stories

Emily's Story

I was surprised to read the stories from other ADD'ers that you have posted and some made me cry because I could relate so well .

I grew up with the privilege of being sent to a private girl's school from kindergarten to grade 12. What a waste! Looking back I don't think that my father got 1/4 of his moneys worth! Starting in K, I had problems sitting still, paying attention and right from the start had trouble making and especially keeping friends.

In grade 2 on the very last day of school after everybody had already gone home, I was sitting at my desk working on math work that had been left unfinished. My Mum had been waiting for me in the parking lot and finally came in to find me. You can imagine her embarrassment when the teacher told her that I wasn't allowed to go home (and couldn't pass the grade) until it was all done! Obviously I was never the teacher's "pet". In fact they seemed to ignore me as much as they could; and when they couldn't they treated badly. Some, I swear, seemed to love making fun of me in front of the class and making me look stupid. This just made it harder for me to keep friends.

When I was in grade four, I turned ten years old. One week after my tenth birthday, my Mum died of Cancer, and I was alone with a father whom I hardly knew. My dad was a psychiatrist who was often on call at the mental hospital, or seeing patients at the office. He had also just been elected president of a major medical association.

As a result, I had to spend a great deal of time alone. I let myself into the house after school, made dinner, did my homework (HA!) and put myself to bed. It was impossible to get my homework done because I needed the TV on at all times so that I wouldn't be afraid, but it was a major distraction. I then had to copy my friends work so I wouldn't get in trouble.

To this day I feel nothing but amazing HATRED for my fourth grade teacher and I'm in my mid twenties! Less than two weeks after my Mum's death, my school was celebrating "May Day" and as was the custom, the grade four class danced on stage around the Maypole at the mother/daughter and father/daughter luncheons. I was obviously dreading them because my Dad was too busy to show up, and my Mum couldn't. That morning, my teacher was mad because I didn't finish my math work in class so she kept me in at recess. She kept me separated from the class, then kept me out of gym class. Then she informed me that I couldn't go the luncheons and dance if I didn't "get my act together" and finish. To this day, I still can't believe that she could have been so cold. She would mock me in front of the entire class for my inability to understand simple math. She would also try to keep me from participating in field trips and other fun activities with my classmates.

The slap in the face occurred many years later in 1996 when she was made Headmistress of the school and I received an invitation to a congratulatory dinner!

Each grade after was painful in much the same manner. It didn't matter how hard I tried to do well in class, pay attention and fit in. I was just a misfit. The teachers seemed angry at me for holding back the rest of the class, who were all over-achievers. They responded by sending me to special math classes and psychologists.

I felt like such a fool when in grade six my teacher sent me for special math sessions, taught by my grade two teacher. This of course was done while the rest of my class was in gym or art! I felt like such a baby, and was pegged as a loser by my snobby classmates.

In grade seven my Dad placed me in the school residence ( as per my wishes). This started non stop problems with the "rez' dean. If my roommates and I were goofing around after lights out, many times only I was grounded. If my roommates and I had even a silly fight, I was moved or put in the infirmary by myself. I couldn't concentrate long enough to get my work done and was (and still am) the "queen" of procrastination. I even left my science fair project until the very last week before it was due, and as my much older sister said "had to stew in my own juices".

At the end of the year the Headmaster called my dad into his office and informed him of my nonstop problems. It was their decision that even though I had technically (just) passed the grade, I was to repeat the year. I was an embarrassment to my family, myself and to my school. I can't remember how many times I was asked what my problem was. I was called stupid, lazy and a difficult learner which caused violent explosions from my father.

I was kicked out of the house when I was 16, and moved in with my sister and her new family. I no longer wanted any contact with my dad and that "thing" he dated.

I went back into "rez" for my last two years of high school which had a wonderful new dean and was full of wonderful new friends. I still had constant problems concentrating and thus preparing for tests, but my marks had improved. (I needed to get into university and prove my intelligence to my dad). I spent ALL my free time on the phone with my boyfriend, which crowded out my work and I was always in the middle of a daydream.

When I reached university, all hell broke loose! I no longer had teachers standing over me forcing me to get my work done; I was on my own and didn't have a clue how to cope. Instead of going to class, I would go shopping, out for lunch with friends, anything! Many times I would pretend to go to class so that my boyfriend wouldn't get mad at me for skipping. I had no desire to be there but it was expected of me.

Today I am still having problems with school and life in general but I was diagnosed with ADD three weeks ago and feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders! Why didn't my dad pick up on my disorder? Why didn't any of the psychologists? Teachers? In retrospect, I feel very badly for my dad. He was trying to cope as best he could in light of the circumstances while the psychologists were placing blame on him for being the root of my problems. If only I could have prevented MYSELF from squandering THOUSANDS of dollars, alienating myself from so many people, making impulsive decisions and wasting so much time doing nothing!

I feel like my whole life has been one mistake after another. However now that I know what "my problem" is, I can give myself a chance to start all over again. When I found out that I had ADD it explained EVERYTHING! All my negative behaviors and nasty personality traits finally made sense to me. I have done a lot of researching on ADD and feel that I understand myself for the first time.

I intend to forgive myself for the past and hope to make the most of my "new" future. I encourage others who are finally "seeing the light at the end of the tunnel" to do the same. It will give you a surprising sense of freedom and closure to a hurtful past.

Good luck! Sincerely, Emily

top | your story | more stories | poems-comments

home | about me | diagnosis | behaviors | faqs | personal stories | parenting
education | workplace | articles | meds | humor | resources | send page