frustrating, emotions that don't peacefully combine with the child's fragile mood. In the exchange of verbal crossfire, parents may get easily sucked into the role of attempting to enforce "help" upon the unwilling child. This coaching backfire results in distance and distrust between parent and child, leaving both feeling wary of offering or asking for help.

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