stories

My Story, Simon Gordon Shields (UK)

From: simon.shields@ucl.ac.uk (Simon Gordon Shields)
To: ledingham@aol.com (ledingham)

This is my story. As with all the others it is distinct, yet there will hopefully be things in it that others may get something from.

At my first school in Yorkshire, England from 5 to 9, I was considered to be a bright, nice child. I sometimes got into trouble for saying things I shouldn't have, spent a lot of time suffering from ear infections and being bullied. My progress was above average, but I felt restricted by having to progress at the same pace as the other kids. At my second primary school (from age 9 to 11), I had the time of my life, there was no uniform, the teaching was exciting, and I was able to work at my own pace, and generally got alone well with everyone.

I then moved on to secondary school until 16. Here I performed erratically. At age 14 I took some Mensa tests and scored in the top 1%, and so became aware that I had some potential. In class I switched off, became incredibly frustrated, constantly annoyed teachers by correcting them, ignoring them, and fooling around. I was branded a devious troublemaker, and hated by many of the staff. Fortunately I scored well in my final exams and was extremely glad to leave.

I went to college, and changed courses about 7 times, and then left. I then began a mad few years which involved, doing some voluntary work for HIV/AIDS education, counseling training, doing a month's DJing on a local radio station, moving to London, starting work, taking an overdose, going back home, doing more voluntary work with disabled kids, then moving to Brighton starting college, moving in with my boyfriend, splitting up with my boyfriend, moving (yet again) in with another friend, having a nervous breakdown over stress about my pre-university exams, money (spent impulsively on drink, CDs, anything), fall outs with friends (who couldn't deal with my intensity), and my ex boyfriend who liked to make me feel guilty as possible whilst alienating me from me friends.

I then spent some time in a mental hospital 'recovering', I did badly in my exams as I just couldn't do the reading, but managed to get into university. I got through the first year despite being addicted to sleeping pills (they worked too well at stopping the pre-sleep onslaught of thoughts), and alcohol (which works too well at stopping the general bombardment). I then spent a hectic summer trying to earn some money, but spending it faster than I earned it on useless stuff and drink. So I moved home for a the rest of the summer working in a nightmare office job and drinking far too much. I then flew over to Boston (where I am now) to study at Tufts University here on exchange for a year (I had to have a change - obviously). I started here, and found myself incapable of reading all the boring papers that were loaded on me, everything got out of control, and I just didn't know why. Why couldn't I read? Why was college work so petrifying? Why couldn't I pay attention in class? I knew that I was 'gifted', and yet this seemed to be an idea rather than a reality.

Finally I was diagnosed as ADHD and am still in a state of shock from it. So many questions have been answered. I can now accept many things about myself that I used to hate. I know that I am not crazy or stupid!! It is really overwhelming, and I have yet to get to grips with my work and medication, but things really are looking better. I just hope that as many people as possible get diagnosed, so they can get out of the Hell that this problem causes when it is not known or understood. I cried so hard at the thought "I'm not stupid, I'm not mad", and that, for the first time I could let myself tap my foot, instead of trying to sit still whilst being wound up like a spring inside.

This is all so new, so strange for me. I have yet to believe, accept and understand this fully. I have yet to get to grips with time management, and my intense fear of college work. But at least I now know what I am dealing with, and can get on with my life, accepting myself a lot more, and trying to get the right treatment.

I hope that anyone who reads this doesn't think that my life has been filled only with negative experiences. I have a lot of fun, I have some great friends, and have had some amazing experiences, many of which I have my 'problem' to thank for to some extent.

I'd love to hear from anyone out there, so drop me a line at:
simon.shields@ucl.ac.uk

Take care, and live well.

Simon

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