stories

ANOTHER ADD STORY (Bruce)

Isn't it wild that you can expose yourself, anonymously on the Net & someone from wherever else can say, "Hey, that sounds like my life story." I was born more than 40 years ago- prematurely. That may be the first & only time I was early for anything! I was rather precocious, an early reader and talker. At ages 3 & 4, I participated in kindergarten & 1st grade classes at a school where my older cousin taught 3 rd grade. At age 5, I entered kindergarten in Sept. Evaluators told my parents to start me in grade 1, but they were cautious. I spent 2 weeks in the average K class. I then moved up to advanced. K, with frequent batteries of psych tests and visits to 1st grade. By Nov. I went to 1st grade. In Dec. I started Language Arts in advanced. 1st, & moved up in Jan. By the spring, I was performing reading demonstrations for the 2nd graders.

I was real smart! Why, then, would it take 30 to 45 minutes. for me to put on my "snow clothes" to go home at the day's end? Why did I "space out" in the middle of art projects or any long assignments? I'd start on time, but drift further behind on projects requiring logic or the coordination of hand-eye-ear-body movement.... By the week's end, I'd be several projects behind- again. Why, when I tried SO HARD? YOU GOT IT! ADD-which was diagnosed less than 2 years ago.

I recall the frustrations. --The only 2 bad grades I ever got for "not enjoying vigorous or varied games" and for "not beginning or finishing work on time". --The 4th, 8th, and 9th grade years during which I started math in the advanced groups (because of my reading skills I tested high in everything) and ended up somewhere in space between the slow groups (in the FAST CLASS, now, mind you) and an invisible group that only contained me, myself & I. --The teachers and parents who'd peeped my aptitude scores and decided that I'd surely be valedictorian.

However, my good B average never got that grand. --The A+ English papers that were graded down simply because they were always late. --The math teacher who heard about my success in other classes & couldn't believe I really didn't understand math. She reasoned that I must have been asking dumb questions just to make her life hard. She publicly mocked me (when she didn't ignore me). I got other students to teach me "what she'd just taught" at the end of each discourse. Later, I skipped class to go practice my cello. Finally the witch got married, got pregnant, and (hurrah) got GONE! --The inexplicable fears, "antsy-ness" and boredom, and deep depressions. --The fact that I took typing 2 1/2 times and still cannot type. --The weariness from having to work much harder than other folk to accomplish the same things. --The marvelous creativity hindered by the absolute inability to get organized and STAY organized. Not knowing where or how to start until you are overwhelmed.

It took 6-8 months to access testing and diagnosis. Just when my meds were getting stabilized, my department's job funding ended. Again I was without insurance. After 6 months on sporadic meds, and with my skills and confidence level "going down fast", I qualified for new insurance. Catch-22, it doesn't cover some meds I need. I end up working an extra 25 or more hours per week off the clock just to assure that my tasks are completed. Strangely enough, I only have problems with certain kinds of tasks impacted by time management or organizational skills. My goal is to own a contracting business in which I can do things I do very well, and contract out the typing and filing. Presently, I'm wondering if there are any graduate schools offering assistance for ADDers. I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy. I pulled a 3.8 gpa in undergrad school, and have done some outstanding work in diverse areas. But in my present situation, the drain is hard to bear, especially since I try SO hard.

One thing, however, is clear. God made me, too, and He allowed me to be weird. So in my every success, He is glorified. With my brain, there's no way I could succeed without His grace. "When I am weak, then am I strong". To all who want to give up because of the loneliness, isolation, frustration, and lack of understanding-- be encouraged.

Whenever struggles come, take these words with you: "Tough times do not last, but tough people DO!"

Your struggles will help you to be sensitive to the needs, the differences, and the feelings of other human beings. Besides, after every agonizing struggle, every failure (in which you defend yourself to others, but inwardly berate yourself); after each suicidal thought or pity party- You awaken to yet a new day and another chance to succeed, or at least to try again; and to earnestly tell God that you really tried. He alone sees the total struggle, and He, ultimately will reward your faith. It takes faith to even tackle a new day with ADD. So, go to it!

Sincerely Bruce

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