stories

My Story: Joseph Brooks

I'm not certain why I'm doing this. I suppose it is because I am somewhat moved by the previous stories I just read. Much of what I read was very familiar but not all. I am a 37 year old recently diagnosed with ADD and clinical depression.

I was a classic "problem child". I can remember being in constant trouble from the time I entered Kindergarten. I repeated the first grade. Teacher's hated me (I thought). I was a class clown and had a smart mouth. In the third grade I was suspended from school for calling the Yard Duty teacher a bitch. Like Philip, I was eternally the last one picked for any sport. I soon gave up on sports all together. I tried to compensate by being funny and bold in class. I also got beat up a lot.

I was tested and found to have an above average I.Q. I was reading at college level in the fourth grade. (I have always had an intense love of reading but only if it was something that interested me.) "He's a very bright young man", they said. "But he just doesn't apply himself..." I got absolutely no payoff from math or history so I just didn't bother with it. I couldn't develop enough interest in it to excel if my life depended on it. In most cases, I could do the work. I just didn't want to. I have always had a lot of trouble with math however.

They then decided that the work was too easy for me. They skipped me from 4th grade directly into 6th. I got beat up some more and my self esteem dropped further yet.

It was the summer after 6th grade that I discovered the drug culture. Forget sports, forget any real achievement. I could be cool and accepted, even admired by being among the druggie elite. This was in the early 1970's when people still had something of a sense of humor about drugs. Through out my teen years I sold, smoked and ate my way through most of your major street drugs. Lots of them. Its amazing I survived.

Many I knew from then did not.

From 7th grade though 11th, I was expelled from a total of 11 schools. My homework was pitched into the trash on the way out of class. I was high 90% of the time. I got almost strait F's. I dropped out in 11th grade. I was in continual trouble with school, the police and of course, my poor parents who must've thought I'd been switched at birth with some devil baby.

After more trouble with the police, I was sent to Probation School where I finally found a teacher who seemed to understand me. She saw that I liked to read so she let me do just that. I did nothing in that class but read science fiction, fantasy and adventure novels for a year. She told me about some famous American who had educated himself solely through reading. This suited me just fine. I consider myself a fairly knowledgeable person today but 99% of what I know of history and science came from my reading. With her help, I finally got my GED. I never did get a diploma.

I continued to be in trouble most of the time till I met my wife. She helped me learn to stay out of harms way for the most part though she had to suffer through about 5 more years of my antics before I finally settled down. Its a wonder she stayed with me through my drug binges, wild spending frenzies and mood swings. We were married at 18 and are still together today, nearly 19 years later.

I was and still am reading an average of 5 novels a week. I went through many enthusiasms in which I became totally absorbed but which all were eventually dropped for something new. A writer, a rock musician, motocross racing, dog trainer, scuba diving, surfing, video editing..

Computers.. I ran a free BBS for 6 years (at great expense). Each of these things captured all of my attention, to the near exclusion of all else, to the point of obsession. Many dollars were spent.. I now have reams of unfinished stories, a guitar I never play, scuba gear I never use, a surf board (I sold my motor cycles..) and I'm still paying off the money I borrowed keeping my BBS computer up to snuff.. At least computers have proved to be a lasting obsession which is finally starting to pay off a bit..

Things had improved but I still had trouble keeping a job, mostly because I never got along with my bosses. My lack of education kept me from any real career so I spent my 20's going from one low paying job to another. Things finally started improving at age 30, 2 years after my son was born, when I landed a fairly well paying job at a local college where I still work today. We were able to purchase a home and things seemed pretty much ok.

I suppose it was about this time I started suffering from depression. I was not getting along well with my boss and co-workers, I was desperate not to lose this job, with a mortgage and young son at stake. I felt intense guilt over all the crappy things I'd done to my loved ones over the past 30+ years.. I dwelled on the past... I was also still going on spending binges and other impulsive behavior... more guilt. Somewhere in there, I managed to teach myself quiet a bit about computers and now make a little side money building systems and doing repairs and upgrades for folks.

When my son entered school, I was horrified to see that he was nearly a carbon copy of myself. His troubles began in first grade. Very familiar stuff. His third grade teacher said, "He's an extremely bright young man but..." . Sound familiar?

Now in 5th grade, his teacher suggested we have him screened for ADD. He was diagnosed with it and put on medication. We have been seeing some improvement but have a ways to go yet. I am relieved to note that though he is quite like me, he is nowhere near as bad as I was.

In the process of researching ADD on the Web, I discovered that the symptoms, in many cases, fit me exactly. After having a blow up with my boss, in which I threw an office chair across the room and nearly lost my job, I decided to look into ADD for myself as well.

I have now been on medication (Wellbutrin) for depression and ADD for about 2 months. I don't notice any dramatic changes in myself but my wife says that she does. I did quit smoking, a 25 year habit, which is something I've tried and failed to do for the last ten years or so. I do seem to be brooding a lot less and my work situation has improved. My son is also on ADD medication. (Dexedrine, which I am not comfortable with.. its one of the drugs I abused as a teen..) Better living though chemistry, eh? But, I am willing to continue with the medication as long as it holds some promise of helping my son and I.

That's my story.. I guess it isn't over yet but hopefully, the worst is behind me. If you've come this far with me.. thanks for reading :)

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