stories

My Story (Astroldy)

What I remember most about my childhood, is BOREDOM.......Always....Mine was not so much a physical boredom, but a mental boredom.

My attention couldn't be captured for more then a brief period. New toys were enjoyed for a few moments, then tossed into a corner.

My mother did not understand me at all. I was the type of child who needed constant adult supervision. If I was left to my own devices I was likely to find something to do, but usually my activities were not very appropriate. Some things I remember doing: When I was about two, I found a bottle of St. Joseph's baby aspirin.....it tasted good, so I ate the whole bottle.....
When I was about four, mom left me to my own devices again, and I decided to go outside and ride my tricycle....naked. I spilled instant coffee all over the kitchen counter one day....knew I was in trouble, so I poured water over the counter to help clean my mess (guess what happens when you add water to instant coffee: BIGGER MESS)

On another day that mom left me to my own imagination (this lady never did learn) I decided to see what would happen if I took all the eggs out of the refrigerator and smash them into the carpet. Mom was not at all happy with this project

Then there was the day I turned on our gas stove. I remembered from watching Mr. Rogers that the way to put out a fire was to put a towel over it........in this case the towel caught fire...... luckily mom wasn't TOO far away......and the only damage was to the thumb I sucked. She told me later that it almost made her crazy to have me lay on the couch for three days whining because I couldn't suck my thumb.

Did mom learn from any of these experiences???? No, because my actions were not physically hyperactive, but very impulsive also this was the early '60s no one could figure out what the problem was. All my childhood, it was made clear to me though, something was wrong with me. I was sent to the school counselor when I was eight years old. He told my mother to be easier on me; that I couldn't handle stress.

By the time I was a teenager, I had very few rules and responsibilities. This was my family's way of dealing with what the counselor told them. They took his advise literally.

 

My teen years were an experience I wouldn't wish on someone I didn't like. I started flunking my school courses in the 7th grade. The saying I remember most from my teen years is, "I know you are smart, if I thought you could only do C and D work, I would be OK with that, but I KNOW you can do better, IF YOU WOULD JUST TRY."

advertisement

I did.....but for me, the way I now explain how my ADHD (and learning disabilities) affected me was like looking through a one way mirror (think of a police interrogation room) you can look into the room, but from the room it looks like a mirror.

I picture the one way glass between me and whatever I am trying to learn. I can see the material clearly, but it just keeps reflecting back to itself instead of getting into my head. I continued doing impulsive things.

There was the time I decided to run away with a friend of mine to Las Vegas Nevada when we were 14. I had no reason to go, but my friend asked me if I wanted to....... it sounded like fun....going to juvenile hall in Las Vegas until someone could come and get me was not much fun though.

We had one of those family doctors who was quite generous with the prescriptions..... so when I went to see him at 14, with a case of "nerves", he was kind enough to give me tranquilizers. The directions stated "Take one three times per day.", so at the doctors office, I took three..... when I got home I took three more.....I ended up taking 12 by the end of the night.

Anytime there were any type of mood or mind altering chemicals around, I took them.... it didn't matter what it was....I would take it.

I know now that this is classic for someone with ADHD that is untreated. My head was an awful place to visit....and I had to take it with me everywhere I went. Before I learned how to drive, I thought it would be a fun experience to take my mothers car and drive to a friends house....80 miles away. I was extremely lucky to have not caused or been involved in a car accident during this "joyride" through most of Southern California's freeway system. This stunt allowed my parents to figure there was something seriously wrong with me.....enter my first private psychiatric hospital. This was 1977, and ADHD was not an option for diagnosis....... I vacationed at this hospital for three months while the doctors attempted to figure me out. They gave up, and gave some diagnosis of adolescent aggressive behavior that I would (hopefully) grow out of.

By the time 11th grade had ended, I had barely enough credits to get through the 9th grade. I flunked EVERYTHING. I barely passed Driver's Education!

In 1978, at the age of sixteen, I was involved in an accident where a friend of mine was fatally injured. My impulsiveness once again was behind this. However, since no one could figure out what was "wrong" with me, the state looked at me as if I knew what

I was doing.....they sent me to the California Youth Authority for rehabilitation. I spent two years there....not getting "rehabilitated", but finding out more and more what a failure I was. By the time I got out, my self-esteem was non-existent......I HATED myself......so I found some druggie type people to hang out with and proceeded to try what I think of as a cowards type of suicide. I couldn't actually take my own life, but if I overdosed, or was involved in some type of activity that took my life...well, that would be OK. So, I did "crazy" things, "stupid" things...and nothing worked....obviously, I am still here.

