stories

N's Story (7/12/97)

And I thought I was different!!!

But seriously, I found so much of myself in Kathie's, Joseph's, Bruce's, etc. stories.

The early brightness, especially in reading. I was TEACHING the slow reading group in the second grade. This did not endear me to the rest of the class. Meanwhile, retention was a problem.

I also experienced the shame of being the last one picked for games, and of having been a social outcast.

Math was (and is) difficult. The same held true for history. Although a very good student in my 1-7 years; I began failing almost everything by 9th grade (except English). Still, the first thing I did when I came home at the start of every school year was to read every book I had been given.

I, too, have rooms full of equipment (musical, artistic, photographic) which is seldom or never used. All purchased in the fervent believe that I was (again) going to be the greatest whatever, but quickly being put aside when something like instructions or tedium got in the way. In the current belief that my life story is fascinating I have sent excerpts to a publisher. My greatest fear now is that it will be accepted and I'll have to write the rest of it. I sent it overnight express (of course). No waiting for regular mail for me!

I've been married more times than I care to divulge and had numerous failed relationships. Drugs and alcohol were close companions.

My family history includes a father who was alcoholic/manic-depressive/schizophrenic. He was hospitalized a number of times and had shock treatments but was never well. He killed a pet of mine in a rage and several times attempted to kill my mother, brother, and myself. Mix in a little depression from my mother, lots of physical abuse and some sexual from dad and brother and it's not a pretty picture.

I've had lots of depression. First suicide attempt at age 14. Two after that in my 20's and 30's. LOTS of therapy. Most of it unsuccessful.

In 1993 I was diagnosed as bi-polar II, rapid-cycling. LOTS of drugs. None worked.

1994 was the first mention of possible ADD. Ritalin was tried for one day in 1995,but since I was already on Depakoate, Paxil, and Klonopin, I don't know if it had a fair chance. By 1996 I was suicidal again and went to a hospital where I received 9 electric shock treatments. These did not work either. More meds, then last September I stopped everything: drinking, medications, therapy. I did OK (meaning I stopped wanting to kill myself) for a while, but the better I got the more I went into the old "if I'm so ----ing bright, empathic, intelligent, intuitive, etc., etc., (words my psychiatrist and others use to describe me) why can't I DO something, FINISH anything, BE somebody.

So back to the psychiatrist after being particularly obnoxious at a business function of my husband's company. We are staying away from meds, but after my session yesterday I decided to look back into ADD and Ritalin. Seems my psych thinks I should have a neuro-psychiatric workup and tests to determine if there are any "faulty wiring" problems, learning disabilities, etc. Seems somebody with my IQ and other gifts is having too many problems that don't seem to be answerable as psychological. Gee, I'll only be 50 this year. Didn't take the medical profession to long to work it out!

Anyway, found you folks today. Met 19 of the 20 criteria in Dr. E. Hallowell's "Suggested Diagnostic Criteria For Attention Deficit Disorder In Adults" and called my psych. Trying Ritalin again starting tomorrow. No other drugs in my system so we'll see what happens.

Wishing all of you good luck.

Regards,

N.

top | your story | more stories | poems-comments

home | about me | diagnosis | behaviors | faqs | personal stories | parenting
education | workplace | articles | meds | humor | resources | send page