 

I ended up moving back to Southern California in 1982, where I stayed with the only friend I still had any contact with. We had known each other since third grade (and to this day, keep in contact) Through my friend, I met my first husband. He was a career military man, much older than me. For whatever reason, he liked me enough to marry me. I think at that point, I fell in love with what he represented, more then him. I still had zero self-esteem.

We had a daughter in January 1985. I was still incapable of doing life appropriately. I still acted impulsively.....I still had major mood swings....and rage fits. I saw several counselors in an attempt to figure out what was STILL wrong with me.

In 1987 I ended up leaving this relationship (of course impulsively) I left my daughter with my ex-husband, because I needed time "to get my head together" .

I had a very naive opinion of the court system, and didn't know that once you leave a child, it takes a major miracle to get that child out of the home they are currently in. My daughter ended up living with her father for seven years, and in 1994 came back to live with me only because he became ill and asked me to bring her to my home.

With in six months of leaving my ex-husband, I had used all the drugs I could possibly use.... once again without dying. Somehow I made it to a recovery home where I spent 60 days learning about addiction, alcoholism and myself. I knew about alcoholism from the Alateen/Alanon point of view....my father is an alcoholic who was actively practicing his disease during the first 18 years of my life. My sober experiences could fill up another book......but to make it rather brief here..... I got sober on August 13, 1987...I have been clean and sober ever since. I married in sobriety (Dec. 1987 - four months sober) had a child in sobriety - (Nov. 1988) got divorced in sobriety (June 1991) got involved in another relationship (Oct. 1991) searched for clues as to what was "wrong" with my daughter (1992) and got diagnosed with my own ADHD (March 1993).

I wish I could say that since my diagnosis life has been grand. What a nice fantasy that would be. The truth is that more things had to happen: broke up with the relationship (June1993) found ANOTHER relationship (Sept. 1993) broke up with THAT relationship (April 1994)

Decided to not do relationships for a while.......('bout time I got THAT lesson) Got semi-involved with the relationship I am currently in.....but decided that moving in with in two weeks of dating was not an option......so we waited for two years and moved in together a few months ago....there are adjustments that we are still making, but it really does make a difference to know the person WELL, before moving in together....

.Towards the end of 1994, I decided that I could function without any medication.....after all, I had been on meds for 1 1/2 years...I should be "cured", right? Wrong....I am just now clearing up the damage I did in 6 months of "no meds.".......I acted just as impulsively as BM (before meds)......nothing stuck in my mind... I did a lot of damage to my life - mainly in the financial area......that has taken this long to somewhat clear up. Today, I am a lot clearer on who I am, and what I want to do. My main area of concern today, is helping other people avoid the years of pain I went through because there was SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.......my entire life everyone thought that the something-wrong-with-me was due to my lack of self-control and

willpower....we now know that is not true. I am a survivor..... willing to share my life story with anyone who will listen.....willing to help others..... to make sure that I have not gone through all my experiences for nothing....... who believes that if I can help one person, it will have been worth it.

I share my experiences at meetings - the rebellious part of me LOVES to share when the "Big Book Thumpers" are around...you know the ones who try and tell others that if you take medication you are not REALLY sober.......and overtime I share at a meeting, I have at least one person who stays around after to ask more questions about ADHD, medication, diagnosis, and staying sober through it...... that's why I keep going back today.

I don't feel the need to go to meetings like I used to before I got diagnosed with ADHD. Then it was what I used as a life preserver......Now, although I stay clean and sober, don't hang out in drug houses or bars and have all clean and sober friends....for me the puzzle piece that made the most sense in my life, was my diagnosis of ADHD. Since then, I have been working on getting and staying comfortable in my skin.

Now the "safe" places for me are with other ADHD people. They are the ones that understand me.

Today, I don't have to wonder WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.....I know.....and I get to accept those things about myself that I really can not change. I get to learn how to work with in my limitations...to give myself the same treatment I would give to a friend that I care about.

Through caring about others', I have learned how to care about myself..........

top | your story | more stories | poems-comments

home | about me | diagnosis | behaviors | faqs | personal stories | parenting
education | workplace | articles | meds | humor | resources | send page